I'm doing 13 things
After about four years of trying to conceive, this is the first time I am writing about the frustration of wanting to have a baby and failing. What is frustrating is seeing so many other people get pregnant and have babies. My friends, cousins, co-workers… I could name a dozen people I know who have gotten pregnant or had a baby in the past year. I am very happy for them, but also very depressed that it still has not happened to me.
Two years ago, we discovered that I had ovarian cysts, one in each ovary. During the surgery to remove the cysts, the doctor also confirmed that I had endometriosis. After the surgery, I was on Lupron for 6 months to treat the endometriosis, which meant no periods, which was great, but also that I could not get pregnant for 6 months. It’s been a year and a half now since I went off of Lupron and still no pregnancy. Keeping track of my cycles and using ovulation test kits, I found that my luteal phase (phase between ovulation and the next cycle) was too short at 10 days or less. My OBGyn prescribed Clomid. This is the third month, and although last cycle my luteal phase appeared much longer, I am still starting to lose hope. If I do not get pregnant this cycle, then I think I probably need to go to a fertility specialist. I don’t know if I really want to go through anything more invasive. I’m not sure how I feel about IUI or IVF….
Sometimes I think it would be good not to get pregnant. I won’t have to worry about stretch marks, morning sickness, childbirth, post-partum depression, episiotomies, hemorrhoids, and all the terrible things that you can get during/after pregnancy. One alternative to having a baby naturally is adoption, which I seriously thought I was going to do anyway. But now, I am starting to feel somewhat incomplete because of my inability to get pregnant. And I am jealous of the experiences my friends have gone through when they got pregnant and had their babies. I want that, too. I really want to have a child who comes from me and my husband. I also have some fears about adoption. I know others have done it, but I wonder if I can really bond with a child who is not biologically my own. At the same time, there are so many children out there who are in need of a home and good parents, and I know that my husband and I would make great parents.
I’m not sure if it would have made a difference, but we probably should have listened to all of those aunts and cousins who told us we should have children right away. I’m 34, and my fertility is only diminishing day by day. I wish I had taken getting pregnant more seriously and learned all I could about what to do early on instead of thinking that it would just happen naturally. Maybe we should have tried before I turned 30 and not worried about money, buying a house, etc. Now that we have it, what’s it all for?
My advice to anyone who is thinking about getting pregnant is to not rely on it just happening when you want it to. Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. It’s a thick book, but it will teach you about your cycle, how to chart it, and how to tell when you are fertile or when there are potential problems with your fertility. I wish I had read it when I was 30 or younger instead of just this year. Any woman would benefit from learning more about her body.
Anyway, just wanted to write about what’s been on my mind. Perhaps I will have some good news to share next time I add an entry.
