Bee

Got the tattoo I’ve wanted for a while :D
Pics are on my Weblog

I don’t know yet what kind of pet.

I love dogs and so that would be my number one. Problem is that at the moment, I don’t have the time to take care of one properly.

Cats are great too. I used to “catsit” for a friend of mine a while back. Weird thing is that I gave the cats dog comments – obviously that didn’t work. lol I guess that’s the result of growing up with dogs ;)

I thought about getting an hamster, unfortunately those don’t really live too long :( Knowing myself I’d get really attached and then be heartbroken too soon…

I’m not sure yet what I’ll do. I guess I’ll just wait, settle into my new apartment and into my new life and then I’ll decide which pet is right for me :)

I have an eating disorder for longer than I thought. Thinking about it, I found out that already as a child there were signs. In the end of 1999 it got really bad, I just wasn’t aware of it. Most of that time is still a blur to me. I don’t even know if I ever went grocery shopping back then.

I noticed I was losing weight and I was happy about it. When being asked about, I said what I truly believed myself – that I’m not on a diet but the weight loss just happened.

I only realized that something was wrong when I washed my hair one day and suddenly had lots of it in my hand! I broke down crying, that’s how shocked I was!
I then told my “friends” – who prefered the fun me and didn’t care much about the fact that I had problems. Alone, I went to see my doctor who refered me to a therapist.

I had ten sessions over the next 10 weeks. It was tough suddenly having to face things I’ve been ignoring my whole life. I dealt with it the only way I knew how – by listening to the voice that had become my best friend. And so next to Anorexia I also got Bulimia.

After 10 sessions my therapist told me I had made progress and that the rest is now up to me. So there I was, having opened doors I had been to afraid to open and now I was supposed to deal with it on my own. I believed my therapist that it’s up to me now and so for the next years I’ve tried to fight it on my own. I had no clue how, no idea what normal eating means or how else to deal with whatever life brought other than by not eating.

It took me a long time before I allowed myself to get help again. In September 2005 I went to a group once a week. It was too much for me – or better said it wasn’t enough for me. I got worse, pushing myself to work fulltime, going to therapy while at the same time dealing with a break up and the lost of yet another fake friend. I didn’t eat all day and binged the moment I got home. I took two hands full of laxatives each day – whether I ate or not.

In January 2006 I started with a 3 days group. For that I had to stop working – something that wasn’t easy for me. Luckily, I have an amazing boss who supported me from the beginning on and gave me the time I needed.

I was exhausted, running on energy I didn’t have. I was tired 24/7 yet couldn’t sleep. Every step took so much energy, every part of my body was aching.

The first 3 months or so in the group I wasn’t able to really do anything for myself. I got an eating schedule and ate according to that. Not coz I wanted to but more coz I had to.

I was in that group for 14 months – it wasn’t easy to face the problems which I had always considered as not important enough. It was a rollercoaster ride – lots of ups and downs. I often didn’t know anymore how to go on, was too tired to keep fighting.

But it was worth fighting! I finished group therapy in the end of February and am now in an after care group once a week. I’ve come a long way. Not only did I learn what a normal eating pattern is, I also learned how to deal with feelings and emotions. I actually feel now!! I feel not only the bad things but also the good things – and that is just amazing!! I’ve learned who my real friends are and that even though it’s scary, it’s worth trusting them.

I’m not 100% better yet. I’m still struggling with some fears, still hear that certain voice in my head now and then. But I’m determind to keep fighting for as long as it takes!