and a healthy eating group, hence less posting here generally.
It’s tricky though, because 43t has the benefit of anonymity.
Since I’ve been diagnosed I’ve been hopeful that I’d receive medical support, only to be disappointed.
It seems that CFS is just a label they put onto a grouping of symptoms they don’t have any idea what the cause of them is. Many medical professions believe it’s a psychological illness. I know the days I’m too depressed to get out of bed, and the days in which I’m too ill to get out of bed. They’re different.
I’m tired, tired of being tired, tired of not knowing the cause of my illness, tired of being on a restrictive diet that’s so healthy it’d have the average person running multiple marathons in a day…
And I’m tired of not getting medical help with it. Tired of being dismissed by doctors.
Tired of not being able to work. Tired of letting people down.
Just tired physically, mentally and emotionally..
and we’ve created a really good relationship, one that is loving and supporting and fun for both of us, that’s what I’d call a success!!
I still have my doubts, but they come from my own self worth and shame, when I feel bad about myself I feel bad about him- because if he loves me, and I’m shit, he must be shit too. Thankfully though, I know that’s not reality.
I enjoy sharing my life with L, he’s lovely, we laugh, smile, have fun and cry together. I feel like we’re a team, and that is very very precious!
I forgive myself for being faulty, for being less than perfect, for making mistakes.
I forgive myself for being ill.
I forgive myself for not knowing why I’m ill.
I forgive myself for feeling shame.
I forgive myself for not being able to do the things I want to, in life and in business.
I forgive myself for being less than I want.
I forgive myself for not being as financially successful as I want.
I forgive myself for not always following through on everything I’ve said I’d do.
I forgive myself for making mistakes.
I forgive myself for being frozen by shame when I make mistakes.
I’m uncertain about my relationship with L
on one hand, he’s wonderful, loving amazing, we have so much fun together, we have a healthy sex life, we really “get” each other
but there’s a few things that are missing for me
although when we first met we really connected, got on like a house on fire
it was at a house party- and we just clicked- laughed our asses off together all night long
it was as if we were having our own private party, no one else there really mattered, we were enjoying each others company
but…
I didn’t fancy him
he’s not my type
I don’t think he’s good looking
that was nearly 2 years ago now,
we swapped details but I never followed up, and neither did he, but we connected on fb
we talked a few times on and off
then around Feb this year we really connected again
I’d not made effort to contact him, because i didn’t want to lead him on-
I was only interested in him as a friend
anyway, in Feb we really got chatting again, and around April we finally met up
and we started dating
initially I had great conflict,
wasnt’ sure if I was just settling,
or whether I was being stupid, because there are things more important than looks
we’ve been dating since
but after about 6 weeks we realised we had different goals
I want to see if I can have a baby (when my health is better) if it’s possible
and he definitely doesn’t want to have kids
we decided not to carry on seeing each other
which was horrible, so after 4 days we met up again…
and have been together since
- I have never felt more loved by anyone in my entire life
yet last week we had a big communication problem and I got really upset and in the heat of the moment told him it was over
which really hurt him- then he really hurt me etc, and it looked like we were over…
we finally got to talk on Sunday and we talked for hours and hours and hours
and he seemed to understand what had upset me
I had apologised for hurting him and acting irrationally and emotionally, he didn’t deserve that…
and he apologised to me.
he stayed over and we kind of reconnected, but we don’t know where we go from here-
it seems that he wants less communication than I do
and then with that on top of the fact that I don’t know if I should give up the possiblity that maybe some day I could have kids
if I stay with him I’m saying “Ok I don’t want to have a baby” and that’s not true
I realise relationshiops are part compromise/ sacrifice,
but my question is- how much is too much?
how important is looks in a relationship?
is it essential to be able to look at your partner and think-wow you’re hot! ?
if I stay with him and don’t have a baby- will I regret it, end up resenting him in years to come and then destroy the relationship anywya/
?
I love him
when I thought I’d lost him last week the pain/grief was horrendous
I broke down sobbing and sobbing uncontrollably
we’re going to meet tomorrow night to discuss where we go from here
but part of me feels like this is the beginining of the end…
I think that about wraps it up :)
sorry, not a short one..
anyway, would love your perspective/thoughts/advice please
I love him, he’s wonderful
and I must add, just because he doesn’t have the looks, doesn’t mean I don’t fancy him (as in feel sexual desire for him- because I very much do)
so it appears that he is the man of my dreams in many ways- the quality of our relationship, the fact that we laugh, we discuss things rather than argue (last week was a very rare exception)
but what criteria is non negotiable? ? ?
but I don’t quite have a social circle of people that I can just ring up and hang out with, and I was reading through my last post here- the people I spent time socialising with in this last post are (for the most part) no longer my friends.
There are 2 I’m still in contact with, one I meet up with every 3-4 months and I see him as a mentor- he’s been very successful in business and he’s uber smart. The other one, well she sided with my ex that lied to me and broke my heart, and doesn’t “get” what he did wrong, so that’s certainly caused a rift in our relationship… She has a background of being in relationships with abusive men so I guess she sees those things as normal.
Oh well.. on the plus side, I’m a member of a radically inclusive spiritual community, and we enjoy social times after our services, and my friendships with people there are growing nicely :)
And after the big break up last year, I “lost” lots of friends, and although very painful at the time, I’m infinitely grateful because now the friends I still have in my life are real friends. Also the friendships I’ve made online over the years are also growing.
People I knew from boards years and years ago I have “bumped into” on Facebook and we have reconnected, and some of them (living in the states) I hope to see when they come to visit UK, and that includes a few on here too, that I hope to either visit, or meet up with when they visit Europe. Things are slowly progressing in the right way, and I feel I’m getting better at making friends, and keeping and nurturing the friendships that I do have.
Meeting up physically is something I don’t do so much any more due to my health, outings usually are to my spiritual community, or for business, or with my boyfriend.
1.What did I learn last week?
that my body is really ill
2. What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week?
I set up the stall at #WorldPride march in London, Trafalgar Square to share about how unitarians actively support gay/same sex marriage
3.Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why?
spilling a whole cup of decaf coffee over me at the stall and having to go home to change because I was soaked! (the wind blew it over onto me)
4.What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week?
blah…. feeling too ill to do anything..
5.What can I do right now to make the week less stressful?
reach out to friends and stop staying isolated when I’m ill, ask for help…
6.What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week?
eating, I’m eating food that does not help my health at the moment :(
7. What was last week’s biggest time sink?
being ill
8.Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped?
not sure
9. What have I been avoiding that needs to get done?
cleaning & cooking (hard to do when one is ill)
10. What opportunities are still on the table?
infinite, can’t do most of them cos I’m ill..
11. Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to?
yes, but can’t right now
12. Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘thank you’?
I thank people as I go along
13.How can I help someone else this coming week?
By taking care of me- when I am well I can/am an amazing support to others…
14. What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 months?
Health
Health
Health
Writing
15. Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals?
dunno
16.What’s the next step for each goal?
blah… getting healthy…
17.What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week?
sleeping…
18.What are my fears?
that I’m unlovable…
19. What am I most grateful for?
Lewis
20. What can I do to make life more beautiful today?
blahhhh
I received a hand written card from Blaithin, a lady who was won of my first ever business coaching clients, we’ve kept in touch and our relationship has evolved into friendship. This is what she said:
Claire:
You are awesome, then again you know that. But thank you for being awesome all the same. You are a constant light and support and I truly cherish our friendship.
You make me laugh, you make me cry, but most importantly knowing you makes me happy.
Love
Blaithin
it touched me, so much, it was such a beautiful, loving card to receive, and made me feel very happy :)
1)
today is the start of day 14 where I have only eaten food that is nutritious and healthy for my body (No wheat, dairy, eggs, yeast or refined sugars)
YAY!!
2)
I made a very difficult decision not to continue seeing a man I was falling in love with, because we realised that we want different things- I do want to have a child, he already has one and doesn’t want any more :(
I feel proud of myself that I feel so centred & grounded in that decision even though I miss him terribly and we had connected so well emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
3)
I got a good night’s sleep last night, asleep around 10pm, woke up at 7am. I love being in that kind of routine, always feel better when I wake up early.
4)
I feel happy that I am getting back onto my feet again after being a little off balance, and that I am prioritising my own healthy & well being again- when I do that, everything else falls into place..
I started connecting with a man I met about a year and a half ago 7 weeks ago.
I was quite confused, we got on really well together, I love talking with him but he wasn’t my “type” in terms of looks, and he wasn’t taller than me. I was confused, wondering if I was compromising what I wanted.
It took me a few weeks to work out that I did indeed really like him, and now as I think about it I realise that him not looking as I would prefer is pretty much the only negative thing about him. He is less expressive than me, but he has a wonderful ability to have an adult conversation about “us”. He has a healthy approach to life and we laugh a lot.
However…
I’d avoided asking “THE QUESTION”...
Do you want to have more children? (He has a son already)
We had that conversation last night and his answer was no.
My answer is yes, I want to have children…
It was heartbreaking because we’d connected in such a loving way. We’d started building the foundations for what could have been a really healthy loving relationship…
But wanting to have a baby.. that’s something I cannot compromise on, in any way.
It was an unpleasant decision to make, and we both cried in each others arms saying goodbye, but at the same time I knew it was right.
Now the only challenge is having to go through re-adjusting of not having him in my life- we’ve talked probably at least an hour a day every day (on average) for the last 7 weeks, and numerous silly texts and messages throughout the day.
We said goodbye this morning.
I’ve lost a friend, I’ve lost someone who truly understands me, someone who loves me even with my many foibles..
I feel sad, but am also grateful that I have had this experience with him. It has helped me understand more about me, and how I am within relationships and what I want from one.
He’s lovely, truly lovely.
I didn’t eat delicious home made cake when 3 people were eating 3 different types of delicious home made cake in front of me!
I haven’t committed suicide, no matter how awful, horrible and painful life was, I have always stuck with it determined to see things through and find solutions. I am proud of my determination.
(My confidence coach calls this fortitude: Courage in pain or adversity)
I’m proud of my honesty.
Good to meet you earlier,
Just wanted to say a few things to clarify my position.
I am very happy to speak with you on friendly terms when it concerns business matters.
I appreciate your offer of help regarding the stand etc and business related matters, and I
would like to continue a business relationship with you. I was very clear from the outset
that I would not allow whatever personal experiences we had interfere with our
business relationship, and I believe I’ve behaved appropriately to honour that.
However, I am not ok with talk about personal things, and nor are we “friends”.
I gave you my heart, I committed my life to you, and you did not have the courage or decency,
to communicate with me about what you needed. You decided when we experienced difficulties
within our relationship to back off and you started looking for alternatives, and did not take any
appropriate action that someone in a committed loving relationship would take. So I do hope
you’ll forgive me for making my boundaries very clear about our future communications.
There is nothing I am more committed to in my life than improving myself, and making myself
into a more loving person. There is nothing I want more in my life than to support people in
reaching their highest potentials. Your lack of courage to share honestly with how you felt robbed
me of the opportunity to understand what was happening between us, so that I could take
responsibility for my actions and behaviours, and change them, or if the situation deemed it for
us both as adults to realise that we needed and wanted different things and to be able to part
on good terms.
I was very ill when we were together, physically and this caused a massive imbalance in my
brain chemistry and had a huge effect on my moods. While I appreciate this is extremely difficult
to experience from the outside, when one commits to someone, when there is a family member
who has such an illness, you don’t walk away. You don’t leave them on their own to fend for
themselves. You don’t decide it’s more trouble than it’s worth. You do everything you can to
support them.
You had something amazing in me- I loved you so much, I would have done ANYTHING for you,
absolutely ANYTHING. In fact, on more than one occasion I did things that were the hardest
things I ever had to do in my life. But I did them for you- without question- because you said
that’s what you needed. It took time because of how difficult it was for me to do, but I did it.
You knew when I gave you your birthday present that I wasn’t going to get what I wanted in return.
(A continued loving committed relationship with you)
You knew at that point that you didn’t want to stay with me. Yet you thought about your needs,
your wants and put them above my own. Which is understandable, but you could have been honest
with me. You didn’t have the courage to say it as it was, you didn’t have the courage to be honest.
About 5 weeks after we broke up I specifically asked you whether you were dating anyone
within Frontier, and you said “no”. I said “I had to ask, it is a pattern of yours to start a new
relationship before finishing one”. you said “Well, that’s one pattern I’ve broken then”.
We both know that your statements were not true, and in fact you had been dating Mn at
that point, and for some weeks prior to my asking. I can forgive just about anything, and I’m sure
with time I’ll work out how to forgive you for bare faced lying to me. However, that does not mean
that I will continue to behave as if you are my friend. You are not. Friends respect each other,
friends have the capacity to be honest with each other.
Friends are loyal, and committed to their relationship. You have shown that you don’t have that
capacity, not towards me at least. And judging from the lack of friends that you have, not towards
most people.
so, while you may value my business knowledge, when you thought that you weren’t going to
benefit from it, you cut loose. You didn’t want me any more.
So I do hope you’ll forgive me for wanting to protect myself from someone that has caused me
more emotional hurt than anyone else in my life (Except my father, but then he emotionally and
mentally abused me for 21 years, so it’s hard to beat that).
Goldie is/was my golden retriever, she lived with me for 15 years.
She was the most beautiful, loving creature I’ve ever met. So very very happy and loving.
She was my loving loyal companion of 15 years. No matter what I was like, on my good days, on my bad days, she loved me.
She oozed love, she was the embodiment of love…
I miss her
clarified and reformed a very clear plan of a complex project
pitched my business & got on board 2 new partners
cooked and ate a nutritious healthy and yummy meal
Dearest X,
It was out of love & respect that I told you about Goldie- because I put myself in your situation – and I’d want to be told,
and not find out from someone else, and I know you loved her.
I didn’t honestly feel that you deserved that respect, after the hurtful dishonest way you behaved towards me, but that is
none of my business. I chose to operate in my life from integrity and compassion. I appreciate that you were not able
to do anything else.
My learning has been that just because I see the pure love that people have inside them, doesn’t mean that they are able
to act from that love. There are lots of things that can get in the way of that.
This morning I sent you a text and you didn’t even have the courtesy to acknowledge receiving it. Not even 60 secs to say
” so sorry for your loss”. So very hurtful. an inability to think about what others might need, or how others might feel
and an inability to communicate. I hope you learn it some day.
but then, when will I learn?
at least I’ve learned to only be around people that value me and can be honest with me when I fall short of my ideals-
when I get stressed and upset others without realising it.
Because by being around kind, loving compassionate, honest people I am given the good grace to learn from my mistakes-
rather than being written off, judged and thrown into the gutter when my use was deemed not high enough to serve
the other persons’ purpose.
I’m deeply hurt by your lack of common decency and respect, and I feel angry about it, and at the same time I do
genuinely feel sorry for you, it must suck to live your life.
because you couldn’t communicate honestly how you felt.
You lost out big time.
I was dedicated, committed to doing ANYTHING I could to support you…
ANYTHING..
yet because of the way I communicate- which hurt you- and your inability to communicate that
you lost me.
you’re surrounded by people that are only interested in what they can get from you… but that works just fine, you’re only interested in them because of what they can give you…
just like as soon as you realised how ill I really was… and how I wasn’t going to be able to work as smoothly with you in your business (because you were unable to communicate with me in an adult business like fashion, and ignored my expertise in areas that I am competent and qualified),
you dropped me…
you wanted nothing more to do with me…
But what was even worse than that, (yes there it is possible to be even more hurtful)
was that you LIED to me for MONTHS… you kept me stringing along…
why? SO that you could get your FIX. YI’es it is an addiction Marc. It’s what you use to cope with your emotions, so that you can continue to avoid them…
you might realise at one point that avoiding the emotions not processing them is what calls for your need to escape. avoiding them is what causes you to recreate those same situations over and over
again.
I loved you, more than I’ve loved anyone (almost as much as I loved my Dad, and that is saying A LOT).
You threw away my good qualities because you didn’t have the courage to communicate.
I feel sorry for you Marc, genuinely do.
it was a very hard lesson for me to learn, but I’m grateful I did… I’m now surrounded by people that see the value I bring as an incredibly loving, giving human being with amazing talents and insights into business.
I’d love to have an adult conversation with you some time about this, but I certainly won’t hold my breath.
and you know what?
If you ever get to a place where you want to deal with your emotions- REALLY resolve them so that you can leave at peace with yourself, without having to constantly be doing things so that you don’t have to SIT with who you are…
let me know.
I’ll always be there for you.
Please don’t mistake my having an illness- depression with my failure to be emotionally stable.
Thank you for everything you did for me- my starting to take vitamins again has restored my imbalanced brain chemistry and I’m no longer experiencing depression. That and the fact that I’m no longer surrounded by people who are judging me for making mistakes, condemning me and ridiculing me- bad mouthing me behind my back… now I’m surrounded by compassionate, loving people, I’m doing just fine :)
Amazing isn’t it?
We are obviously incompatible- but here’s the thing- being honest about that would have been kind. It would have been considerate- it would have shown that you have integrity- which you simply don’t.
I’m glad not to be associated with you- personally and in business, because we have VERY different understandings of what makes a successful business, you have little care about quality, nor delivering on your promises… you only care about immediate cash. Your business is a house of cards Marc- be careful because when the strong wind blows it will simply crumbe down around you.
If you want help to learn how to build a successful business when that happens- give me a shout, I’ll Be happy to help you out. Then there will be no compromise on the things that you just don’t realise
are important.
the people you’re involved with in business are the people I wouldn’t go near with a barge pole. No integrity are the words that spring to mind- actually no- more accurately it’s “make me feel sick”
And those are the words that I’ve often thought about you since I found out how badly you betrayed my trust, my loyalty- how you simply LIED, bare face LIED to me. I’m disgusted by your behaviour.
the only thing I did wrong was not KNOW how my getting stressed affected you- the one time you told me I immediately changed it….
I feel sorry for you. genuine, heart felt, I would not want your life, I would not want to feel the way you do about yourself- it must be horrible.
that I am single, and not sharing it with the man of my dreams.
But also grateful that I’m not in a relationship that wasn’t loving.
so I was just thinking, in terms of the goals I have in my life, what are the things that are essential to me regarding a relationship- ie what are the things that I would not find acceptable in a relationship?
Anything that would negatively effect my goals-
Lack of integrity.
“shameful secrets”- ones that are current & unresolved.
unhealthy
tonight I watched the most amazing movie- The Secret Life of Bees.
There was a scene in it where someone proposed to the woman they loved & adored, and she said yes after years of saying no..
I cried and then I sobbed.
Why? Because I want that connection with someone- a connection with someone who knows me exactly as I am, and loves me
knowing my faults and wants to spend the rest of their life with me, have a family with me- love & to cherish, in sickness and
in health, for richer, or poorer….
That’s what I thought I had in you.
How wrong can one girl be?
I deeply regret letting you into my heart, I deeply regret trusting you. For you were not worthy of my love. To be worthy of my
love someone has to know what those words mean. To be worthy of my love someone has to have the ability and courage to
be honest. You are not that man, you never were. You look at people for what you can get from them.
You don’t have any concept of selfless giving. You give because you expect something in return, and you give out of guilt.
I feel genuinely compassionately sorry for you. I feel even more sorry for me though- because I believed that by loving ALL
of you that I could help you heal. You aren’t ready to heal. You don’t have the courage to heal. You prefer to keep your pain
hidden away. But it’s that pain that controls your life. It is behind every decision you make. It is why you need to have ab time, to keep it hidden.
I feel sorry for you.
I genuinely loved you like I have loved no one else in the world. I almost loved you as much as I loved my father.
I did everything I could for you. I’m sorry my shortcomings meant I was not good enough for you. I’m sorry you didn’t have
the courage and decency to be honest with me, and tell me in Phoenix what you were feeling and thinking- that you didn’t
want to be with me any more.
It’s the deceit you see M, the lies that hurt the most. No wonder I was feeling hurt & unloved by you… because you’d
stopped loving me… but didn’t have the courage to say so.
I feel so sorry for you, and I am very glad I am free from you.
And I am very grateful for the extremely painful lessons- to trust myself. I knew from the start I didn’t trust you.
But I didn’t pay attention to that, instead I thought I was just afraid of genuinely being loved… just how wrong can one
person be about one thing? I was spectacularly wrong, on so many levels.
I did so many things that were so very difficult for me- because you told me that’s what you needed. You never
truly appreciated them.
I gave you your birthday present because I wanted to show you just how very much I loved you- that I would do
ANYTHING for you…
You already knew you didn’t want to be with me though, and you still let me do that. That was wrong, it was selfish
of you. You knew I’d regret it because you knew you were going to end our relationship. I find that disgusting.
I find it disgusting that you bare face lied to me.
I find it disgusting at the complete lack of respect you had for me as a human being. At the total lack of compassion
for someone that needed love, needed help.
Since I have been free from you I’ve gotten love and compassion from the right people. And miraculously I’ve
gotten better. I’m still far from healthy, but I’m making excellent progress, especially being away from judgemental toxic, dishonest people.
The fact that you couldn’t speak to me shows your incapability of having an adult relationship. The fact that you
couldn’t just say, sorry I can’t work with you any more shows your complete lack of respect, and your inability
to act professionally. I continued working for you at GREAT pain to myself. You broke my heart & still I forced
myself to work with you to see the project out until the end, to help you. You are an ingrate. You never placed any real valued pm me, or what I did. You thanked me, sincerely less than 5 times in 5 months.. actually one of those times was AFTER our relationship had ended..
I apologise to you for any and all hurt I caused you. Most of it to be fair was unknown to me, because you didn’t
have the decency to communicate with me.
Any time you were able to tell me what was going on for you- I instantly changed, because I had the information
that I needed to be able to do so.
I’m sorry you weren’t capable of communicating. I’m sorry for all my faults, of which there are many.
I’m sorry for not respecting myself within our relationship.
I’m sorry I compromised myself to show you how much I loved you when it was never appreciated…
I wasn’t what you were looking for, I can cope with that. I understand that. But to be lied to? This I find
disgusting.
I’m working through these feelings and I hope I forgive myself very soon, because I really don’t deserve any
more pain than the heart break you’ve already caused. I didn’t want to fall in love with you… YOU were the
one that chased me, convinced ME that you loved me. But you didn’t. I hope some day you get to experience
what love truly is.
and I’m crying again because I am so very hurt by you.
You said you loved me.
You said you were my family.
And I believed you.
I believed that you knew what that meant.
but you didn’t.
I’ve had to use my old mobile because of the problem with mine. You know what the wallpaper is?
Me you, and Goldie together; Happy.
i was blissfully happy and in love with you
I knew there were things about you that weren’t perfect, but I knew there were things about me
that weren’t perfect either..
I thought that loving ALL of you would be enough.
I did that, at great cost to myself, and still it wasn’t enough..
You weren’t prepared to wait for me to get well.
Why should you?
well, the why is “because you loved me”, but the reality is that you didn’t did you?
I love you.
I don’t miss you any more, because I know that what I did miss wasn’t real.
It was a fantasy.
I wish things had been different.
I wish I hadn’t sacrificed my own health for you- then I wouldn’t have been so upset,
and maybe then you wouldn’t have stopped loving me…
but I don’t think you ever did.
The reason I fell so badly for you was that I believed that you KNEW me, with all my
many faults, and that you loved me any way.
But that wasn’t true.
Now I’m loving myself even more than I have before.
And that’s a good thing.
After a childhood of abuse, where I blamed myself for most of it, I’m finally healing.
I’m finally forgiving myself, because I didn’t do anything wrong.
really grateful for the wonderful mysticism reading and discussion group tonight, some fascinating views/opinions and a really respectful group of people with varied backgrounds. LOVED IT!!
grateful for the wonderful Chinese food that was delicious & nutritious
really LOVED working with my client this afternoon, and was very pleased with the outcome- good clean, neat, tidy & effective copy for marketing his workshop.
really enjoyed chatting with Josie tonight
grateful that I heard Goldie wake up early, desperately needing to go to relieve herself (she had dioareah poor thing)
Grateful that I’m being kind to myself.
Grateful for my friendship with Magnus.
Grateful that I’m really letting go of Marc.
I cleaned my kitchen today & swept my living room too.
I made a call about an apartment & arranged a viewing :)
I met a girl from cwd, which was lovely & friendly
I had a full body, deep tissue massage- heavenly :)
I bought lots of groceries & was able to bring them home without hurting myself- because I had my super duper shopping trolley :)
