vickwa

Hi everyone, this board is so fabulous, thanks so much for everyone’s support, honesty and comedy.

A little update at three weeks:

I had an amazing weekend with my kids (who both came into town, one is at college in Santa Fe, and one attends an art boarding school a couple of hours away from here). It was such a joy to spend the time with them. Saturday evening/night We went to a street festival where a bunch o indy bands were playing. We caught the bus there, lost each other at the concert, but randomly ran into each other via texting. We ate bad concert food and drank water. It was so much fun.
I spoke with the older one a little about my having given up drinking. It was hard for me to tell him I had given up for good, as there is still something in me that does not want to disappoint him should I relapse,(although, Cavediver and JonhStClair, I am getting closer and closer to having “the chat” with the beast. lol) but his face alone was enough to feed my desire to keep it up. He seemed happy. Surprised. Releived. I think/thought I had hidden it from him pretty well, in that there were very very few drunken episodes around him (if any) but he did see me drinking most nights, and no doubt could hear in my voice if it was number 1, number 2 or number 3. So there it is, great weekend, great positive reaction. We even went to see Across the Universe together. A great movie set to Beatles…

Keep up the good work peeps…

I find myself commenting to lots of our friends here on this board. Cheering them on with their not drinking, their excercising, their “man boobs”, their cave diving… but what about me? Johnstclair replied to one of my posts and asked how I was… I kind of blurted a bunch o stuff out, guess I needed to… if its alright with everyone out there I would like to share it.

I know I don’t talk about me much, bottom line, not much to tell. I am doing fine, but sometimes I feel a little like an imposter being here on this board because I really never had a terrible problem with alcohol. I drank daily (which I guess is a problem), drank solo or in company. At a party I needed a couple of good strong drinks before I could have fun, or talk to anyone. I drank as a means to communicate with my husband (who stopped almost three weeks ago with me by the way). I was not one to finish everything in the house – although if weren’t for how much I hated hangovers I might have – I was not one to do much to regret the next day. If I’d really had too much I’d either throw up or fall asleep. I usually made it to bed on my own … blah blah blah, yes I have a problem, just not as dire as some of you. And so I feel a little like a girl at an AA meeting who can’t tell any good stories because how could I posilbly compete with the “it got so bad I got kicked out of my apartment and turned to giving $20 blow jobs under the 7th street bridge”, or “I was jonesing so bad one day, I locked my 18 month old twins in the apartment and took a bus uptown to my dealer”. (oh oh, I have a small one…once I did throw up on a one night stand while we were having sex- not sure if this is good enough for an AA meeting though. lol.

However I watched my habits get worse and worse as each year, month, week went by. Always thinking tonight I will not drink, or fuck, wish I had stopped at two martinis… so in effect I guess I have a problem, it just did not totally and completely rule my life.

I wanted to give up when I saw my communication with my husband happening mostly when we were one martini in. When I found myself thinking about my “liquid valium” in the early afternoon. I looked forward to it… trying to justify why it was OK to pour a drink at 7pm if the sun had not gone down, and findiny myself looking forward to winter when the sun goes down at 5.30.

I’d avoid my face in the mornings because I did not like what I was looking at. Puffy, guilty, dark circles… who was I becoming?

My father drank himself to death. My mother, slightly behind him and his habits, may as well have. My first husband big coke, booze fiend, my present husband, well, lets say he makes me look like a super light weight… and that’s on his nights off…

And now my kids. 16 and 18. I recognise the addictive behavour in the 16 year old. I see his desire to alter his being. To fall in with the party crowd. We talk about it, and he is just starting to experiment, but I know we have a road to go down there. I also know there is nothing I can do to stop him right now. He’s is a great kid, the communication is open, I just see it coming.

So there it is, that’s me. All this and three weeks ago I decided it was time to stop. To get into my body again, to find my friends again, to not have to pretend day in day out that I was fine and did not have a hangover. I decided I didn’t want to become this old wrinkled dried out lush. And so far… so good.

My husband has been out of town since we quit, we speak daily, but I have to admit I a little scared for him to come back. Drinking is something we had in common, how do we do it now without it? I know, find other things in common… but that might be hard to talk about without the booze, right? Ah and the cycle.

So that’s how I am. Better for not drinking that’s for sure, but at the beginning of something new I have to face up to, and quite frankly, I am a little scared.

I too wanted to say hi and welcome to redfish and vhhamm. And yes, so brave… congratulations for finding us. Having to to be present daily to read and listen to the peeps here has been incredibly helpful. I really didn’t think I’d be sober today, but here I am, day 14, sipping a cup of tea, and going strong. Sushi last night and no sake. Lunch with a girl friend today and no wine… and you know what? Not even very tough. Its more the idea of it that I miss, the idea of how good I feel after that first glass. But once I get over that, its the relief and strength that I feel for not having drank that makes it all so worthwhile.

I wanted to thank everyone out there, outspoken or not, for your un-judgmental support and kind thoughts. Its truly fantastic. Keep posting. we really are here for each other. I am sorry for those of you who are struggling at this moment, but know that we all have those moments and I can only imagine that they get less and less a integral part of our sober lives.e I am not immune, its just a good day today. Some are better than others. Right?

I like who I look at in the bathroom mirror in the morning. Such a change. And when I like myself, oh man, the world is my oyster. And so it should be for all of us.

The sky is the limit, lets take it by the balls!