xoxoimperfection

I don’t think I can mark this off my list quite yet, but I came to a very valuable realization along these lines last week. I realized that, in life, there are a multitude of things that I can’t control. It doesn’t matter if I cry over them, complain about them, express indifference towards them, or embrace them—they are the way they are. So what’s the point in fighting it? Why stress over those things—both big and little—that are entirely out of our hands? It’s largely a part of the human condition, I suppose. But, since that thought emerged with such clarity, I have been so much less stressed. I’ve let things go, accepted that my actions have no effect on the outcome. I swear, I haven’t been this anxiety-free in… a year, at least. Probably longer. It’s knowledge that takes awhile to come by… but when you figure it out, it’s infinitely rewarding.

I’m getting much, much better about this. I wouldn’t call it a completed goal by any means, but I’ve made vast improvements in the past few days and weeks. I’m rapidly learning that I have no reason to stifle my opinions. I make particular progress when this goal whenever I’m angry. When I get truly impassioned, I gain a level of eloquence that I at times lack in everyday life. When I’m angry, I know how to express myself with true precision and aptitude. We’ll see if I continue moving in the right direction with this one…

I’ve checked this one as “done,” but I’m going to continue making entries in it, whenever it happens. It’s not one of those solidly “one time” accomplishments. Quite frankly, I thought it was impossible, until Thursday. I was having a rather… intense conversation with my current boyfriend out at our local country club. Despite all of my reassurances, my boyfriend still gets a bit concerned about my ex and the relationship I have with him. I believe it’s possible to have a healthy, purely platonic relationship with those you’ve previously dated. The particular ex of mine in question, however, is very persistent, and very open about the fact that he still has feelings for me. The feelings are in NO WAY reciprocated, but he’s attempted to make a move on me on several occasssions. Such advances were always rejected on my part, and I always told my current boyfriend when they occured, but it makes him nervous all the same.

Well, one of my current boyfriend’s good friends caught wind of the fact that my ex had been making advances on me, and, not knowing exactly how I reacted and also unaware that my current boyfriend knew exactly what had been happening, he attempted to convince my boyfriend that I was a faithless slut. My boyfriend knows me well enough to seriously doubt the validity of such a claim, but, as we were having our conversation, my boyfriend did ask me, for about the…. seven millionth time, “Are you sure you’re not going to leave me for your ex?” Instead of answering him, I looked down at my hand, and gave him a little grin, before I started walking towards the golf course. I slipped off the ring that I haven’t taken off since my ex-boyfriend gave it to me almost two years ago. I opened my palm, glanced at the $300 dollar diamond, measured its weight in the center of my hand… Then I turned around to look at my bewildered boyfriend, who was following me, eyeing me like I was insane. With a perfectly self assured smile, I said, “Let’s see just how good of an arm I have… shall we?” With that, I threw the damn thing as far as I could onto the golf course, where I believe it got snagged in the branches of some tree. Without a second glance, without bothering to look back, I walked over to my boyfriend, and hugged him fiercly.

I never would have imagined I would EVER throw that ring away. When it finally sunk in that I had purposefully cast it into relative oblivion, I was absolutely stunned…. and more excited with my own actions that I had been in a very long time. I’ve never experienced anything more liberating than freeing myself of that relic of the past. After all, what’s the point of holding on to something that means nothing? It’s just a piece of metal, a hunk of rock. It is utterly insignificant in comparison to what I have now. I truly surprised myself, and I couldn’t be happier about it.