tikaro

I went to a bartending school in Northeast Philadelphia when I turned 18 (this was in the late eighties.) I was surprised to find out that bartending school is almost ZERO percent about knowing recipes (you’re just given the book of recipes and told to take it home and memorize it) and almost 100% about the physical motions of bartending—so you can find the bottles in the speed rack with your eyes closed. Left hand, from left to right: vodka, gin, rum, tequila, triple sec. Right hand, from left to right: the whiskies (American, Bourbon, Canadian, Scotch), then the juices (orange, pineapple.) Never look at the rack. Always go glass, ice, liquor, topping, always lead with your left, and always put the glass down, then pour into it.

We drilled, and drilled, and drilled with colored water and plastic ice cubes. “Sex on the beach! Salty dog, and burn it! Long Island Iced Tea! GO, MAGGOT! You call that a Planter’s Punch? Drop and give me fifty!”

Plus, they taught us a couple of tricks for flash (spinning the bottle, how to stuff a dry bar towel into the shaker so you could mix and pour a perfectly “dry” martini, yuk yuk yuk.) Oh, and how to conspicuously count your tips just before the end of a shift :)

So I actually disagree that the stuff you get in a course is stuff you can get from a book. Perhaps you could search out an elderly local janitor with a yard full of classic cars that need waxing, and a fence that needs painting. One power-ballad training montage later, and you should be all set.

That’s right. I use “insure” and “ensure” correctly, I know when to use “its” and “it’s”, and I never talk about “the rain of king George III.” Observe my mastery!

“A 20-carat diamond necklace”
“A 20-carrot vegetable soup”
“A 20-caret HTML tag”

What’s more, I KEEP MY GODDAMN MOUTH SHUT when other people mix up their homonyms, because seriously, this is really fucking unimportant. That’s the real accomplishment.

As a part of the Ultimate Water Gun Loan Program (http://www.ultimatewatergun.com ), I loaned my UWG to Tony Robbins’ People. He took it with him to Singapore and (presumably) used it to reach a Peak Power state. But when I mentioned it on my blog, I was threatened with a lawsuit by his personal assistant. Minor life accomplishment, check!

Not worth doing, though.