trainwreck

I want to stop taking them but I am scared to not have ANY backup supply…I feel like a monster lives inside me and constantly wins. I am on a handful right now as I am writing this to the world. Any suggestions? I am trying to be as honest as I can. Drug abusers by definition have to be deceptive…a trait that I am probably more ashamed of than the drug abuse itself. Any pointers would be greatly appreciated.