verfallenes

Well I somehow acquired a guitar from a friend that was leaving. I have picked it up maybe two times. I looked up some stuff on the internet but still have not comitted myself to doing this. I think with school and work right now I am pretty busy.

Who am I kidding? my schedule is like this, Work, do a little school work then video games. Maybe I put in some time with my girlfriend too. But mainly it has been those three. Also TV. The New season of Heroes is starting to be pretty bad ass so far. All of this things are distracting me from doing this. Plus when I try, it sounds bad. I think that is also another thing I have to overcome if I want to learn to play. Any help on the subject?

I booked a fairly cheap hotel just outside the main city of Paris. We are going for New Year’s. Probably will be the most special time ever. Have a lot of plans and one very special idea. It’s quite romantic. But she should be the first to know.

This is one of the last places I need to go before I leave Germany. I plan on getting a hotel in Paris or just outside probably around New Year’s. I also want to see Disneyland Paris which is just outside of Paris, so I might end up just getting one of their packages and staying at Disney Hotel or something. This is the plan now I just have to save up a little money to make it a reality.

I bought tickets at work from my boss for one of the beer tents. I have reliable transportation. I only have to find a hotel for one night, probably outside Munich in Augsburg. I am very much commited to going this year since it is probably going to be my last chance.

Life is complicated. One day I plan on doing a walkabout in Australia. But I don’t think I will find myself there. I know the man I want to be, but is that the man I am destined to become? Some people are capable of writing their own fate, but I’m not sure if I am one of those people. If I ever get there I am sure it will be worth, until then I’ll sit back and enjoy the ride.

Now that I have left the military, this is just a pipe dream. It is too hard for me to stay fit. I’ve been averaging 10 pounds gained per year. I honestly am starting to believe I have a thyroid problem or something. Even when I was working out I never saw any improvement with definition. The only good thing was I could feel the muscle under my fat skin. Whatever, maybe I’ll try again after liposuction.

Too much work caring about myself more than others. I’m too fat to fit into the skinny jeans, and there is no way I’m wearing pink or capri pants. I mean I really think that I was doing this at the time to impress a girl anyway. Just wasn’t me.

I meet someone new go on a date and fuck it all up, I’m getting used to the fact that I am going to live the rest of my life alone, and I’m ok with that, because I will always love myself more than I could love someone else anyway.

Been doing a lot of partying, just enjoying life right now. Haven’t dug deep into my inner self in a while. I’m happy with things as they are right now. Eventually I plan on doing a walk about in Australia, perhaps I’ll find myself there.

I tell myself every day that I need to go run, go to the gym, or do some sort of exercise. I don’t listen to myself very well. I’m starting to get comments from people about how I am putting on some weight. I wish I could vow to myself that it will stop right now and I will start exercising, but the thing is I hate exercise. I feel better when my muscles aren’t sore. I admit I don’t really feel healthy right now, but I feel good about myself. As I read that last line out loud I realize that is something fat people say. I really need to do something, any suggestions?

I guess the date didn’t go too well. It was strange. I brought her pink roses. We talked for a long time. She even sort of asked to move in with me, which scared the hell out of me. This girl confuses the hell out of me. I was told by a mutual friend that I shouldn’t call because it will make her wonder why I haven’t called and then she will call, but it has been a couple weeks, so I doubt that call will ever come. I have a simple question, if I didn’t kiss her when it looked like she wanted to be kissed would she feel rejected and could that be it? Like I said I am just confused.

Just a simple date. We went for coffee. She was so beautiful. I don’t normally believe in love at first sight, but I gaze into her gorgeous brown eyes and see the most wonderful person I have every known. All I can say is I hope she feels at least a little the same about me. The only thing I don’t like about her is that I don’t speak her language, I vow to learn German. At least as much as she can speak English. My heart is about to pound out of my chest. I hope this isn’t for nothing.

I keep telling myself next year I’m going. I’m starting to get tired of saying that. But I can’t this year so it will have to be next year. If I don’t go next year I am just giving up on going.

I met this girl recently. She is the coolest girl I think I have ever known. She is by far the most beautiful. I wish I didn’t lose her number, I am so retarded. I have been trying for two days to get it from a mutual friend. The coolest thing about this girl is that she is into me, which I just can’t believe.

Yesterday was my last official day in the Army. Today was a good day. I’m happy. But I do still have a little separation anxiety. I would never go back again of my own free will though.

Everyday, I sit in my empty house and ponder a lot of things. I have been watching “My Name is Earl” a lot lately. I don’t feel like I have wronged a whole lot of people, but I do feel like there are somethings I would like to make up for. I do believe in karma, and life has been pretty good to me, even though lately some of it has been a struggle. I try not to ever burn bridges with people, and if I do on accident I work hard at building a new one, even if it is only a rope bridge. I tend to lie a lot about things I shouldn’t even bother lying about. It has just worked well for me for so long, I sometimes don’t even think about it until later, I hate myself for doing it though. Usually I lie to protect myself from being embarrassed or to make myself look a little better. Usually they are just those little white lies, but I am starting to learn now that a bunch of little white lies can start to get blinding when they all come together. I constantly work on being a better person. I do get annoyed pretty easily with ignorance, especially at work. I try not to show it at all, because I know most people can’t except change. I think I am one of the most adaptive people ever. Some people would call me a nihilist, but that label would be very wrong. I do care about everything I do. I just don’t mind trying things a different way for a while. Also it again comes to the ignorance thing again, I just stop caring when ignorant people try to change everything so that it works the way they’re used to it working. Sure I’ll try it out and if it works better than before I’ll adapt it, but if it doesn’t, well then I go back to how I did things before even if it’s against the grain. Well I guess it all just comes down to Carpe Diem.

I have received my first paycheck as a civilian. It wasn’t as impressive as I was hoping. It is a substantial amount more, but living on the economy is starting to cost me substantially more. Today I briefly thought about going back into the service. But then I started reading some of my other posts, I am glad I documented how much the military sucks. It might be a little more work doing this without support from the Army, but I’m strong and will stay that way. Another thing I am noticing is I’m dirnking more and my muscles are disappearing. This is something that requires my immediate attention. The military has its perks, but I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I’m glad I got out, now only 4 more days until I will actually consider myself fully out since I am still on Transition Leave.

I signed out on my Transition Leave last night. So that means technically I am out of the Army. The funny thing is I still live in the barracks. I will be in here until Friday. After that I think it will start feeling like I am out, but we’ll see how this thing works out.

Tomorrow, the final out. I still have all my crap in my room. I hopefully have found a place, but I still have all my crap here in my barracks room. I’m working on packing but its looking like I am going to need aa lot more boxes. I feel a little overwhelmed, but I know I can get this done. I have my inspection by housing tomorrow, it’s gonna be funny to hear what they have to say…

Cleaning TA-50 sucks. Hopefully they take everything, because I don’t want to have to clean anything again. I fucking hate this shit.