I'm doing 43 things
7 months ago i met my boyfriend. He swept me away and we were happy. We met at work, and it was perfect. We spent our days working hard and then our nights in eachothers arms
after 5 months i decided to quit. I felt that my work was taking too much time. I have always prided myself in being a complete person, learned that i am perfect just the way i am. I will do what makes me happy and prioritised myself above all else, how are you supposed to help and be strong for everyone else unless you feel complete yourself?
I never planned on being in a relationship. I had always dated and been in an out of short meaningless relationships. Not that i didn’t care about them, but i just didn’t feel like my heart was in it. Didn’t want to let someone come in, there was no space.
But then there came Viktor. He blew me away and before i knew it i was spending all my time with him. I was telling him things i never would have told anyone. I was falling in love with him.
2 months ago i moved to a brand new city with him. I left my best friends and moved further away from my family for him. And the day that we moved in together i just crashed. All i was doing anymore was thinking about him. About his feelings, what if he would leave me? What if he won’t love me anymore what would i do? I started cooking and cleaning, doing the things that i could barely do for myself for him, so that he would be happy with me.
I lost myself in my relationship and i blamed him. Last week after talking to him about what ive been feeling, i felt a release. After spending weeks talking to friends and spending some time thinking about my own feelings and what i want i realised that i should never have put him in charge of my feelings. He is the icing on my cake, but i am the cake.
Now a day after feeling the confidence come back ive decided that i have to really take control of things. Start thinking about myself again. And go back to being that awesome confident focused and independant person that i was soo happy being. And i need to learn to love myself again so that when i decide to tell him that i love him, im doing it because i love him as an addition to my life. That i am going to be fine without him but id rather have him with me.
I don’t believe in people needing eachother to be completed. I am not a romantic. I am a believer in mankind, and in confidence and self love. I just didnt expect that another person could have so much of an impact. Now all i have to do is take charge and fix my relationship with myself. cus it really is the most important one. If Viktor and i decide to part ways one day (god forbid) i will be able to take care of myself.
