I'm doing 7 things
It’s been 2 months now since I walked out. There have been down days, angry days, scared as hell days, but there also have been good days. With the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on, I have to say, it’s been a relief not having to deal with my husbands alcoholism on top of everything else. I am free to feel and not be told I’m crazy. If I feel like crying, I can cry and feel good about it.
My kids and I are doing just fine. It’s nice not having to walk on eggshells all the time. Having that heavy tension out of our lives has made it so much more enjoyable.
Sure, I get lonely. I still grieve the loss of “forever” I thought I would have. But my steps are lighter, my moods are calmer. I just can’t express the relief of letting go of all that drama.
My husband still sends me texts messages everyday telling me he wants me and I’ll always be the only one for him. Sometimes I just ignore them. Sometimes I cry over them. Sometimes I wonder if I am going to be alright.
I tried my best to make it work. I tried to get him to hear me and understand what his drinking was doing to me, to my kids. I begged, I pleaded…. he didn’t want anything to do with me. He chose his drinking over me. Every night I slept alone while he was up drinking until 5 in the morning. Sometimes he would just pass out, sometimes he would wake me to have sex, sometimes he would wake me just to fight. I couldn’t do it anymore. Even now, sometimes when he texts me and a try to explain to him the why’s, he still won’t admit his part. He still says its all me and my fault. I’m the one who gave up and walked out.
I truly wanted it to work with us. I wanted to grow old with him. But I needed him to love me as much as I loved him.
This is my 2nd and last divorce. I have accepted the fact that I am supposed to be alone. Sure feels much lighter anyways. I’m not strong enough to carry the burdens of a man. For some reason, they seem to lean pretty heavy on me, but when I need to do some leaning, they brush me off. If I’m not allowed to lean on them, then I might as well be on my own. It’s much easier this way. I don’t feel so lonely now as I did sleeping alone married.
I’m going to be ok. My kids will be stronger for it. I will be there example by showing them to be their own person by not letting anyone hold them back from being happy. I think they are seeing that it takes alot of hard work to have a successful life. I hope they never let anyone take that away from them the way I let it be taken away from me. Once you have everything you want in life, it’s never worth giving it up for another person.
