waitenonheaven

I am a 23 year old woman whos first name is Nicole. I graduated from high school with marvelous grades and I was not easy by any means. I had one boyfriend in highschool, his name is Brian. He was a year older than me. I fell in love with him so very hard and so very fast that when I found ought he had been cheatin gon me at our 6 mos. anniversary, I was absolutely devastated. He insisted that sleeping with this girl, Liz, who was also a friend of mine, had made him realize how very much he loved me and I could I possibly forgive him. I lost 30 lbs in less than 2 weeks. I couldn’t stop crying. I gave him another chance because I didn’t want to live without him. In my senior year , after losing the weight, I began to get more attention from guys and I bega putting Brian on the back burner. The I got involved with drugs very heavily. I was getting high to cover up the pain I felt in my heart. Brian and I were on again off again and I was always on drugs. I went in and out of rehab and one day I got into a terrible car accident. My face was destroyed! I had almost one hundred stitches in my forehead. I found out at that time Brian was with some girl and I called him crying and he told me “he wish’d I would die.” So the next day I attempted to take my own life by swallowing hundred or so sleeping pills. I went to the hospital and after coming out we got back together at some point. That was in April that we started talking again. I had just broken up with Steve, a black guy who I used for drugs and money. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks into Brian and I’s having sex. I thought it was Brian’s baby. I wanted it to be so very badly. We stayed together and he knew the situation and we both would ask the dr.s if the baby was his. Everyone thought it was Brian’s baby. He moved into my parents house and we were soo happy. Reese, my son, came two months early. Brian was there for the birth. A few days after he was born,. I began to notice Reese’s skin becoming darker. Brian had promised me that it wouldn’t matter who the baby belonged to biologically, but that he was his baby. I told Brian in tears that Reese was turning black. He denied it, blinded by love perhaps, and took him for a DNA test. Surely enough, it came back as 99.9 percent unlikely Brian was the father. We were both devastated. But he left me. His mom and sister were in his ear telling him he couldn’t raise a black baby and the baby would never respect him! He left me. I couldn’t believe it. I would have cut off my right arm with a rusty butterknife to have Brian be his father! I never would have went through with the pregnancy had I have known. I relapsed back into drugs after being lcean in the pregnancy. I began shooting heroin again and dragging my son around with me. Brian and I never talked again for quite some time. When I was in jail, my son was about one year old, Kate, my best friend in the whole wide world, was sleeping with Brian, even though when I was with him, he hated her. I couldn’t believe it. Next time I saw Brian, I could have slept with him, but I was still hurt about both things. There were a few other times where Brian and I ran into each other but nothing happened. The last couple of months I have been trying to get in touch with him. I sent him e-mails, regular letters, etc. No response. I come to find out on Halloween that he had a baby with Liz, the girl he cheated on me with years ago. I couldn’t believe it. I felt so betrayed. That is stupid, right? I mean, I am pregnant too. But I always thought Brian would come back. One day he’ll come to his senses and come home to his family. But now he has a second family. I am really sad. I shouldn’t be. He isn’t nothing! He really messed my life up and I am the one who got it back together. I have been taking care of me for the past four years, and he hasn’t cared before, why would he now?! It is very unChristian-like but I was actually hoping for something bad to happen to them, well their relationship, like I hope she cheats on him. But thats not right because it isn’t fair for another baby to grow up in a single parent family. I am just jealous because Brian took better care of me when I was pregnant then my boyfriend does now. My boyfriend now, by the way, is Steve, Reese’s biological father and he no longer sells drugs but works in a factory. He isn’t my first pick but life isn’t always about getting what we want. We can make it work and it’ll all be over soon! So my first son, Reese Emmanuel Lebens will be four in 2 weeks on 11/26 and my other baby, also a boy will probably be named Jaedon Robert Lebens. Reese was definately a handful but that was because I was on drugs while trying to raise him. I blame Brian somewhat for leaving and thus me relapsing and missing my son’s babyhood. I didn’t value or appreciate my son when he was little. Everything was a chore to do and more often than not I tried to ditch him on another family member so I could run the streets. I will never be able to get that time back and I am sorry for that. But I have made a promise with myself to never brush him off and I have spent the last two years makin git up to him. Now we have a new lil’ guy coming and I get to finally be excited and do the things I missed with Reese. Babies are wonderous creatures but please wait! That is my message. Wait until 2 years after marriage. Then you can at least know that you want to be with that person and you’ll have them for support. I love my son but if I had the chance again, I’d wait!

For years my father told me that I was my own worst enemy. I always knew exactly what he meant. I have been depressed for years. It’s almost as if I don’t let myself be happy. When I was young I was saddened by the horrors of an entire world. I let society’s blunders really mess me up inside and I used to punish myself. Today those things still bother me but I have become more selfish. Now I beat myself up about myself. I am never good enough and nothing I do is ever right. I am a devout Christian but I can’t seem to forgive myself. If the Lord can forgive me why can I not forgive myself? Why can I not love myself? I am not a horrible person. In fact, I am rather caring and spent a lot of my youth helping those in need. Yet when I got older, early adulthood, I began losing touch with reality and slipping into a heroin-induced transe that lasted for four years. I did many bad things and spent time in jail. I lost everything, including myself. But I was able to come through it alive! I got clean and did right. It took a long time to gain the trust of certain people back. I am so close to God and I try my best to always do what is right. Yet there are a number of things that still burden and sadden me. Have I not enough faith or is it just me hating me? I need to look towards myself first for not onlly responsibility but also for rewards. I do deserve a break every now and again and I shouldn’t be afraid or ashamed to ask! I accomplished a huge feat. I broke the chain of addiction and I regained custody of my son back. I am pregnant again and due soon. We are not rich but together we have a lot and I need to model this attitude for my sons.