vinceinnyc

5:00pm - E-mail from Boyfriend: “Not feeling well, so enjoy the show tonight - I’m going home.”

5:05pm—E-mail from me: “I don’t want to see that stupid show alone, I’ll be home early”

I get gome at 5:30pm to find no boyfriend. So I call him. No answer. I call about 30 more times. Still no answer. I call work and they don’t know where he is. I start to think about all the the things he could be doing or could be happening to him (this being NYC after all).

7:15pm—Call from boyfriend: “Oh I’m sorry, my phone was on silent. My friends called and made me go out with them.”

I decide to go to the show and after getting drenched in the freak rainstorm we had at exactly 10:01pm, find him at home with his friends carrying on. They’re drunk. I’m not. They’re all smoking in the apartment (did I mention we have a studio). I start out stealing drags off his cigarette, but by the end of the evening (12:10am) have smoked an entire Camel Filter Wide on my own.

I hate myself. I haven’t had even a puff of a cigarette since the day before yesterday.

On top of all this, the boyfriend is currently out getting more cigarettes. He’s mad at me because I’m mad at him for not letting me know his plans changed after he changed his mind. I have to work tomorrow and I know one of the following will happen:

a. we won’t finish arguing until 1:30am at least.
b. he won’t say a word when he comes home and go straight to bed.
c. he won’t come home until 2:00pm because he’ll have been out walking.

It’s so much easier to not smoke at work. Which sucks.

... and just smoked Cigarette #6. Which is good for me because I was smoking 20 a day before then! I just had one and enjoyed most of it but I felt so shitty after I finished it—like heavy and poluted and ten minutes later I still have that metallic taste in my mouth. Blech.

Anyway, it was 15 hours since the last cigarette—the ones before were about 8 hours apart! Maybe I won’t want to smoke for another 24 hours now!!! It’s going away!!!

I lie to make other people happy. I lie to make myself look good. I lie to keep stressful situations from other people. I lie to make things seem better or easier for others. I lie to keep myself from stressing out about things. I lie because my life isn’t perfect and sometimes out of my control and I don’t want to accept that.