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I’m sorry you’re hurting. You don’t say how long it’s been. These things really do take time.
Pain has to be felt honestly; you can’t avoid that. But I can assure you that one day you will feel better. If you confront things honestly, you’ll be a different and better person for having done so.
Were you the leaver or the leave-ee? Do you understand 100% why the relationship ended? Keeping a journal might help. If you don’t know how to get started, look for The New Diary (Tristine Rainer) at your local library.
Hang in there. There are no short cuts, but you will get over it.
He is the one who left me after 3yrs of marriage,actually i dont really knw wat hapnd,sometimes i manage it but sometimes all i do is cry my heart out,but one thing im realizing is talking about it is really helping me adjust.
Glad if I can help. It must be very frustrating not understanding why this happened to you. )-:
Ask yourself if you do really want to end your suffering. If “yes”, do the following. If “no”, decide how long you will keep suffering, and revisit this at the end of the period.
Recall four times when your ex did something which made you detest him and want to leave
Keep cycling fast through those four memories until you feel loathing for him
Quickly switch to one occasion when you had a lovely time together
Then ask yourself how you feel about him now
(When you have done the above, exactly as described, you will be surprised.)
I ve jsut tried the above and the results are amazing.its great to have people like you i can count on in times like this
What were the results? (I think I know what they are likely to be – and to share them may be helpful for the others who have found themselves in a similar situation)
When you wrote below “i think im going to start living for myself(wait a minute im i being selfish here)!!!!” that is not being ‘selfish’, rather it is being ‘self responsible’. We were nearly all brainwashed as kids.
And you wrote too: “you know like learn to love myself moreâ€¦…......”. Nothing to learn. Just love yourself now, as the great person you already are, instead of kidding yourelf you’re not.
I’m so sorry you feel so much pain. I know how horrible that can feel. I have only had one horrible breakup thus far but I remember feeling like I didn’t even know how to go on without him in my life. This is what seemed to work for me:
Don’t feel pressure to be “all better.” Giving yourself the freedom to feel your emotions is necessary. I know that when I tried to force myself to feel better about the breakup it just made me feel exponentially worse.
I think the best thing apart from that is focus on what you enjoy doing. Take up something new that you’ve always wanted to do. Hiking, watercolors, writing a novel, learning a new language, joining a knitting circle, kick-boxing, fishing, whatever you want… (perhaps add to you list of 43 things). It helps to try new things that demand your focus and give you joy. I believe, ultimately, you have to learn what makes you happy so you can be happy alone. You have to stop looking for your “other half” and learn how to be complete within yourself. That way you don’t feel so empty without that lost person. That’s what did it for me.
So that’s my advice in a nutshell: allow yourself time to grieve and start focusing on your aspirations that don’t involve another person.
i think im going to start living for myself(wait a minute im i being selfish here)!!!!
you know like learn to love myself more….........
Wow. Your question really hit a nerve with me since my girlfriend of 1 year just left me 2 months ago. I’ve been a mess. I lost my job, my health has slipped, and I’m in a pretty emotionally bleek place most days.
For an idea of how poorly I’ve been taking things, here’s an online video and song I made for my ex after she dumped me:
Every night I’m in pain as I go to sleep and when I wake up in the mornings, it’s like I’ve woken up in the middle of a bad dream. How can I be alone? Why do I deserve this? What do I even want to get up for?
So what to do? I’ve been recording an audio diary to get my feelings out of my head. I’ve been running some which is hard but I always feel better afterwards. I’ve also been listening to different music. What I mean is a lot of the music I like has a very serious tone that borders on depressing (Johnny Cash, Death Cab, Wilco, etc). While that music is fine when I’m not actually in a bad mood, it’s a bit corrosive right now. I’ve actually started listening to Insane Clown Posse of all things. The reason they work for me is that their music is so absurd, I forget about taking things seriously, including my own life. How can I be worried about my gf leaving me in world where two guys dress up like clowns, paint their faces, and rap about killing people and drinking Faygo??
Looks like you aint alone .
Ive had to move four times in the last 6 months after the breakup and i have lost 3 jobs,hopefully im going to start a new job in December and im praying that this time im going to settle down and settle…........just settle my mind…...........
dangerine is setting new goals.
1, Hide all of your Leonard Cohen books and CDs. Box up everything that reminds you of your ex and put it somewhere that you do not have to look at it for a few weeks.
Basically, give yourself some space to have a clear area free of reminders of the break up and the pain. Reclaim your life as yours.
2, Write down the whole break up as many times as you need to until you get bored of writing about it. You are stuck in the story and replaying it and reliving it and reliving the pain. Get it out of your head and somewhere that you can just leave it behind in a book, on a desk, in an online journal. You are not your story. You are not your pain.
3, Forgive your ex, and more importantly, FORGIVE YOURSELF! It’s OK to still be in love with someone, just remember that you need to extend that same kind of love to yourself and your pain and your experience instead of focusing on the loss. There are no winners or losers in loving. It is not a game with rules, and no one is keeping score.
I gave him back all the photos and tore sum,his clothes too,
Have not forgiven him yet why lie,but ….......im gonna think abt it now …thanx for the advice
These are some things that have helped
me put my heartbreak and loss in perspective – In letting go of my ex – and clearing out that space I was holding in reserve for him – even if it was being filled with painful memories or hurtful things that had happened… I was still holding on to what could have been and what I wanted to happen
and what might have been… if only… – in really letting him go I
could allow space for something good to come into my life.
full of sour milk.
what happened and who he was (even if I still love him and wanted him… I wanted it better than what happened! Also I deserve someone who WANTS ME as much as I want them!) So these cards say stuff like….
“Good people and experiences are attracted to my life because I am
worthy of all these and more”
“Everyday life and love are happening around me.”
not to write these statements in the negative… i.e. “I won’t accept
anything less than what I deserve.” Negative words reinforce negative
mind dwells on your ex – tell yourself something very kind and loving.
Give yourself a mental hug. And force yourself to read at least one or
two of these cards.
habits – our mental habit of thinking of them… even if it’s painful. We
need to think of ourselves instead. Sometimes this is forced.
because the habit gently wears away out of use. This other way I’m telling
you about is being proactive about making these changes and healing!
O h, yeah… the other thing… if you haven’t really let yourself
mourn… you won’t get over it. So make sure you do that. Then get on
with the joyous life you deserve.
It's your life and you deserve to heal!!
And be loved.
My best wishes!
Sometimes just talking about it feels
Waoo tis great to know how many caring people we have out there,,,,,,,lots and lots of them…..come to think of it im still beautifully and wonderfully made and im a great person too,im gonna get me a man…...............someday soooooooooooooon
It has taken me over 10 years to get over my first girlfriend. I’m not sure if I will ever forget or stop thinking about her. First loves are something that stay with you for a lifetime. Just be aware of the seasons of your life, every stage of it has a different charm. Things always workout for the best.
larylaka is singing out loud with her band!
it’s not easy. i’m trying to get over a past relationship and move on with my life for a year and a few months now. He was my first real love. And i never thought i was capable to love someone the way i did.
I hope u’ll get throuh the difficult times you having now. and all i can say is that time will help u heal your pain as it’s help me with mine. I now it’s very clichè but it’s actully true.
At the beginning, just after we break up, i had to hide some stuff, sure, but … well… that may sound weird but one thing that caught my attention was the kinds of scents (perfume, fragrance, cant translate it correctly) i was using during the period we were together. I got a perfume a month before we started the relationship and i used to like it very much, but after the break up i just couldn’t use it anymore. I guess i didn’t think that the scents could be more powerful than the gifts. As for the music side i guess im much more healed. Of course i had to stop listening to some stuff we would listen together for a while like pearl jam, coldplay, classic rock, etc. But that doesn’t affect me that much anymore. I still think he’s my male version hahahaha coz we have so much alike, but what i can feel now that i can be happy with someone else too, and that this someone does not need to be just like me.
I really hope u can keep your new job and get over the pain!!! :)
I don’t mean to be rude, but you can’t force it. I’ve been in love 3 times, and I still love the first one, but not the second one. Just try and ignore it….
Time heals…(it´s true, i can confirm that)you might take 1 month or 1 year. But while time goes by be busy, do lots of things, don´t just stand and think of him or things, that just make your wound open again. You´ll see that someday you will feel that you don´t miss that person that much and that you are ready to find someone else.
the pain it never leaves you and its never ment too if you love some1 its forever time numbs it but a mention of a name or a smell or a place can bring it back u just have to remember that with out the pain the love u feel from otheres would not be felt as greatly as its is life looks simple but it isnt just hang in there.
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