write2lissa26

I worry so much!!! I use to suffer from BAD Anxiety/Panic Attacks…..it started when I was about 17 and lasted until I was about 21. I got over it ALL BY MYSELF…it took patience and TIME and a lot of suffering!!!! I was left with being a “worrier”....I’m not as bad as I once WAS. I’ve improved a lot but I STILL tend to worry and drive my loved ones a little CRAZY AT TIMES!!!!! I am always thinking the very worst!! Everyday I talk to my boyfriend at 5:30…..if he doesn’t pick up at 5:30 I start to panic. I think somethings terribly wrong…I start to think he’s gotten into some horrible accident or something VERY BAD as happened to him. This has been going on for 10 years now and you would think by now that I STOP worrying and just KNOW he’s okay and my phone will ring SOON…many times in the past ten years it’s happened where we have plans to talk at a certain time and for some reason or another he doesn’t call or pick up at the time we’ve planned. And each and EVERY TIME it happens I panic like crazy, start to call him every minute and text him begging him to write me back and let me know where he is and if he’s okay. I KNOW I must be SOOOO annoying, I can hear the frustration in his voice. I should KNOW by now that he’s okay but I always think THIS is the TIME that something has truly happened to him…and he’s sick or hurt somewhere. “SIGH”. I worry about MANY other things….I replay situations in my head over and over again and play out different endings to them and they are always bad endings. I always think the worst. I worry about Money, My job, my health. I often think I have some sickness or disease. I often think my CAT is sick or dying …if he throws up or doesn’t eat I start thinking he’s dying. If I don’t get a text message from my boyfriend in awhile I worry that somethings wrong with him…I worry my boyfriends going to forget to pay our CELL PHONE bill every month and we won’t have any way to talk.(He lives an hour away and doesn’t have a house phone…just a cell phone). I worry about my Dad’s health and he’s VERY healthy. I often worry about “death” in general. On the weekends when I’m off work either I’m having a worry free weekend OR my weekend is terrible and filled with constant worry. Once I eliminate one worry/fear another one creeps up on me. no matter what’s going on, I always believe the outcome will be the worst. It’s so HARD for me to think positive. My boyfriend lives an hour away like I said…we talk daily and he spends the weekends with me…..I OVER Analyze everything he says when we talk daily. If he’s not in a VERY HAPPY Mood and joking around with me( he’s normally a very happy FUNNY and patient and relaxed person)I right away think I’ve done something wrong, he’s mad at me, he’s going to tell me hates me ( yeah after 10 years) and overall that he just can’t stand me. We have a GREAT loving relationship but it’s hard when you talk to someone daily and can’t really tell how their feeling because for ONE you can’t see them or for two you can’t always take what someone says in the way it was meant to me taken. Things can be interpreted in SO many ways. Tonight I’m feeling that way again, thinking somethings wrong and he’s upset with me. I ask him MANY times if he’s mad at me and he continues to say NO but I’m NOT crazy, I can TELL with him when somethings not right. His TONE of voice changes from his normal happy joking self to very plain and kinda of sarcastic, he just listens to me and doesn’t talk much. I KNOW somethings wrong…and because he doesn’t just TELL ME ( or heck at least HIDE it from me if you aren’t going to tell me what’s on your mind!!) I can’t help but let my mind race with negative thoughts. I worry a lot less NOW then I once did, this is actually and improvement. BEFORE I worried about anything and everything…now I look back at things I USE to worry about and laugh at myself and think WOW I can’t believe I once worried about that STUFF, I had ZERO reason to worry, I created ALL that panic and worry myself!!! I hope and PRAY one day I look back at ALL the things I worry about these days and feel the exact same WAY!!!!

I’ve had a FEAR of driving since I was 16. I’m 28 and STILL don’t drive. I’m SO scared…it seems like WAY to much for me to do ALL at ONE TIME! I feel like I won’t be able to concentrate . I’m SO scared of an accident. Most people don’t understand, they say JUST DRIVE, there’s nothing to be scared of and blah blah blah. I get it from FAMILY badly. My Mom’s husband looks down at me so BADLY because I don’t drive…he talks down to me behind my back and to my FACE. They live an hour away and know that my brother’s are older and he doesn’t need me to ” babysit” anymore he refuses to drive BOTH ways to come pick me up to spend time with my Mother and Brother’s because I don’t drive. Back in the day when he wanted to take my Mother out or go away for the night or weekend he would pick me up and take me home in a heartbeat. I’m not NOT driving because I’m LAZY….or just don’t feel like it. It’s because I have a REAL FEAR. Like people who are scared of Spiders or Dogs…..I am scared to DRIVE!! Period. I WANT to get OVER THIS FEAR…but it has to be done when I’m READY not when the world thinks I should be. I’m not forcing myself behind the wheel before I feel ready and comfortable, i don’t want to freak out behind the wheel and god forbid get into a horrible accident all because I felt forced to DRIVE before I was ready. i’m taking baby steps right now…I’m reading the Drivers Manual so I can JUST take my written TEST. Pass that and SLOWLY go from there. SLOWLY. My boyfriend also lives an hour away and always drives to spend the weekend with me…I take a BUS to work every day. I realize not driving HOLDS me back a lot and makes things difficult for my family and loved ones and even for myself but I’m working on my fears, all I ask is that I get support NOT picked on and put down for a REAL FEAR.

I NEED TO SPEAK MY MIND MORE OFTEN!! i’m tired of keeping my mouth shut because I fear what the reaction will be from someone.