i wonder which is it really that’s eating me: being alone in and of itself, being alone when everyone else seems to have someone. what i want more than actually having someone is to feel like i’m enough. to not have it rattle me when i have to go to another wedding (the reason they have open bar at weddings is to appease people like me) or see another set of wedding photos on Facebook that seem to say “look at me! someone thinks i’m cool enough to want to live with me and watch me wax my asscrack or whatever every day until we die! your overeducated, pseudo-worldly ass can’t even get someone to stay for a fucking cup of coffee the morning after, you pathetic single desperate loser!”
today i chatted a bit with a guy i had been interested in before he was temporarily transferred. he said he was really busy with work and almost never had a day off, but that he’s really enjoying it. i thought “wow, that’s great. good for him.”
notice that with men, no one ever says “if he keeps working like that, he’s never going to find someone,” or “aim too high young man, and you’ll find yourself in the stratosphere of slim pickiings.” if a man is alone because he’s into his work or various hobbies, it’s considered admirable. if a woman does the same, she’s on the Graduate School Bypass that leads straight into Spinster Hollow. i’m just so tired of feeling like the degrees i’m getting, the languages i’ve learned and the countries i’ve been to means fuckall if no one loves me and my apartment smells like cat piss. if rejection and loneliness had a smell, it would be cat piss.
well, it’s been a while since i had one of these. when you don’t even know him but being in your car, waiting for a red light outside the place where you both work, when you see him crossing the street gives you pukey butterflies… and you know that you’re smarter this time, that your reaction is disproportionate to the amount of interaction you’ve actually had with him, but that doesn’t stop the feeling… and you realize that’s just it, it’s the feeling you want so badly. and you wonder, what is my damned fascination with this guy?? he’s not even my usual type at all!! stop it, stop this insanity!!
but no… i’m not going to fight the insanity this time. i’ll embrace the feeling. because when you’ve been hurt so many times before that you’ve started to see everything with a penis as a snarling wolf that’s out to maul you, that feeling is all that keeps you going. that maybe, this time, maybe this time it’ll be different.
oh yeah, and i told him to come hang out at my usual haunt sometime. he said his work schedule is crazy but that he would try really really hard to make it sometime this month. cool.
and he has 2 years max.
good god. i mean that figuratively, god/buddha/yahweh/allah what have you are not exactly on friendly terms right now.
he always said, “i see this as a friendship that will last.” i always had the nagging feeling that he was wrong, but i figured it would be because one of us would leave Japan, or he would get some amazing gig in Tokyo, or i would get some amazing gig in Tokyo, or i would get married… you know, i planned to enjoy and cherish the friendship until life inevitably got in the way.
i had no idea that it would be death that got in the way.