voyasergordita

Why are carbs so addicting? I really need to go to the grocery store because all i have in my cupboard and fridge are carbs. I have been eating pizza, bread, rice, oatmeal, couscous, crackers. Little to no veggies and no fruit. Really not healthy. I’m going home for spring break friday and I’m scared to see my family because i’ve gained weight. aaaahhh i hate this. hopefully it will be easier to eat healthfully at home. I need to stop hoping though and just quit binging. I always say, ok, tomorrow i will stop all of this and start fresh. When will i realize enough is enough!!?

Soooo my therapist gave me an journal assignment that actually proved helpful for me. She asked me to write a letter to my eating disorder, without thinking about it, just letting it flow out of me. Then I wrote a response, as if my eating disorder was responding. I thought I’d post it just for solidarity with all you guys- maybe there is something in it that you identify with and may give you strength. Here it is:
Dear Eating Disorder,
I am beating you. I will not let you cripple me anymore. You will not consume my every thought. You will not ruin my relationships. You make me feel weak, and out of control. You make me feel ugly and unworthy of love. Where did you come from? You came from sadness that knew no single origin. You lie to me and pretend that you offer a way out. If I don’t want to confront how I feel, you’re there as a momentary escape. You build walls around me and make me push people away. You hurt my body. You scare me. How did I let you in???! I was so balanced and free… you seeped in gradually I guess. When I stopped listening to what I wanted, to what was right for me. You make me forget I’m a part of the world. You keep my mind so busy- you won’t let me just sit and be. When I’m still and trying to be conscious I stil hear you in my head telling me I can’t do it. I can’t be free. I’m going to drown you out. I’m going to do whatever it takes to drown you out by accepting who I am… Whatever that may be.

Response from my Eating Disorder:
You’re kidding yourself. You know that you might have a good balanced couple of days where you feel strong but it will end in a relapse. Back to square one. Whether you know why or not, I’m doing something for you, and you can’t knock me out that easily. You’ll never be where you want to be- you’ll always be dependent on something. You’re addicted to food and the pain that comes from binging and purging. You like feeling depressed- Each time you use me, you’re giving up on you.. Go ahead, surrender to your anxiety and self-doubt. It’s what propels me. You are only going to push deeper and deeper. you can try to distract yourself but it wont work. You’ll slowly become unrecognizable. A different person. You will eventually fade and pass each day as if you were a ghost- an indistinguishable figure with no direction, whose actions, thoughts, and words affect no one and nothing. I will trap you unto yourself.

.... Whoever took the time to read my journal entry, I hope it offered you something of value. I definitely hope the first voice wins.

day two of cutting coffee completely ( after drinking 4-6 cups daily) I have NEVER felt so exhausted and my head is pounding. Scary how much i was addicted to this stuff.. I am having serious withdrawals. Gotta stay motivated though!