tinydancer24

so i don’t believe i’m prepared for the lone gull 10k this month. however, although i am not doing the ymca 10k either, i have already signed up for one in boston next month, and it’s a women’s only race which should be a lot of fun.
also, the community college i’m currently attending has a great wellness center that i’ve been using four days a week to train. i don’t even need my old expensive gym membership with this place, plus the cost is included in the tuition. life is good. =] time to start cracking down!

my anxiety has been unusually high lately. i think it probably has something to do with the fact that i’m missing my boyfriend at college. he was my rock during my road to recovery, and now that he’s miles away, it’s harder to focus on getting better. it’s easier just to go back to my old ways. and as much as i hate that way of thinking, it’s unavoidable. however, i am trying to make a more conscious effort to please god, and that in itself has made my relapses far more rare than in the past.

for three years i have suffered from an eating disorder called bulimia nervosa. this consists of a dangerous cycle of starving, bingeing, and purging either by overexercising, vomiting, or abusing laxatives or diuretics. it has taken over my life, and has affected my studies, my personality, my outlook on life, and most importantly, the people i love. i hate the person i have become, and have tried many times to change. i have gone through three or four therapists, intensive treatment at a facility, and spiritual support from my friends. it wasn’t until this past year that i have begun to change my way of thinking… and it’s all because i found God.
a few of my friends have invited me to their churches, but i couldn’t seem to find one that felt like home to me. it wasn’t until i started dating my current boyfriend, whose mom is very religious and invited me to their church for a christmas service, that i finally felt at home. here was a place comfortable enough for me to develop a relationship with God, and though i’m still struggling with my faith, i knew i had found the perfect church to learn everything there is to know about God. admittedly, it has been extremely difficult to follow Him and keep up with my eating disorder at the same time. it is almost as though i am serving two gods, and it’s a terrible feeling in the pit of my gut when i walk through the church doors every sunday.
however, this morning at church was a different story. today the pastor taught us how to appreciate the things we have, and stressed the difference between want and need. as suddenly as lightning striking down on me, i realized how foolish i have been these past few years. having an eating disorder has made me believe that being skinny is the most important thing to accomplish in my life. but today i realized that my top priority should be to please my God, and live through Him as best i can. how can i do that if all i’m thinking about is how to lose weight? surely, if i treat my body the right way, and eat all the right foods and keep a regular exercise regime, i can’t possibly gain weight. and why should it matter anyways? trying to change my image is, in a way, insulting the way God created me. if i want to change, it should only be to better myself, and only in a safe and healthy way. who am i to dislike the being that my Lord took care and effort in creating?
it is so refreshing to now realize how foolish i have been. i can’t say that i have recovered from my disorder for good… but surely, this is a fantastic start.