tubular

i really want someone special, someone i could have a deep relationship with, but for some strange reason my subconscious keeps me from making the steps. i feel ashamed if i have feelings for someone. do you ever feel it just wouldn’t be the right time for a relationship? would a relationship help or provide a mask for insecurity? it’s like i watch love movies and long to have what they have, but somehow i feel i don’t deserve it. it’s just so scary trusting someone else with your heart. i don’t know what to do.

i feel i’m doing a lot better. so much better that i dare to say i’ve recovered. i haven’t purged in 2 months and havent binged in a week. but the main difference is my thoughts. i feel so much better about myself. and i’m not letting my self-image control how i live my life. i’m gonna be honest, i still think i’m hideously fat, but i’m not going to take extreme measures anymore to become skinny. overall, life has definitely improved and i never want to go back to that dark place i was in.

i’ve tried my hardest for the past year singing everyday for at least two hours and my voice still sounds like crap. maybe some people aren’t meant to sing? i didn’t know how to tell my voice teacher how i felt, but i didn’t want to continue lessons. so i quit and now i’m bathing in self pity because i will never have a beautiful singing voice. maybe i’m not genetically meant to sing…