I managed to fail my biochem test this morning all because I couldn’t concentrate. This is the second time I’ve self-destructed looking for meaning in my failed relationship/friendship. I need some help but I feel trapped. I can’t keep depending on my family or friends to support me because eventually those relationships will become strained. My past experiences with counseling have been terrible and unhelpful. I don’t know where to turn.
I am lost. Is there anyway to put this behind me?
Nov 09, 07:53AM PST | 0 comments
It took a few days but my anger has subsided. There is a lingering sadness however. It’s with me often. Healthy and not, I started recalling all of the problems and disappointments. Every complaint on either end and everything that kept us together for so long. I want to organize it all and print it down on paper to see what really happened. It’s not about just finding “what went wrong (as if it’s singular)” but what I learned and how I’ve been impacted.
This is not about revenge either. I am not sending him what I will write. It’s for myself only. I need to make sense of every moment. This will either be the best idea I’ve ever had the worst pain I have ever felt.
“Dont cry because its over, smile because it happened.”
Unknown
Nov 07, 10:05AM PST | 2 cheers | 0 comments
It’s almost four in the morning. My dreams have been strange lately and this morning’s addition was just as bizarre. Even after waking up for 30 seconds all the anger heavily weighs down my thoughts. The fantasies started yesterday: Standing point blank in his face screaming out every valid frustration all the while beating his chest with my fists. Screaming, out loud, everything. What I am really upset about it now I am furious, bent out of shape in hate, and there’s no one to direct my anger towards. He at least had the good sense to tell me when he was mad and why he was mad. After not really voicing why I was hurt when it started, I have two years of blaring anger to vent. There’s no one who deserves that kind of ferocity unleashed on them. It’s got to come out somehow or I am going to burst. It’s an irrational thought, but I feel like I deserve time from him to yell out all the throbbing pain since he did it to me so often. Not likely to happen yet it’s stuck in my head that I deserve a reciprocal time to explode.
I am furious and there’s nowhere for this anger to go.
Nov 04, 02:06AM PST | 1 cheer | 1 comment
I'm doing 38 things
