when_you_dance

In the last year it’s dawned on me that possibly everything i do is related to a deep fear of not getting approval and the ways i have gone about getting approval are pretty sophisticated.
When things arent going so well i have lied and covered it up because i dont want friends and family to see that things arent going perfectly for me.
In intelligent conversation i smile and nod convincingly even when i dont understand what’s going on because i dont want people to think i’m not as intelligent as i appear.
I modify how i am in relation to every person i meet so as to pull off maximum approval points.
many times i just dont express myself for fear of not having what i said approved of.
Essentially, what all this has done is reinforced a belief in me that i’m not OK, capable or even real. My own personality has hardly seen the light of day to be approved of or disapproved of (or whatever) because i’ve been covering it up with layers of inoffensive, pleasing self-destroying front.

Not anymore. i’ve got to get over this and be true to myself.

Does anyone else do this? – right after finishing in the gym/run/swimming pool i come out and check out my own pumped up body in the mirror! if only i could look and feel that good without having to be drenched in sweat and red-faced at the same time.

I think being able to be myself is the most important thing there is. If i can’t accept myself and trust my own values and interests etc, i’m never living my life.
I’ve tried to “design” myself based on people i wish i was like and it didnt get me anywhere. In fact, i realised i was doing myself a huge injustice because it was reinforcing the idea that i couldnt put faith in just being myself.
Now i’ve had weeks go by where i feel totally connected to myself. I feel a lot more capable, balanced, so much more sociable because i’m sharing my REAL self with others and i think people can sense the difference. They must do.
For all sorts of reasons i find it hard to keep with being myself but i think its one of those things that if you find it hard, you actively try to be honest with yourself and it grows stronger inside you until one day it just takes over!