it feels really good but im still getting urges :/
and ive started having nightmares again. in one of them i dreamed that i was standing in my shower and the water was turnig orange-red like it did after i dyed my hair red except when i looked down it was really coming from cuts going up my arms and legs. i was so scared after that and i couldnt sleep for the rest of the night.
last week i had like an anxiety attack or something and i felt really horrible and all i wanted to do was cut but i figured i should talk to someone instead. so i texted my only friend who knows i still cut and tryed to explain how i was feeling. and then i told him how i wanted to kill myself a little while ago and he freaked out and told me how it was messing up his life cuz hes worried about me and it all ended up badly and i felt even more horrible than before. but i didnt cut which is good cuz we made up and were talking again but now im kinda scared that somethings going to happen and im going to want to cut and i wont be able to talk to anyone cuz im afraid im going to make people more worried about me.
so last night i had a little bit of a freak out. nothing really triggered it though, i was just sitting around and i started thinking about how i wasnt sure if i could stop for good and about how many people i was hurting just from cutting. then i started thinking, if i was dead, i couldnt hurt anyone anymore. everyone who worries about me all the time wouldnt even have to think about me ever again. thats when i decided i might as well just end it all but, lucky for me, i lost my razor. i looked for it for like ten minutes but i couldnt find it anywhere. i thought about getting a knife from the kitchen but, of course, my mom was in the living room and she would have noticed if i tryed to take one of the knives up to my room. i started feeling so desparate that i almost broke a glass pitcher i had in my room just so i could have something sharp. i eventually calmed down and i didnt hurt myself beyond scraching up my arms but now im so scared that im going to get like that again and next time i might acctually be able to go through with it.
and now im back to where i started :[
somehow i managed to go a little over a year with out actually cutting. i would still hurt myself but in little ways, like digging my nails into my skin or bitting my fingers, but really i was getting much much better.
but then, about half way through June i started feeling depressed again, like everything was stupid and pointless. little things would get to me more easily like grades and my mom was pressuring me to do better in school cuz my best is never good enough.
my first slip up happened one day that wasnt turning out very good for me. i figured id go to the gym and run off some of my bad feelings but my mom wouldnt take me cuz she thought i should study for a test i had in a week. i freaked out and started crying and then i saw a pair of medical scissors in my bathroom and cut myself with them.
i felt so much better and i was almost doing it out of spite so that my mom could hurt as much i did but i knew i would never show it to her. i covered up and promised myself i wouldnt do it again.
my next slip up happened a week or two later after my boyfriends and mines six month anaversery. everything was good but then we got in a fight about something that was really no big deal. i dont really want to go into it but we ended up breaking up in a horrible way and i was so sad. i never really cut over that but any little thing would set me off making shallow little cuts on my arm.
after that i managed to go a month without cutting myself but then more shit happened having to do with my ex and other people and my weight and a bunch of other things that you dont really want to hear and ive just gone downhill from there. ive found a lovely sharp razor that someone has left so carelessly in my bathroom cabnet and i have seven large cuts just above my left ankle all from different occasions.
everyone who knows wants me to stop. my ex wants me to stop and hes not going to talk to me until ive stoped for good. i want to stop so baddly but its hard and i dont know if im strong enough…
its the song from that mcdonalds comercial where the kids are playing tug a war agains a kid reaching for a happy meal. the lyrics are “you and you and you and you and you can follow me (wherever)”. i’ve tryed google but that was no help. :[
its been five weeks or so since i last cut
and the scar reducer is working really well
but last night i had the scaryest dream
no its more like a nightmare
well, i dremt that i cut again
it was only a small cut but i started bleeding all over
i woke up and imediatly checked my arms to make sure it wasn’t real
i was so scared
theres alot of days when i dont want to live
i start thinking about suicide and it sounds so nice
to cut myself one last time
so even though the cutting problem is getting better
its getting so much worse in my mind
okay so im doing pretty well
im on a diet with my mom
its so lame but whatever
we’re on this detox diet thing
you eat things like flax seed and shit
i dont really get it
so now im only eating salads at lunch
but all different kinds of salads so i dont get bored
we’ll just have to see
i also went to the gym twice last week and i think im going today too
i’ve already started to lose weight and i only started this two weeks ago
well i havent cut for 12 days now and im proud of myself
its been really hard though
so i told my mom
its a cutters worst nightmare
that someone will find out
or you have to tell them
i felt so pressured
just because my sister wanted to go swimming
my mom says that she’ll be there to talk about my problems with me
but thats why i started cutting
because i have problems with talking about my problems
i never wanted to tell anyone
i hate giving them this burden thats mine
i hate having people worry about me
ever since i told during the day i almost deny to myself that ive ever cut
unless i look at my arms of couse
and at night i dream of cutting again and seeing the blood again
its so sick but i cant help it
i really need help
i hope that im finished with cutting for good
but you never know
right after i wrote that last entry
my mom had us go feed our animals
we live on a farm okay?
with ducks and chickens so yea
well my little sister got really mad at me
i was mad too but i thought i could handle it
then she said “why cant you be human? why cant you help someone else instead of yourself. your so selfish”
she ment it
and it hurt me
it hurt me so bad and so deep
because im a good person, i almost always put others feelings before my own
i started crying so hard
my mom had a talk with us about respeting others
she made my sister say sorry
but i dont think she really ment it
i was still crying
i couldn’t stop
when everyone went upstairs i grabed a knife and when into the bathroom
i cut my arms up and felt so much better just to see the blood again and feel the physical pain
it took the pain out of my heart
but as i felt so much better i felt so much worse
because i knew i had just said that i went a week without cutting
and i felt so proud of myself
now i just feel horrible
its been seven or eight days since i last cut
it doesnt seem like much but i’ve thought about it everyday
like how i had to preform a song by myself in front of my english class
i thought i did so horrible and i was so embarressed when i came home all i wanted to do was cut
but instead i listened to my music so loud and played my gutair so hard i broke the d string
and after all that i felt a hundered times better
and for me this is a great start
i just hope i can keep it up
okay so i was at this conference/class thing today
but i didn’t know anyone there
so at the begining when the speaker was giving her speech and everyone was talking to their friends
i was all alone
i started freaking out
like having a panic attack
but its not like i could get up and leave in the middle of the speech
so i started scraching my arms up and pinching them all over
it hurt but i felt so much better
and thats bad
i even tryed some deep breathing exercises and thinking of something else besides the fact that i was all alone
but nothing seemed to work
i really just wanted to scream and cry
but the pain seemed to compensate for that
i think i need professional help
im going to sign up for councling at my school tommorro
i think being able to talk about my problems will help alot
this site has already help so much
things will get better now
i havent cut for very long, just like a month or two but i really want to stop. im always wearing sweatshirts, which is okay for now becuase its still really cold out… but i dont know what im going to do when warm weather gets here…
at a school dance recently, even though i was dying of heat exaustion, i wouldn’t take my sweatshirt off and when my friend tryed to take it off for me i started freaking out.
the only person that knows is my best friend. she promised she wouldn’t tell anyone if i promised to stop. i’ve probably broken that promise atleast 10 times now. but i really want to stop.
im thinking of going to counceling at my school… i just hope that they dont tell parents because i know my mom would freak and feel so guilty and i would feel horrible. i know i have to tell her i just need sometime.
i hate it. i cut when i feel stupid or frusterated or angery… it just kinda slips… but im really making an effort now.
okay i did it, i asked him to tolo. he said no though, he couldn’t go. i probably should have asked him long before the day before. but whatever. atleast i tryed. i guess. maybe now that he knows how i feel something else will happen… haha i wish
last night my drama class had our first production. we san songs from the 50’s like “shout”. i had “la bamba”. pretty easy just one word, ‘bamba’. i though i sounded horrible but apparently its just my low self esstem talking. everyone though i sounded great. im just hopeing that we sing more in drama so i can learn more.
tolo is next saturday! eep! thats not very long… i dont know if he’s been asked yet either… im afrid of the word “no” but i guess i might have to deal with it pretty soon
i dont really want to not eat, i just want to say something to all of you. please eat! not eating is probalbly one of the worst things you could do for youself! people have acctually died from this, no kidding. as much as i want to be skinny, i still make an effort to eat. also, by not eating you are just losing weight slower because your metabolism slows down to conserve the fat so you dont die! im not kidding. try eating less, or not eating shittly junk food or something but please eat… im not saying this to be bitchy, im saying this because i care. a friend of mine didn’t eat anything for a long time and had to go to the hospital. shes okay now but it was really serious. im just trying to prevent it from happening to more people. i bet none of you are fat anyways. please girls (and guys if there are any)i really mean it. try eating. comment me if you want support, or just to yell at me for how insensitve i am to your plight of unhappyness .
love you all.
for too long i have agreed with other people even if i didn’t want to. i got my hair cut in a style i didn’t like just because my friend said i should and my mom got pissed becuase i was up all that night crying about it. i dont really want to drink but i might because my friends do so apparently i should. i also dont like to say things just because im afraid of what others will think of me. from now on im going to listen to what i want to do not what other people want me to do. im going to be my idoiot self who is sober and likes to laugh just beacuase I want to.
i wish i could be like my best friend, kelsey. her friend was telling her not to act like who she really is and kels atleast acted like she didnt give a fuck because she has better friends than her. i kinda wish i could do that whenever someone thinks i should change just becuase they dont like me. thats my goal. next time someone tries to change me im going to tell them to go bitch about it to someone who cares and walk away, happy. im not sure if this would work, nessisaraly but it worked in kelseys case so i might as well try.
ive tryed proactive… that was a painful experience. i also tryed this spot treatment stuff that my dermetologist told me to get… which didn’t work. right now im using neutogeina sensitve skin products… its not getting better but atleast its not getting worse… any hints???
this semseter i had two art classes, 4 sketches for one due every 2 weeks and 3 sketches for the other due every 3 weeks. so i was pretty busy. now the semester is over and i dont have an art class this semester so i have to self motivate myself… we’ll just have to see how that goes…
i dont have alot of money for shoping right now… i just spent most of my money on a new ipod (one that accutaly works) and i want some pairs of skinny jeans so im going to try to tailor my regular jeans. i hope i dont mess this up too bad…