wiredfu

There seems to be so many events taking place, and what others consider exciting times just scares me.

My daugther just graduated Kindergarten the other day, and the ceremony took place in – you guessed it, a crowded auditorium. Thankfully, I brought along my video camera and hugged the wall filming the event. Just looking in the viewfinder, focusing on my daughter, completely zoning out the rest of the crowd. That helped. I wonder if I could just walk around just viewing the world through a camcorder.

This weekend we’re heading off to a wedding. And there’s another one in a few weeks.

I’m buying extra batteries for my camcorder.

I took the test, and discovered that I’m an ISFJ, who are, among other things, “super-dependable,” which “leads them into occupations such as nursing, teaching, secretarial work, medical practice (especiall general practice), librarian work, and middle-management administrative jobs.”

I work in a library, as a second/third in command at times. I’m also expected to cover every type of desk – circulation, reference, and childrens. Because, I’m “super dependable” I guess.

It’s frightening at times. Sometimes I secretly wish the bus would jump the curb and run into me, rather than getting inside and going to work. When the phone rings I swear it’s going to be bad news, and it’s going to be about something I did (or didn’t do.)

Having people crowd around me is stressful. Waiting in a large crowd for something makes me want to scream, but thinking about screaming frightens me even more because everyone would just stare at me – making a bad situation even worse.

The good thing, however, is that after years of suffering – I finally seem to grasp what brings on these attacks. I can almost sense an attack coming, and can try to avoid it. My wife now understands my dilemma, and understands why I now just hand her the cash or the credit card while she waits in line and I take the kids outside for a breath of fresh air. She knows not to plan us being in a large, crowded area for a long period of time unless there’s a place where I can just slip away to gather myself.

But I still need more help. Self-help books and St. John’s Wort no longer seem to help, so we’re now looking for therapists who specialize in anxiety disorders. Hopefully one day I can be the life of the party, or at least not be that one guy sitting outside waiting for it to end.