vanitas

I have a body like a classical Venus statue or a Pre-Raphaelite girl. Wide hips, full thighs, average waist and a small chest. I think that these women have beautiful bodies; but somehow I haven’t quite reached accepting that mine, too is beautiful.

Most of the girls I know are thinner than me with a larger chest. The absolute media idea is a thin girl with a large chest. There are also girls who are thin all over, and girls who are “curvy” who are accepted. But it’s hard for a girl who doesn’t fit either mold. Who isn’t thin, but doesn’t have the chest to match it.

Somedays I’m happy with what I see. Some days I’m not. I never used to have these problems. Once I was 5’4 and 125 lbs, and later 5’6 and 135, and happy with my body. But something happened, I don’t know how. I went on diet, lost some weight; now I am 5’6 and around 123 lbs. I am still unhappy.

I want to get the old feeling back, the old I-don’t-give-a-damn, I-look-like-a-goddess attitude. I’m not known as an insecure person. People tell me they ‘admire my confidence’. If only they knew it was a facade.

Because I’m not overweight, just have a few vanity pounds to shed, I’m going to take this slowly. I’ve tried changing everything wrong with my lifestyle at once and it’s too much to handle and too easy to just mess up and give up. What I’m doing now is a weekly plan – I have a list of things I want to change in my lifestyle to lose weight. I’ll just work on that for a week until I’m used to it, and then add on something else…then eventually I’ll have fixed more problems easier.

First I’m working on cutting down on evening snacking. I’ve been fully successful for 3 days so far. Here goes!

but I cut it short because of blue hair dye that didn’t come out! Now I’ve got a red colour I like, with henna so it’s not damaged, partway down my back. I like myself a lot better with long. When I was young I always wanted to have hair long enough to sit on, but I kept growing taller so I never reached the goal! I also wanted red hair instead of my natural blonde…so hopefully I’ll someday have hair long enough to sit on, and have it red to boot!