wheresmyhappyending

i am so sick of her telling me not to blame other people. that its my fault and my fault only that i am the way that i am. that my enviorment only affects me up to the age of three. that i feel sorry for myself an thats the reason why i am where i am. so all the therapists were wrong in saying it wasn’t just my fault but the fact that we didnt communicate was a factor as well. and i love how she talks to me like shes better than everyone…......

.”as for my relationship with you, there really isn’t any plus i really dont care because i know that you hide in your woes feeling sorry for yourself when your mom and dad gave you a great life no one has perfect lives”........

great life? you dont kno shit bout me! u think just cuz ur a nurse you kno it all. you hide behind your fake-ass nice demeanor. you think u kno it all an that your better then everyone. you make mistakes in life too sweetheart. i never had a relationship with you and i dont care if we ever do. you gave my dad a new life and a new family with you and your son and their kids. i dont think you realize that his relationships with his kids are ruined. i feel sorry for the fact that i don’t kno how to deal with the shit people put on me. i cant just brush off the negative comments. I’M NOT YOU!!!!!!!

SO FUCK OFF!!

it has been 12 years!!!! 12 years and i still slip up…last week i cut….i was in my psych class an got an exam back…got a 62 so i texted my mom to tell her…she said your not trying hard enough why dont u just quit if your not goin to try….wtf i need to get away….i dont even remember wut my arm use to look like b4 all the scars =(

i went almost six months without cutting….fuk my life i had to go an mess it all up….....now i feel lower then dirt my friend know i cut again an she started cryin whic made me feel even worse….i cant do anything right….fuuuuuukkkk

I JUST CUT…OVER 5 1/2 MOTHS DOWN THE FUKIN DRAIN:(.........FUK

BORN december 27th 1988 in elizabeth NJ, adopted at six months old i know that i have bout 9 biological siblings an have met my mother once when i was 8 an do not know where she is i have also met my oldest sister tia…last time i was 10 she is about 26 now…the number i had has since been dissconected an have no way to find them since they have moved since then….

its been over three months an i dont think about it as much…...i try to keep busy so that its my last option….sometimes it get so hard that i put the blade to my arm but i just hold it there till the feeling goes away….im trying to stop and its probably the hardest thing i have ever done…since i havnt been cutting i picked up smoking…everytime i feel i wanna cut i smoke instead….one bad habbit after another =(

well i got sent to carrier for cutting…was there 8 days….sucked ass…then i was sent to princeton house for almost 3 months…i didnt really learn anything there but i have stop cutting for about 2 weeks now…so far so good

so i got into a fight with my mom again…i cut….then i got into it with my teacher and i cut again…i told my friend and she told me to go to the counsoler…she went with me an we talked to her for 3 hours! about everything i did what i do to cope whats going on at home….everything..im getting help…shes setting up an appointment for a physk evaluation and then i might get into a teen talk group….im trying but i dont know how its going to go yet…ill try tho

well theres a guy i like and all i want to do is just go up and kiss him…but he’s my guy best friend and i dont want things to change….it was raining 2 days ago when we were going out to the car and i alomst just ran up to him an kissed him…but i chickened out…i really wish i wasnt a wimp but i want to kiss him without changing anything…..can’t have it all i guess…its suppose to rain tonight…....maybe?

i cannot believe i went 7weeks without cutting just to screw it up now….my mom is the biggest bitch ever…as soon as i wake up shes bashing me…”your selfish, all you care about is yourself..blah blah blah blah blah….....i couldnt take anymore i held it in for so long and just cut it out…she makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit on earth….how am i selfish and caring about myself when all i want to do is just die…i wrote a note that id give her when im gone….”Now you can spend your time telling someone else YOUR A BIG FUCK UP!” I JUST WANT HER TO FEEl the same way she makes me feel all the time…...im not going to blame her for how i am because i dont like to talk about feelings and all that mushy bullshit…i keep it in put on a smile while i cry the tears inside that i cant cry outside…...i just want it to end…i dont want to go to college or get a job or be an adult…im a coward who just wants to not BE anymore…..i just want to go…

i was adopted when i was 6 months old…i met my biological mother when i was nine and then lost contact with her….i know that i have 4 sisters and 4 or 5 brothers biologically…..i’ve met my oldest sister 2 times….the last time i was 10…its been 8 years since ive seen my mom and 9 years since ive seen my sister… their phone number doesnt work and when i sent them a letter it was sent back saynig that no one lived there….i dont know how to find them…i just want to see where i come from and i want to meet my sisters and brothers and see if were anything alike…i feel like theres a part of me missing and i cant get to it….i feel empty…mothers day was yesterday….and i couldnt even say happy mothers day to my biological mom….i said it to my adoptive mom…she asked me if i ever think of my biological mom and i told her no…but i do and i wish i could meet her but im afraid to ….if she didnt want me then why would she want to meet me now?

Why is it that people find your weakness and love to pick at it until it breaks you down? Just because they feel like shit. It’s a cycle of endless crap that pulls you down into nothingness. I hate him! I fucking hate him! And for some reason that’s been happening with a lot of people lately. They don’t seem to get me. Not that I would want to tell them my innermost thoughts and feelings anyway. He’s such an asshole. I came to class early just to use the computer. The same computer I use every class. And he steps right in front of me and goes to the computer that I told him I was going to use. Then he calls me a bastard because I told him to go on another computer. Well fuck him. “well if you weren’t such a bastard” I mean I know you might have had a bad day but your not the only fucking one. I’ve been having bad days since my father left us for another fucking woman. Who by the way keeps trying to change us. Kitty’s “too plain.” Liane wants her to change her hair color from brown to blonde! What the fuck is that. I dress to plain, I need more make up… yea more shit to cover my face. Hide my real self behind a mask of blush and bullshit. And taylor… what a spoiled bitch! She gets away with everything because why? She’s the baby…..awwww so let’s just give her anything she wants. It pisses me off… this morning she complained that she was late for band but she was the last person to get up. She was the one reading a magazine when I said we should leave… and then she gets mad when she’s five minutes late. Or last night when I found her reading my magazine after I had told her not to. I took it away and she gave me the middle finger and said “bitch.” So I picked up a pencil and chucked it at her head. To bad it wasn’t sharp….she thinks that just because I’m not her biological sister that she doesn’t have to listen to me….and it’s not just me its mom and dad and kitty….she lies, steals everything, procrastinates more than me and still does not get punished. And when I tell mom about it she says “what do you want me to do about it, just ignore her”….ignore her….are you fucking kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!///god just writing about this pisses me off!!!!! And even after it all she finds ways to make me feel like shit….no matter how hard I try I can’t forget the things people say…even if they only said it because they were mad. Usually the first thing people say is how their really feeling. And saying sorry does not fix it. I MIGHT forgive but I NEVER forget what people say to me or about me. so to the ones who know…*$#& off.

and i think im going to go insane….in class they have been talking about memiors an someone read about a girl who cut. then when we disscussed it and they talked aout how gross it was and who would ever do that to themselves. and that people who did that just needed to get over it…i was so pissed and just wanted to scream at them that its how we cope!! i cut to get away from the pain, as crazy as it sounds. in the book the girl described how she cut and what it looked like… i just wanted to leave class and go cut…..especially after the class talked. if they knew that i cut they would think i was stupid and would tell me to get over it….they dont get it at all….

so everythings been building and penting up inside and feel like im going to blow. i cant talk to my family and my friends dont understand all that im going through…i just want to cry everything out…cutting seems o help for a while but i still need a good cry…..im still waiting.

i love my tattoo..and im actually getting another one this weekend!....it didnt hurt and it came out great…mine is a symbol for strenght….

i was fighting with my dad last night and he was yelling at me to shut the fuck up over and over just telling me to shut the fuck up..i hate living with my dad and i hate going back to my moms because all we do is fight too. thats why i go out with friends all the time…to get away from fighting….i went to my room and felt the tears but they didntcome..i didnt cry i just sat on my bed waiting to break down…i still didnt cry so i cut…i had nowhere for the anger and hurt to go so i cut it away….no tears just blood to replace them…i just want to cry why wont my body let me anymore…..i put up a front and now icant let it down…im not trying to hold them back so whats wrong with me?...

i was fighting with my dad last night and he was yelling at me to shut the fuck up over and over just telling me to shut the fuck up..i hate living with my dad and i hate going back to my moms because all we do is fight too. thats why i go out with friends all the time…to get away from fighting….i went to my room and felt the tears but they didntcome..i didnt cry i just sat on my bed waiting to break down…i still didnt cry so i cut…i had nowhere for the anger and hurt to go so i cut it away….no tears just blood to replace them…i just want to cry why wont my body let me anymore…..i put up a front and now icant let it down…im not trying to hold them back so whats wrong with me?....

well since im the only one in this catagory i can say anything….but sometimes i have the urge to just get in the car and drive away somewhere…i’d love to just leave my phone so noone can call me and drive out all day…come home and not even explain where i was….ahhh to dream….

well tomorrow starts the 10 day spring break for me..im getting another tatto and getting it over my scars. i’ve decided to stop for good ..that way i can’t cut there anymore. its relativly big and when i get it ill post the picture…hope all goes well wish me luck…

it wasn’t even that big of a problem at first…my parents were on me again about my sliping grades..they keep telling me that i need to get it together and stop feeling sorry for myself…they dont get it and summer is comming…how am i going to hide the scars from my family and friends?...i need long sleeved shirts …if they see all the scars they’ll send me away and i dont want to spend my summer in psyke…..i made about 20 new cuts on my arm…went a lil crazy and couldn’t stop myself…i dont know what to do to cover them…..