wheresyourheart

it feels really good but im still getting urges :/
and ive started having nightmares again. in one of them i dreamed that i was standing in my shower and the water was turnig orange-red like it did after i dyed my hair red except when i looked down it was really coming from cuts going up my arms and legs. i was so scared after that and i couldnt sleep for the rest of the night.
last week i had like an anxiety attack or something and i felt really horrible and all i wanted to do was cut but i figured i should talk to someone instead. so i texted my only friend who knows i still cut and tryed to explain how i was feeling. and then i told him how i wanted to kill myself a little while ago and he freaked out and told me how it was messing up his life cuz hes worried about me and it all ended up badly and i felt even more horrible than before. but i didnt cut which is good cuz we made up and were talking again but now im kinda scared that somethings going to happen and im going to want to cut and i wont be able to talk to anyone cuz im afraid im going to make people more worried about me.

so last night i had a little bit of a freak out. nothing really triggered it though, i was just sitting around and i started thinking about how i wasnt sure if i could stop for good and about how many people i was hurting just from cutting. then i started thinking, if i was dead, i couldnt hurt anyone anymore. everyone who worries about me all the time wouldnt even have to think about me ever again. thats when i decided i might as well just end it all but, lucky for me, i lost my razor. i looked for it for like ten minutes but i couldnt find it anywhere. i thought about getting a knife from the kitchen but, of course, my mom was in the living room and she would have noticed if i tryed to take one of the knives up to my room. i started feeling so desparate that i almost broke a glass pitcher i had in my room just so i could have something sharp. i eventually calmed down and i didnt hurt myself beyond scraching up my arms but now im so scared that im going to get like that again and next time i might acctually be able to go through with it.

and now im back to where i started :[
somehow i managed to go a little over a year with out actually cutting. i would still hurt myself but in little ways, like digging my nails into my skin or bitting my fingers, but really i was getting much much better.
but then, about half way through June i started feeling depressed again, like everything was stupid and pointless. little things would get to me more easily like grades and my mom was pressuring me to do better in school cuz my best is never good enough.
my first slip up happened one day that wasnt turning out very good for me. i figured id go to the gym and run off some of my bad feelings but my mom wouldnt take me cuz she thought i should study for a test i had in a week. i freaked out and started crying and then i saw a pair of medical scissors in my bathroom and cut myself with them.
i felt so much better and i was almost doing it out of spite so that my mom could hurt as much i did but i knew i would never show it to her. i covered up and promised myself i wouldnt do it again.
my next slip up happened a week or two later after my boyfriends and mines six month anaversery. everything was good but then we got in a fight about something that was really no big deal. i dont really want to go into it but we ended up breaking up in a horrible way and i was so sad. i never really cut over that but any little thing would set me off making shallow little cuts on my arm.
after that i managed to go a month without cutting myself but then more shit happened having to do with my ex and other people and my weight and a bunch of other things that you dont really want to hear and ive just gone downhill from there. ive found a lovely sharp razor that someone has left so carelessly in my bathroom cabnet and i have seven large cuts just above my left ankle all from different occasions.
everyone who knows wants me to stop. my ex wants me to stop and hes not going to talk to me until ive stoped for good. i want to stop so baddly but its hard and i dont know if im strong enough…