for the most part i try to eat healthy foods. my weight has officially gotten out of hand, and i’m tired and moody and sluggish all the time.
i decided to really focus on myself this week. i’m doing things that i feel good about, that includes eating.
sadly, we’re currently not speaking. things ended amicably and officially on my thirtieth birthday. i’d spent two-and-a-half months in a sort of limbo, not knowing what was going on. i tried asking outright and would only receive vague half-answers like, “i want a monogamous, platonic relationship with you.” what does that even mean? it means we’re not dating each other, but you don’t want me to date anyone else. it implies that you’re not dating anyone else, but you also know that i would never ask you if you were.
things had been tense for a while. i don’t feel longing anymore. i don’t feel anything anymore. i still love him, and when it ended he told me, “you know, i still intend to marry you one day.” for the first time, i didn’t cry when i heard that.
it says that it takes an average of two years to attain this goal. i haven’t given up, but i’m exploring other options…
i was turned on to freecycle when i moved this past fall. so i try to post to freecycle once a month. anything that isn’t picked up is donated.
i joined a livejournal community of plus-sized girls. ever friday we’re allowed to make sales posts. it allows me to get rid of some of the things in my closet that i don’t wear/can’t fit and make a couple dollars for them.
i’m not sure when i posted this as a goal originally. it’s been just over a year with the Viking. granted, we were only a couple for roughly half of the year. things are pretty screwed up right now, actually.
we both admit that there are feelings there. we both admit that we want to be together. but for some stupid reason we aren’t.
wow, i have the feeling it’s time for a “come to jesus”...
i carry my camera literally everywhere i go. i’ve been taking pictures in traffic, in the bar, at the grocer, of my son, of the sky, all over the place. i’m not to impressed with the pictures as i thought i’d be though…i’ve not given up yet.
so…i told him. it was a few weeks ago. sadly it was because we were fighting. i never intended for it to come out the way that it did, but i feel (felt) so much better for getting it out in the proverbial open.
we’ve been together just a little while – this goal was actually originally about someone else entirely. but now i’m happy. i love, i am loved.
i’ve been avoiding the conversation for the past month or so. and he’s asked. we’ve been seeing each other since December and not once have we (rather, have i) attempted to specify what we’re doing.
over the weekend i found myself in a position where i couldn’t get away from answering. and i’ve had a few days to think about it and put my words together. and i don’t know any better now than i did back in December…
i’m doing so well with this!
it’s to the point now where i can go to the grocery store and not have a moment in the bakery department. i keep fresh fruit and vegetables in the house for snacking and i’m drinking lots of water and herbal teas. i feel so much better in general…
that he was never to be trusted in the first place. saying that i “gave up” isn’t technically accurate; rather i decided to cut my losses.
so i don’t think i’m going to author a book or anything, but it’s been a pretty rough year. and my kid’s turning out to be one of the good ones. we’ve gone through “where’s daddy?”, having both of us living with bipolar disorder, and a child-services investigation.
Alex will be five next month. i know i’m not going to win a trophy for “Mother of the Year” anytime soon, but i think i’m doing okay. i’m bringing up a boy who respects himself and others, who knows that it’s okay to be himself no matter what anyone else thinks about it, who says please, thank you, you’re welcome, bless you, and excuse me. he knows how to love, and i think that’s more important than anything else he could ever learn.
i started making my own clothes as a small child and just never stopped. i don’t do it as often as i’d like to anymore, and i hope to someday pay the bills doing it.
for anyone who’s afraid that it’s too hard, believe me, it really isn’t. just start out small – a skirt, a doctored hoodie, hemming a pair of pants. and work your way up from there…
each of my tattoos marks a specific time in my life. each is also from a different shop.
everyone whines about the cost and the pain, but i feel that both are totally worth it. i mean, how much did your car cost? how long do you think it’s going to last? to those with children – how much did that hurt? i know, but that’s a new life brought into the world. i think of tattoos in much the same way – as thoughts made manifest as artwork. and much like bringing a new life into the world, it’ll be around for quite a while (hopefully)...
i drink something like 3 liters of water a day. i’ve lost a little weight, my skin has cleared up (although it was never bad to begin with). what i do now is for every half-can of soda i drink, i drink a half-liter of water. i’ve noticed a definite difference in my overall health since!
i don’t know that i ever “turned” gothic…it’s just something i’ve always been.
i don’t recommend going out of your way to become anything, just be yourself (i know how lame it sounds, i’m old, get over it)...
i had a child on my own. not so much by choice as daddy decided not to be involved about halfway through the pregnancy.
i definitely wouldn’t have done it if i’d known i was going to go it alone, but even still – i wouldn’t take it back. all the sleepless nights, midnight diaper runs, stained clothes (yours more than his), temper flares, missed potty attempts (it’s always great to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and step into a puddle of urine), shredded copies of Vogue…it’s all made worth it when you look into that perfect little face and he (in my case) tells you, “Mommy, I love you so much in the whole wide world!”
