toadling

I’ve been meaning to do this for so long! Now I know I can get a sweet deal, and at least can put down a payment or something. I’m going to do it by Christmas, and get a frame for it too, so I don’t have to sleep low on the floor like I have been for the past two years.

I’m usually good at suppressing my munchies during the day and evening…and I’ll be so proud of myself as bedtime nears. But then I have to take my trazodone, for my insomnia and depression, and as soon as I lay down in bed, I get ravenous munchies! I have no control, my stomach starts growling and I get so hungry it hurts, and as the sleep medicine kicks in, I lose the control, and stumble out of bed, grabbing anything I can eat without massive preparation, and take it back to bed. I’ll often wake up with plates and bowls and wrappers on the floor next to my bed, and not always remembering what I ate. And I wake up puffy and bloated, since late at night is the worst time to eat, and it’s when I end up eating the most! I’ve got to find ways to control it. I’m working on weaning myself off the medication til I can find something to substitute for it with less munchies.

I’ve had panic attacks ever since I was 14, when I had a cardiac arrest after an allergic reaction to some medication. Now, my heart skips beats sometimes, or beats faster, and I feel it, which launches me into a relapse, or flashback of my near death experience, and I think it’s happening all over again. This accelerates my pulse even more, til my chest hurts, I cannot breathe, I see stars, and I go deaf temporarily. I basically freak out, lose it, and sometimes have to go to the hospital. Being in social situations, at work especially, makes it worse, because you know that if it happens, you will be humiliated by the experience. So I’m on lots of xanax for it, which usually helps, but I still have frequent, severe attacks, even while watching TV at home. I guess it would help if I knew of others who suffered from the same thing, since I’ve never really met anyone who knows what it’s like. Because of it I have no social life, few friends, and avoid a lot of situations I would otherwise enjoy. I hope I can find a way to overcome it, outgrow it, cure it or whatever. Deal with it naturally. But because I have the physical experience to associate with it, it is worse, since it is not totally in my head—I did almost die once and just cannot get over that awful feeling.