throwbackk

I’ve written you countless love letters in the past, pages and pages of them; never sent – maybe once on my own accord. You remember when I first liked you a couple years ago? I partly think that my crush on you has helped develop this great friendship of ours. So in a way, I’m glad I’m in love with you. We’d be good together too, but for some reason God didn’t want it that way. So perhaps the best thing we will ever be to each other is friends. Most days I can deal with that & some days I really can’t. What can you do about it though, right?

Lately, when I think of you I feel sorry – like I screwed up, you know the times I make you feel bad, but I was just a mess, you know – about you again. The days I can’t take this, it’s like really hard to cope with our situation & our level of relationship. I deal with it somehow though, `cause I realize I’ll still have you in my life even if I can’t have you that way. & In an odd way that’s enough. It’s enough when you say you feel the same; I feel like I can possibly live off those words for the rest of my life. Though I’ve never met you yet, I miss talking to you, I miss your smile & your laugh & I miss that space in my brain you used to take up. Anyway, I love you Precious.

Your,
Snookums

PS – I love the idea of sending fax love notes to each other everyday now.. Your writing is adorable <3

I feel like being close with you right now (like saying something heartfelt) though I think everything in the world should be said with like intense love. Anyways, I know we’ve cleared up how happy we each are to be talking to one another again after our little falling out – I guess that I accidently started & possibly stemmed the other fights that went on, I don’t know. I feel really bad about that. I’m sorry for alot of things still. I hold grudges, but I hold them against myself I guess. I’ve been having some dreams lately of me finding my way back to a love that I want to feel again. (In my dreams it’s Trista, but I know I don’t want her anymore, I just want what I felt for her to still exist right now in general). & Then getting into all that just reminds me of the things I did. I know you’ve forgiven me a long time ago, but it’s not bad of me to continue apoligizing – I mean who knows if it helps me, but it makes me feel better even if it is for this moment. My point is none of this makes sense, but that’s what you do to me Amber. That love I want to feel again, I feel it with you, & I’m not pushing for anything back – `cause I’m content with how each of our lives are right now, & this isn’t even like that anyway, but I just figured I’d let you know that I love you more than a friend ..& it’s even more than a romantic love. I just genuinely enjoy everything about you & I don’t know how much more clearer I can get than to say I am really blessed to have met you in any way that I did. Many people have come into your life including me who have already told you how amazing you are, but I hope this one time that I tell you again you still believe that you’re amazing – if not more. I want you apart of my life forever, truly because you’re my real best friend. I’ve got no one to be real with in this world but you. So I’m just sitting here contemplating alot of things, & I just want you to know that your very memory cheers me up, it relaxes me, & it leaves a mellow feeling in me. I don’t know if you realized it but knowing you enlightened my heart, you made me realize alot of things, like the beauty in things. You are probably the only person I can think back on without having a feeling of resentment or anything of that sort. Don’t ever, ever think you are worthless, or not beautiful, not amazing, you hear me? Always know that I believe in you because I love you Precious.

PS – I wanna be yours..

All she simply has to do, is speak to me & I lose all self-control. I hope that just as I am trying to get around explaining things about her without using her name that she can know it’s about her. As I wish the way she says she has hope for something – that it’s hope she has in me & for us again. I love her with my absolute soul. Countless times I’ve told her, just as much as I’ve tried to convince myself that I don’t – thinking it makes us both better off – but it doesn’t. It only adds onto what I feel for her & fills me ten times more with anxious moments that I can express these things openly to her again. It’s true how silly it is for someone to find their soulmate at a young age, & maybe we’re so quick to get upset when someone says that because we found each other as early teenagers. Anyways, I’ve waited for her from time indefinate to time indefinate, even forever.. so whenever she gets back to me, I hope she just knows it was worth the wait & there is no other place I would rather be. I’ll love her eternally, I love her for eternity.