Tristan

I’m literally embracing my fears. I’ve written down a list of everything that makes me anxious and I’m going to physically put myself in their proximity until they no longer scare me. And if I can’t be with them, I’m going to find something symbolic to touch. It’s time to move past everything that casts a shadow over me and walk in the sun.

I started this experiment with my bills. Even though I pay them fastidiously each month, the anticipation and actually seeing them makes me queasy each time. I started with my Visa statement, and held it in my hands and stayed with all the anxiety and dread it brought up. This was difficult and my mind kept reminding me of better things to do. But I stayed with it over the course of two days. I even left the bill on my coffee table where I would constantly see it.

By the second day I felt completely calm, without any fears at all. On the third day a miracle happened. I was looking at the Visa bill and suddenly I felt grateful that I had this credit card. I felt blessed to have this financial option.

Yes, the only way out is through.

I’ve been wanting to write an entry on this for a few days, and each time I either forget or get distracted by something else on the net. It’s probably too close to my personal truth, and I just don’t want to go there. But I know that if I’m going through it others are too.

So here’s what I’ve learned about myself recently: whenever a great thing happens to me, I will pull the rug right out from under me so quickly that I don’t even see it happening. Like the magicians that pull the cloths off the table without disturbing the dishes, I do the same thing to myself. I don’t notice myself doing this because I always do it with the intention of making things even better. It’s not until the wonderful things in my life are broken that I begin to see what actually happened. Until then, I’m completely oblivious to what suddenly caused the change.

One example is my vitamins. I’ve been experimenting with the right combination of supplements and whenever I find one that is working, I’ll change it up thinking that it’ll make me feel even better. Wrong. Each time I do this it creates new problems. For some reason, I can’t stay in good.

Like my favourite parable about the hole in the street – sometimes we’ll see a hole in the street and fall into it anyway, and eventually we do it so much that it becomes a habit. Sabotaging myself has become a habit. Once I saw this pattern in me, I saw it all over my life. I’ve read enough books to know that ultimately you create what you feel you deserve. This is why I didn’t want to share this, it’s too hard to admit. That I don’t feel that I deserve to be happy is irrational and it makes me sad. Why are the difficult moments sometimes easier to be with than the good?

“You try too hard.”

A woman I’ve never met said this to me in a dream last night, “You try too hard.” It’s true. I’ve known this about myself for a long time, but it’s sobering to have my unconscious tell me in plain language. It usually speaks to me in abstract, metaphorical images that send me into curves trying to decipher them. This time it was clear and simple – you try too hard, Tristan.

Let go. Easy concept. Difficult to do.

Let go of control, Tristan. Walk, no, saunter into the unknown. Smile expectantly. Just let go.

I know there’s magic in truly surrendering. I’ve experienced it. The moment I gave up wanting something and accepted that I will never have it, the phone rang. The trick, though, is to genuinely let go, and not simply let go with the hope of it working out a certain way. Which, for a thinker like me, is maddening. It’s like trying to pick up a wet watermelon seed. Maddening.

It’s becoming clearer that by trying to control my life I’ve punctured it in numerous ways. And at the base of it is fear. If I let go, then what? What will become of my life? My heart is ready to explore these questions, my mind is not.