wastingtime

It’s inspiring reading what other people have written here. Makes me feel like I’m not alone.

I hate that I love to smoke. I feel terrible about the money I spend on it, and I always feel anxious/tired/depressed/paranoid/unmotivated/hungry/worthless/lazy/inferior.

It’s very very easy for me to get, and I work closely with friends who smoke all the time. I’m scared that I won’t be able to keep hold of the desire to stop feeling all those negative things after a short period of not smoking, especially when I’m still going to be around and see all the same people. I’m scared that I’ll convince myself it would be no big deal to just get some and do what I want.

I know NA is an option and the support of a new group of people might be helpful for me, but I don’t know if I’m ready or willing to go there. I wish I could just dispose of all my smoking gear (I’ve accumulated a lot over the years) and move on cleanly and quickly, but I know it’s going to be painful and the thought of it makes me want to go smoke.

I’m sick of feeling anxiety DAYS before running out of weed – calculating how long a bag is going to last and trying to remember if the guy I get it from will be available that day so I don’t have to go without. Making all these arrangements, fitting it in between trips to the grocery store, sneaking into the bedroom to smoke when I could be doing something fun with my family. Having to put up with people that drain me just so I can have easy access to it. Never being sure of myself, never having confidence in what I think or say.

It’s all gotten really old and I want to be done with it, but I don’t know how to live without it.

They have been divorced since I was a kid – it’s not like I never see them but I live 1.5 hours away and work full time, run a side business, have a lot of animals and a husband and stepkids… so I don’t often travel to see them.

I feel bad about it.

This weekend is Father’s Day, so I’m going to drive up and visit my dad and probably see my mom on Saturday, too.

Mom can really drive me crazy sometimes – but I think it’s the lack of time we spend together that causes my frustration. I’ll be happy if this weekend is just… peaceful. I usually feel like I’m pulled in too many directions at once whenever I spend a weekend up there – and I have to go home to a million things that didn’t get done in my absence…

I love my mom & dad and want to see them.

It’s not my full-time job, but I’ve been quite busy sitting on the weekends and over holidays… I had some biz cards printed and am working (in the back of my mind) on a website. So hopefully I’ll get there someday! I have 3 regular clients and they really love me, and word of mouth is really the best advertising out there. I’m going to keep working toward my goal of being a full-time pet sitter!