xCrazyKyliex

People are rude and self-absorbed here. They treat each other like shit. I’m ready to move somewhere else.

I realized he was crawling just a few weeks ago. It seemed like it took so long for him to go from rolling to crawling, but now that he’s crawling he’s figured it all out.

He started standing up with the help of furniture and our legs a week ago, and last night I realized he could stand completely on his own.

He’s only 7-months-old, I definitely wasn’t expecting him to be going this fast so young, but it definitely is exciting.

So if you think a lot can’t happen in only one year, you’re wrong. I’m living proof of this.

So basically I took a year off of myspace or any real kind of networking, work, and I was homeschooled through a public school (The rewarding thing about going to a super small school). At the time I wrote my last entry, I had no real reason to believe anything would get better or that I would have to face a real spiritual and emotional milestone in my life. I was an emotionally complex and troubled person. I may still be emotionally complex, but I can at least cross off troubled.

I remember on the first snowfall in November of last year I was waiting outside for a friend. I didn’t want to go home because it wasn’t what I thought a home should be. I spent a lot of my time behind a church just waiting. After all the drinking I had done to overcompensate for my emptiness I was reaching a breaking point.

For some reason I decided to pray. It was a strange feeling to me because I was never spiritual let alone religious, my life consisted of overwhelming emotions and hurt. I guess at that moment I was tired of feeling this way, so I prayed to God asking him to give me something to live for, anything at all. Of course I had no idea what he would actually give me until a couple of weeks later.

On December 1st of last year I got a bottle of tequila and a pregnancy test. I decided to take the test first because I didn’t think drinking was a good idea if I wasn’t sure. I found that the test said positive. On my way to go talk to my boyfriend I was worried he would abandon me or be angry, but I was shocked to find that upon hearing the news he hugged me for the rest of the night. I was thinking about what I should do the whole night. I was always adamant about either abortion or adoption until I was actually forced into the situation, and when I thought about those two options that night I knew it would be the wrong answer. I had to keep him, and I was relieved that Quenten thought I made a good decision.

I also had to rehabilitate from my depression and drinking problem. After deciding to get better a lot of anxiety and confusion occurs. Its like being born when all you know is darkness. I had to reach a breaking point to improve myself and I finally did. I can’t say its perfect, no one is, but I can say that I have found myself and my own happiness. I also suggest that if you are going through a similar situation I did, never stop trying. Happiness can be achievable and its not hopeless. You only have one life to live, you might as well make it one worth living in.

I consider my pregnancy my growing period. I feel we grew together in different ways, and oddly enough both my boyfriend and I agree that when our son was born into this world, so were we. The past doesn’t exist anymore only a better future. An unplanned pregnancy, though tragic to some, was my salvation. I was looking to death to end my suffering, but oddly what was really the end to that was life. Nickolas is truly an angel to me, I might not think that sometimes when he spits up all over me, but he truly is and I will always love him.

X-posted to myspace.