xxhatefoodxx

my boyfriends going to get his first tatoo this month haha he wants me there to hold his hand…its like a big tiger on his chest i think. cool.cant wait til i can get tats. back, butt, boob, stomach, ankle…so on

i had a strange dream that i had a baby daughter but i forgot her name and i was protecting her from a fire near the house we were in then i asked my grandparents what her name was and they said….amber nile…and this name is totally random ive pulled it from nowhere but it feels like it means something..im gonna remmber that name.

im B/p 3-4 times a day im spending around $50 a week on binge food alone. my boyfriend of almost 3 monthes has no idea. i think the way to overcome this is to move out of home and live with my boyfriend ive almost finished school than i plan to work full time to save up some money. i feel so compelled by this disorder its like whenever im bingeing i accually stop thinking i just have to concentrate on the food im eating and let my mind drift..no worrying …making plans.. freaking out. my body is suffering and i know im closer to death than most of my friends. the drugs and bulimia are killing me. im munderweight and i want this..but i hate it so much. im just falling through the days…im looking for that great escape.

if i wasent bulimic

drugs would work better
i wouldnt steal money and food off my parents
i wouldnt starve myself
i would eat like evryone else
i would eat out
id have more time for me and others
id have more money
i wouldnt be as cold all the time
i will be healthy
i will be happy

i can have this. i deserve this. everyone does.

41. techno music
42. really dancing
43. cute asian merchendise
44. the smell of rain
45 spinning around in circles.

i went to a stupid dietician at the hospital and it mader me feel fucking awful, like she wrote me out a fucking plan of what to eat like you know its that fucking easy. im like i havent eaten like that in monthes i cant just start now..well just try. fuck her i dont wanna fucking try if im gonna do this i wanna do it alone, i dont want to be going to 3 fucking speacilists a week that just make me feel worse!!

its raining.

i like getting in touch with nature when im high. at night. fuck yes

dad thinks im at my worst ive ever been…i really couldnt care atm there seems to be so much going on even though its just school and work …and life to cope with. drugs are the only thing getting me through. but bulimia is like a much more potently addictive drug, i cant be withput it. and that really scares me to admit. i dont want to be this way foreevr, but i dont try hard enough to get helped. im just a crazy, drug fucked bulimic.

PILLLSSSSSSSSSSSSS:DDDD

sometimes ill just be outside and it all seems so surreal suddenly. i am defs and outdoors person. and im shuld totally watch the sunrise one of these days like the wholeeeeeeee thing.

ive decided the only way i can start to make headway with my recovery is to move out of home. my parents are at their wits end with food missing and locking up the pantries. blocking the toilets..and its not fair to them. im losing so much money to binge food.
im overr it im falling into its trap, its just so easy. if i move in with my boyfriend, ive only known him a few monthes and he dsnt know about bulimia and its better that way. ill be able to pretend and be normal around him so oftenly that perhaps it will just etch into me and i will get better without havin to try so hard. of cause its gonna be hard tho…

i cant until im 16 anyway im tryin 2 finsih school. then i need a car and a full time job. bulimia just sits on top of all these things weighing me down….

i havent cut since me and my boyfriend broke up a few monthes ago, and it was nothing compared to the damage i did myslef a few years ago.
emo is not about the cutting. emo was a styler of music and dress ect that was considered dark and “emo” so cutting became a part of it. which is stupid, like i relate the two, but only cause thats what everyone does. i was cutting before emo was a “trend” and no one called me emo.

i would cut again. but only if i had nothing else left, i just ignored the temptation for long enough that it didnt become a priority now i just smoke a joint or drink or fuk myslef up in other ways:D

i wuldnt encourgae anyone to cut but at the same time ive been there and its no use telling someone to stop its a personel choice.

new york…new yorkkkkkkkkkkkk

i probably wotn be gettin there for a long time, unless i win lottery or something. im struggling to save my weekly pay as it is. and savin for a car comes first. but new york..either with my boyfriend or best friend or both!!

i smoke pot reguarly. willign to try anything else will when the oppertunity arises. think im gettin some pills…ekkie…good.

im living. whatt.

fuk straight edge.

starting tomorrow, im going to wake up lie still remember what i dreamt and write it all down:D i usually have dreams that i dont vividly remmber but they are accompanied but a really strong feeling or emotion i cant quite place..? does anyone else have this.?

i have ideas. i wanna write something big like the twilight series i could not put them down!
i know i can do it, its just finding time and the brain space to hold it together and keep it going. ive got many a half started stories, that have good plots. i should really get back into it in my spare time. writing.

i want my body to be more capapble and toned rather than losing weight, been fit is a start
firstly,
i should stop smoking.
do at least 30min of wii fit everyday, probably at night.
and throw in some cardio, pilates and weights on alternate days.
it sounds like fun, just motivation…
food and eating is another thing… one day i want to eat healthy and reguarly and happily.
detoxing sounds smart, but i couldnt do it just yet.
green tea is good shit.

were getting a family tat done cause my family is like supermassive and its”murray” from my mums side. so when im 18 i guess ill have to get one maybe on inside of one of my wrists?

elegance….

34. singing like nobodys watching
35 getting stoned
36. staying up all night reading(new moon, eclipse)
37 wearing dresses.
38 passionate sex
39 edward cullen
40 anyones laughter

ive got my table set up and all the stuff i need, but for some reason i just cant bring myself to start it and i do have timne its like i dont see myself as pure enough or ive got too many problems to sacrafice myself to something so perfect??