virushead

That would be a tough one for me.

So I wish Sitio a very assumption-free birthday, but so that he might all the better enjoy the celebration with love, light and laughter.

I’m a little thin-skinned sometimes, and a few specific behaviors from some others are still challenging to me.

However, this is no longer a major issue in the way that it has been, so I’m counting it done.

The best approach for me was to do my very best to understand why someone might have been hurtful in that way. When I understand – even if I don’t agree – it’s a lot easier to bracket it out and get some distance.

Also, I’m not nearly as fragile as I was when I was writing the dissertation or looking for a job. Things in my life are fairly stable and good right now; that means more confidence in myself, less vulnerability and self-absorption. When you’re depressed and a bit insecure – as I had been – it takes less to throw you into emotional turmoil anyway.

I give up. Even if I could find an academic job after 4 years of looking, it wouldn’t pay enough to support my student loan payment.

A couple of years ago, I went through a period where I was writing poems – or perhaps they were writing me. In any case, it helped me get through the last phases of the dissertation. A couple of the poems were even published.

I think it would be easier to meet a couple of the other goals if I started doing that again. I really enjoy it, and I’m not sure why I stopped.

I’ve been writing a vampire novel in my head for over a decade. I’ve got the plot, many of the characters, and about 50 pages done. I’m not finding the time to work on it lately, so I’m listing it here as a reminder of a goal I really want to meet.

Challenges: My writing is dense, more like poetry than fiction. I need to “air it out.” I need to work on dialogue. I’ve been a little too isolated lately to have a feel for the rhythms of speech. And, I still need to decide what my ultimate judgment is about the status of one of the main characters…

My natural tendency is to be somewhat critical and melancholic. In the past couple of years, I’ve also felt angry – which is more difficult to absorb and deal with in any productive way.

I’m adding some positive affirmations (hey, it’s a little Stuart Smalley, but that’s…o-kay) to my daily meditations.

Suggestions are welcome.

I have always wanted to hold hands on a ferris wheel.

My third-grade teacher, Mrs. Coombs, read Charlotte’s Web out loud to us in class. Near the end of the book – and then of course the film – Fern took a ride on the ferris wheel with a boy she liked – and they held hands on the ferris wheel. I have always thought it was a very romantic and innocent and vulnerable thing to do.

I haven’t had my own car for the last couple of years. Sharing one car in a family situation is horrible, especially because I live a little too far away from anything but other houses to walk anywhere. It’s infantalizing. It makes me feel as though I am trapped, tied to the house. When I have the car, I don’t jump right up to leave – I think it’s more the feeling of freedom that I miss, the mobility, the ability to be spontaneous.

- Update!! I now have a car, thanks to the generosity of my brother M and his wife D. She got a new vehicle, and they gave me her old car. Woo-hoo!!!!

Got my PhD in the humanities a year ago – no jobs, but enough student loan debt that I will never get out of it. Won’t earn enough to pay for the PhD in my lifetime, even if I got a job right now. Perhaps I should have done law/medicine/business after all.