vintagetulips

Since the last time I have written this entry, I now realize that I have to lose 50 pounds to reach my healthy weight size :(

I have lost control once again… I weight 199, therefore, must lose 50 pounds to weigh 139…:/

I feel out of it and always lathargic. I have let myself go once again. It has gotten so bad that my boyfriend just told me, “You need to lose 50 pounds.” Although afterwards he told me he would be there for me while I did it, it still did not help soothe my anxiety that I am in this moment.. FAT.

I am struggling every day to just cut down the sweets and realize that there ARE consequences of what I eat. Therefore, I should eat GOOD foods not BAD ones. But as soon as I get hungry, the first thing that pops out of mind to eat is either 1) Bread, 2) Sweets, 3) cheese.

I need help. In many ways, but in this one way in particular.

I would appreciate any success stories to motivate me or any words of encouragement! Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and maybe it has helped someone in return who is going through the same thing…

<3

I played the flute last night and this morning after 7 years of remission. I was classically trained for 13 years. I stopped during the last 7 years due to doubts, decrease in self-esteem, medical problems, etc. I now feel well and confident that I can play and enjoy it again as a hobby. I am very proud of myself for picking itup again and forgetting about the past. I am very proud of myself for moving on and enjoying myself as much as possible in regards to the flute.

I LOVE FOOD! But it hates me because it never unsticks to my body. Seriously, the very thought of food makes me ill sometimes, but I still eat it because I think to myself that it will make me feel better. Nope, not drugs. Not alcohol. But food seems to be my addiction. I eat way too much and don’t even realize it. The problem is I already know all the suggested solutions—the Food Diary, the small 5 meals a day, the exercise. I do all except the Food Diary, and nothing seems to work.

I am 30 (almost 40) pounds overweight. My ex-boyfriend (as of yesterday) has called me “his Chubby girl” as a new nickname that he claims is a good thing. WHAT THE HECK have I gotten myself into with him. Well, that’s another story. But for this story, I have to say and admit right in this moment that I do, in fact, need help.

I need help externally, internally. I need help everywhere and anywhere. To lose this weight would help me be at a healthy weight again and I could actually go to stores and not look for the biggest size they have (size 12-14).

Don’t get me wrong, I love my curves. But it’s my abdominals (or lack thereof), thighs, and behind that need to be toned down. My legs and arms are okay enough. Long story, short of picking at myself today, is that I need to go on a long-term diet that is really a lifestyle change of eating.

I kick myself everytime I pick to go to get snacks at Wawa. I hit my hand everytime I pick up bread to eat at home (as if it’s the only thing that was left on earth everyday). I slap my knees everytime I go out to eat with friends, vowing to get the salad and end up getting the burger. It’s an aweful feeling inside and out.

Therefore, I believe the only thing to do is go to the AA meeting of food addicts which is - as we all know - Weight Watchers (thank you Jennifer Hudson for being that living proof of its hopeful success—hopefully her weight loss has been that of reality instead of pure marketing manipulitiveness). So, I am going to my first meeting this week and hopefully I will have the guts to at least walk through the door without running out after 5 seconds, claiming to everyone in the room that it was a mistake and that I thought this facility was really Ukrops which is just down the street in flaming yellow lights.

Wish me luck!