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UPDATE : 25 september – We Broke up 2 week ago= Now I am heart broken, he sound so emotionless When I said, I am living you….. He still not decided, I haven’t call hem, see hem, just … just here at home criying getting better, now i am focus on going back to school, I love to study! make me feel full of happiness when i think i am going back to school, not married, but new projects to come….
I still miss my ex… but the idea that are so many new things to come , bring an smile to my face.
I think 5 years is long enough for a man to know if he wants to marry you. And long enough for you to wait for the kind of commitment you need.
If you love something, set it free; if it comes back, it is yours.
I think you need to dump him. What he does next will be an indication to you of the level of his commitment.
I think is what I am going to do, I am going to sit, try to listend to he’s concerns, if still… he answer.. I don’t know as always….
set it free; if it comes back, it is mine.
by the way we break up one time long time ago, & he came back crying, went to my house & again ask my mom permition to date me, so I do not know what is wrong with hem.
I even toll hem that if a prenup is need it is ok, since I am not planning on divorce hem ever.
carrie2468 is taking a writing class
I agree. Years ago, I had a boyfriend like this. I told him to marry me or we’d break up. Well, we broke up and I am SO glad we did because I met someone new and now I have been married to this wonderful man for 16 years.
three levels down?
i need a little more info about your situation. like how old are you and your boyfriend. why do you want to get married so bad? i met my husband when i was 19. we dated for 4yrs. i too had a “either shit or get off the pot” attitude. we decided to get off the pot. we broke up for about 2 yrs. when we got back together i was not really pushing for marriage, i learned in the 2 yrs that we weren’t together that i could take or leave marriage. it doesn’t define me as a person, i am who i am because of me, not because i am married. anyway, after about a year he proposed because we were ready. i think that if i married him when we were together before we would be divorced or in marriage counselling. all i’m saying is don’t look at it as you have to be married because you have been together for 11/2 yrs, get married because you can’t live without him and he can’t live without you.
I want to share my life with hem, have a family & baby. I love hem & he says the same thing back. but he is commitmentphobic I guess…
I am 24 he is 39 , but I really never had issues with the age, he is always adorable.
I Think you are doing the right thing if you he is suppose to be so into you. He should be able to commit give him a deadline and if he can’t commit by that deadline than it will be next.
Okay, first off I think that you should calm down and breath. This situation can be very over exhausting it seems. I have learned that it is way easier for some one else to ttell you what to do then for you to actually act out on it. I have been in your shoes and I learned that the more I pressured him or spoke on it the more afraid he became. By the third year I was ready, but I let other people interfere and it seem to make things worse. After that, I learned just to take my time and deal with my relationship. After a while he finally came to me and talked about why, he was so afraid. It was well worth listening to. It turns out that he wanted to give me the world and was afraid that he could not give it to me. I had to tell him that I didn’t want the world, I just wanted us to together. the rest we could work on all of our lives together. It took along time, but it took us 6 years and I happy to say that we are now married. WE were married July 21, 2007. I hope this helps if not let me know, I’ll see what else might help with this situation. But Good Luck and I wish you the best at whatever you choose to do.:)
I’d move in with him for a while, and see how that goes. Essentially, living with something is what married life is like – and it can be a lot easier to like/love someone when you don’t live with them.
I wouldn’t be pushing for a wedding, though. A wedding is just one very expensive day. The marriage is the important part. Once he sees what defacto life is like, he might warm up to married life.
i am not moving, in. to me marriage or miving in os not a trial period, he should feel if he love’s me or not, I wornt move in to be “tryed” before purchase , I am very old fashioned this doesn’t go with me.
Go with your gut feeling on this one. If he is not ready, you do not want to force him, it will only complicate things in the long run. I dont think you should end things with him, but I wouldn’t move in with him either. Just give it some time and you two will either realize that you want to get married or that it is just not what the both of you want. And both of you have to want the same thing or it will not work. Hang in there and never back down on your personal beliefs.
Exactly Its what I did, I talk to hem yesterday, (sadly I cryed) . I told hem , I am not sure if he wants the same thing, but stil he says he love’s me & wat to be with me & marry me but he is afraid of commintment, so I told hem I’ll give hem he’s space (So i can breathe too..) & later on talk , if he can’t figure out, I won’t play his therapyst either. I’ll just move on. I told hem Still I will have a goog feeling about the relationship, if I stay I know he’s doubts WILL break my heart, yesterday he was so stressed witht he topic, he hit me in the hand when I try to caress he’s face. to me is clear to step back. he is freaking stressed.
25 september – We Broke up 2 week ago= Now I am heart broken, he sound so emotionless When I said, I am living you….. He still not decided, I haven’t call hem, see hem, just … just here at home criying getting better, now i am focus on going back to school, I love to study! make me feel full of happiness when i think i am going back to school, not married, but new projects to come….
I still miss my ex… but the idea that are so many new things to come , bring an smile to my face.
hi, i am very impressed on ur positive steps.. see frnd i am ready to be ur frnd.. if ur interested, u can feel free to mail me.. firstname.lastname@example.org
i am anil frm india…
2 levels down?
You don’t. Only marry someone who really really really wants to marry you. Also, you seem young – remember, marriage is supposed to be a lifelong thing. If you marry him now (and you aren’t sure) you could end up with a costly divorce.
I can tell you about costly divorces. I married young and then got a good job. My husband was not good to me and when I divorced him I lost a BUNCH of money.
So, my advice is to make sure you want to marry this guy. If he can’t decide – for me, that would settle my mind. He doesn’t want a life with you that bad if he’s hesitating.
thank you,! I can’t loose money…because I do not have it, he’m either. so no one can say is for money issues I even offer a prenup.
When I was still dating I always had this little motto “two years. no proposal in two year I’m out. sh*t or get off the pot.” I guess in a way I followed that because I did end up meeting someone and getting engaged before our two year anniversary * and I was just like you * very antsy after about 1 1/2 yrs and wondering why he hadn’t asked me. Esp. since we had been living together for over 8mos at that point and I was doing all those things you mentioned—cooking, cleaning, etc.
Some of my friends said “I told you not to move in with him! why buy the cow if you get the milk for free!” but I just didnt think my man was like that. So one day I talked to him about it – why we weren’t engaged and he expressed his concerns, I expressed mine and we were able to work on each of our concerns. Got engaged shortly thereafter and married three months after that! We’ve been married for almost two years now.
My best advice though is not to get married b/c you’re worried this is your chance and if it doesn’t happen you’ll be a cat lady b/c 1 in 2 marriages fail! so you could end up a divorced cat lady! Make sure this is really what you want too—-and you’re not just moving with the motion b/c you think its the “logical next step.” Before I got married I was engaged once before – to clearly the wrong person…and almost made a BIG mistake! We were together for 3yrs and it seemed like we SHOULD get married and then I realized you should never do anything you must want it…
thank you to all of you for your answers, I did gave hem a date about 3 months ago, its on 15 september, to know if he sees me next to hem in future,I told hem I still give hem a frame of time to feel comfortable & propose. he doesn’t help in the kitchen, but help trying to keep hi’s place in order. he like to practice Salsa Dancing as a hobby, I started lessons to dance with hem, I let hem go out without me , & he know I give hem all the freedom he needs, that’s one reason I fall in love for hem.
he says he doesn’t know why he is so afraid to commitment. When I ask him what is wrong, if I can do something for hem? its always the same. I don’t know.
he is clueless. I am not really giving hem, like an ultimatum, but I really need to know If I am not dreaming alone.
P.S. I am VERY old fashioned , I can’t move in, my mother is widow, & I live out of the US. I can’t just left my life behind in my country “to move in” and live as ilegal for a time, until he marry me! of course he knows this.
Also one time I told hem I may be pregnant,& he was so Happy!!! like u can’t believe it!!! he even gave a name to my belly!
BUt he doesn’t know if he wants to marry! – & I do not want to come pregnant before my wedding, that is just not me, but I am surprise of he’s reactions, even he’s sister suggest profesional help, may help to see why he have such a hard time commiting to anything.
I knew my husband for 3 months before I proposed. He excepted and that was that. It’s been a year, a hard year but we still see each other on our off days. Why don’t you ask him buy a ring and go for it. shock might work.
already did…. I even told hem he don’t need to buy an expensive one :(
How in love is he with you. Have you asked him. I read that you let him go a time or too. Do you like being strung along? I can see beening played for slow for a while but sooner or later you’ll start looking foe someone that will love and commit to you. Has he been faithful?
yes, he’s been really good to me , & faithfull, never anything that I had to complain, when we break up, he sayd was because he was afraid of hes feeling towards me & he was difficult to commit. he’s family told me how much he miss me & how he cryed, he never remove my pics from he’s house, or my clothes, everything was on the usual place. he went to my home & again ask to my mom 4 permition to date me, nothing unusual, i know all he’s friends… i do not know why he is so afraid!
Be specific. Say something like “I love you so much you are breaking my heart piece by piece. Propose by December 31st or I will end things and you will never see me again”....that approach always worked with me.
already did months ago! 15 sep .. He still thinking…. OO
I am sure you love him, but what do you think you need to do?
honestly , nothing.
I can do nothing. If he is not sure for wherever reason , I’ll just move on… T_T I can’t keep it this way, its going to hurt me more if I stay to a guy can’t commit.
So you know your answer. You are not doing nothing you are moving on with your life which is something.
I’ve been married for just over a year and we were together for 8 years before we actually got married.
My personal feeling is that it’s very difficult to know if you are ready to make a life long commitment to someone if you have not lived with them. I lived with my wife for 5 years before we married and it’s true to say that by the time we decided to tie the knot, we were in no doubt that it was the right decision.
People differ obviously and a lot may depend on your views on marriage, but I would suggest a next to be trying out living together. For a lot of people, this is a big commitment in itself and if he would like to do that, then it’s a step forward. It also gives you time to really get to know each other. After that, you can decide whether or not the relationship has a long term future.
Best wishes for the future,
we been on long vacation together day & night. I have spend long 5 days in arow at his place,... by now he has a clue I guess…
I guess what I’m saying is that you get to know each other when you deal with day to day life. Vacations and the occasional long days together is not the same as dealing with all the things you share in married life like chores, shopping, money and bills.
I’m also talking a lot about you learning about him here as much as the other way round.
occasional?? I go to his house EVERY WEEKEND for the last 1.5 yrs & stay at hes place for 3 + days in arow, I go from my country to the usa, wait hours on border crossing, inmigration, airport every weekend!!
I go Shopping with hem 4 grocery’s , actually I am responsible for he’s food, bcuz I am the one who cooks for he’s week lunch to go 4 work. I always scrub he’s back on the shower,I go to PEEE with hem, LITERALLY he call me on the phone just to tell me he is doing “pooo pooo” on the toilet. I had take care of hem on illness, feed hem, rub, care 4 hem, I am deadly serious!!! more that that impossible!!
Not to be rude, but you’re sounding like you act more like his mother than his “fiancée”... It might be that he just wants someone to look after him – is that really what you want in a marriage?
I am not sure….. but he says he loves me because of my company, that for hem marriage is like death….maybe I never tough of that..??
That’s a very strong statement on his part. Seriously, I’d give up on marrying that one. Either continue as you are, or leave him, because it doesn’t sound like either of you will change your positions on the matter.
What you really need to do is ask yourself if you want to “get married” or you want to be with this person for the rest of your life. Communicate what this “next step” is because it seems he wants to be with you but he’s not ready to get married yet. The best thing for the both of you is to listen to each other’s wants and needs and respect that. You can’t change each other’s minds though you can adapt to each other’s needs. If neither of you can’t then at least you know, right?
Getting married should be a natural next step when BOTH of you are ready. When you are ready for that next step, then it’s hard work of commitment in marriage. It’s not for everyone but do not do it because of pressure or time constraints.
Be careful if living together. It’s very easy to get comfortable and play house without marriage so let that be known before you commit to moving in together what both of your intentions are!
OH! Ha, what I meant was that you two have to make sure of each others intentions and be clear. The wedding is only the first step of marriage. From what I gather “next step” can mean anything! You might think the next step is building your lives together, marriage preparations etc…while he might say the next step is eating dinner together or washing your laundry together…lol! The most important thing is that if you want to be together then you will be…in a relationship for years, engaged, married…
Cal is looking forward with joy and apprehension.
I can not make anyone do anything. It took me a long time to figure that out. If I am uncomfortable with a relationship it is up to me to change it, not the other person. If you are unsatisfied with the relationship that you and your boyfriend have, you can only change your actions or location.
wait…. you clean and cook for him and you guys don’t even live together? drop him, you can do better…. hell, I’m married and HE does all the cooking, we share the cleaning, and he takes care of the kid and I make the bulk of the money.
I understand that you love him, but he’s not doing what he needs to as a partner right now. Even if you got married do you think that would change? No.
I lived with my boyfriend for 3 or 4 years before we got married, and we were only engaged for about a year before we got married. I refused to be the sort of person who was engaged to their boyfriend for 6 years. Once the two of you decide to get married you MUST set a date (or at least a month and a year) and don’t take over like 2 years to do the deed. Get it done before either of you chicken out LOL
bluesmiester is looking for work
Lots of good advice in the answers that preceded mine so I am going repeat a few things from my prespective.
Do NOT get married for any other reason that both of want to stay together as a married couple. Being in a bad marriage makes being a cat lady look (or in my case – old guy alone with with a dog) like a dream come true.
Being married means that you are willing take an most of the legal and all of the finacial things of your partner. Are you really ready to do this for someone that is not ready to do this for you?
You cook and clean and pay expenses ….
For him? does he return the favor in anything approaching equality?
Or does it seem that you are a lot more for him than he is for you?
It is easy to let a good thing for you that is unfair to someone else keep going if the other person allows it.
He is afraid to get married …
What about marriage frightens him?
In fact I would ask him that very question.
If he is afraid of the commitment I would wonder if the means he is not commited to you now.
If he is afraid of “losing his freedom” I would want to know what he thinks he is allowed to do now that being married would not allow.
I figure that there is very little (as in ZERO) that he could do but not do if married.
Th only difference are the legal issues because the only real difference is the legal status of married and not married.
Have faith in yourself. If this one is not the right guy a bad marriage won’t make it any better. I found my wife 10 years ago I was 42 then and she was 33.
She has survived a bad marriage and was reluctant to risk it again.
I thank the lord she accepted me.
But I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. It hasn’t always been easy but things are very good right now. This is with two people that had no doubts it was the right thing for them.
If there is any doubt do NOT do it.
And just for the record …
we both work … she is disabled so I do most of the cooking and cleaning.
It pains to me to hear someone say they really want to get married for no other reason than to be married. There is so much more and so many things to consider before taking this plunge.
If what you want is to get married right now and your boyfriend does not, he’s clearly not right for you.
But you also have to ask yourself why you want to get married so bad. There’s nothing wrong with living together first, unless you’re ethically opposed to something like that. Especially when you’re really young, it’s an important first step in testing the relationship. If living together is really hard, you’re not ready to get married.
You shouldn’t give a person an ultimatum, though, unless you’ve actually been together for years, having been living together as well, and the other person talks about it but won’t follow through. At that point I’d tell them to get lost.
Break Up with him. If it is meant to be, it shouldn’t have to be forced. You need to move on with your life and stop dragging it on. It will be hard at first, but you will get though. For more help read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”by Greg Behrendt. Of course, this is only my opinion and you ultimately have to do what is right for you. It sounds to me that he doesn’t really love you and he is using you. You deserve better.
thats what I told hem, Any answer to me is a good answer, just say anything! anything that we can work, we worked, i wont be angry , even if u say u do not want to marry me is ok! – I’ll thank u 4 the good times & not wasting my time so I can look for someone right 4 me, but he still says… I don’t know…
so I told hem, by the due date if u still don’t know , I have the right to move on. I cant stay with you if you do not know!
Living together is a poor sham of what wonderful things await you as a married couple. If your boyfriend isn’t willing to commit, you should not place your faith and the hopes of your future happiness in his hands. He does not want the responsibility.
Finish it. Break up. A real man isn’t scared of committment.
I don’t regret marring my husband. He started out our relationship unemployeed, and stayed that way for a year he is just starting back to work. I have ben single all of my life so I was use to paying my own bills.
Maybe you should just live together, it’s just paper work any way. THe bond is there the union is there. GOG BLESS.
I am married for 12 years to a wonderful wife and I have 3 beautiful children. A key point for you to understand is that getting married, while done out of love, is a LIFE DECISION. That means you should be led not only by your heart, but by your head.
Lets look at the facts:
1. You have dated this man for a time period (1.5 years) that is sufficient for him to know whether or not you are the type of person he wants to spend his life with.
2. You have expressed to him that you love him and that you have purposed in your heart and mind to make a life long COMMITMENT to him in marriage (living together under the legal sanction of marriage, making a home together, uniting your finances and futures and having children which you will raise together – thats what marriage means).
3. Despite your clear communication, despite the time you have spent together, he says he is unsure, that he is afraid of commitment.
4. He is however perfectly happy to sleep with you and risk making a child when he has made no commitment to the mother. He is happy to have you cook and clean after him. He likes the idea of moving in together where he would get all the benefits of marriage without having to give anything in return. There is no commitment to live with a woman, sleep with her, have her take care of you like she was a wife when you can decide to leave whenever you like with no consequence and in addition, risk having a child without any commitment to making a family for it.
Those are the facts. Here is my advice.
1. STOP sleeping with him. Immediately. You risk getting pregnant by a man who has made no commitment to you and who has done nothing to give you any confidence that he would do the right thing by you if you did become pregnant. If you become pregnant and have a child, you will be the one who bears the responsibility for it, not him, based on what he has shown so far. On a related note, under no circumstances should you move in with him. I know others have commented that people should live together before getting married to see if their compatible. I believe that approach to both morally and factually wrong. Research the stats. Couples who live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce than those who do not, if they get married at all. Its a fact. Furthermore, to be blunt about it, it makes you little more than an unpaid prostitute. Your man is happy to have you lay down for him, cook and clean, but he only wants to call you his woman, not his wife? Its a great deal for us guys, because when we get tired of you, we can go find someone else to fill our needs. There is no dignity in that. Its a fool’s deal. I’m happy for those who commented that it worked out for them, but I assure you they are the minority.
Don’t do it under any circumstances. A man wants wife benefits, he gets a wife, not a live in girlfriend.
2. Discontinue the relationship. You have dated long enough. You’ve slept with this man (which let me be clear I believe is a mistake). You are clear that you are ready and want a commitment. He has made it equally clear he is not ready, or at least he is not ready for it with you. If the purpose of spending the last 1.5 years of YOUR life with him was to determine if he was marriage material, a potential life partner, you have your answer. He is not.
When I thought about it and decided that I loved my wife, that she was the one, getting married was a no brainer. When a man loves a woman and DECIDES that his life is not complete without her, he does what is necessary to make sure that that woman is not going to get away from him. Its not an emotion, its a decision. And its a decision he has made. He has said no to marriage. Saying he’s afraid, or he’s not sure, thats actually irrelevant. Those are all just different ways of saying “No, I don’t want to marry YOU”. Because you should be clear, he is not saying that he never wants to get married to anyone, he is saying that he does not want to marry you.
You have given him 1.5 years of time with you for him to know whether or not you are the one. He’s not ready to commit to you for life. Move on. Because to stay in this any longer after he has told you he is not ready is to waste the valuable days of your life. It does not matter why he is not ready. He’s not ready. If you know that you are dating because you want to find a life partner and build a life together, thats a good thing to know and a beautiful thing to do. Thats not where he is at.
So simply tell him that you have spent this time with him to develop a basis for marriage. You’ve discussed it and he has made it clear he is not ready to give you a ring and a date (thats the standard you should have for a proposal from him or anyone else, a ring AND a date). Based on that, YOU are ending the relationship with him because you want to be married and he does not. Therefore you are going to move on so that you can find a relationship with someone who does want to get married. Simple as that. You don’t have to cry, you don’t have to be angry with him, you don’t have to have a big thing. Go out for coffee and just tell him thats what you’ve decided to do and that you wish him well, but if he is not sure after 1.5 years of dating and sleeping with you that you are the one, well, thats all the time you’re prepared to give the relationship. Thats fair, its reasonable and its the smart move. I know your heart may be aching, but use your head.
You’re young, you have time to build a relationship with someone who is ready for being a grownup and will propose to you when they want to live with you, not suggest that now we should play house by living together. Thats not being a grownup, as trendy as it may have become.
As hard as it may be, it could be the case that God has a greater blessing in store for you. Perhaps a man who will really be the right man for you is still to come, but you’ll never meet him if you waste time in a relationship with a man who claims he loves you, but is “unsure” and “afraid” to marry you. Man to man, thats all a bunch of BS. Either he wants to marry YOU or he does not. Its a DECISION, not an emotion.
He’s DECIDED he does not want to marry you. Because he’s “unsure” he DECIDED not to marry you. Because he is “afraid”, he DECIDED not to marry you. Making a commitment is a decision, not a feeling. Its an action, not an emotion. Its about what he is going to do since he claims he loves you.
Thats my opinion. I give you the same advice I would give my own daughter, out of concern and care for your feelings, your life and what is best for you. Its the advice of a man with a decade plus of marriage experience behind him and who regards marriage as important, sacred and worthwhile. I wish you only the best.
You are totally right. I talk to hem last weekend, we had a disagreement over marriage, he beileves marriage is the end of things i believe is the start. he was REALLY stress over the topic. I was picking up a plate from the table (he had a sandwich) & I caress he’s face & he hit me on the hand. he apologize & all that. but i was afraid of he’s reaction, I did not sleep w- hem this weekend & I told hem why, he say was just playing & that I pinch hes face instead of a caress, but i explain i was trying to caress, that he asumed was a pinch. anyway.
He toldme that by this wensday he want it me to do laundry, I won’t do it.
I told hem if he wants to play wife, he should be able to play husband.
I am totally following your advice.
I proposed to my husband, but I already knew we were both ready & he was planning to propose.
There’s lot’s of advice on here… I know I read something that said you can’t force him into it & that is true. Communication is the big key.
Most people I’ve known/talked to talked about marriage before one proposed. There’s no relationship if there’s no honesty. Find out what makes him afraid to commit… if that is the case. Is he afraid he won’t make a good husband or father? Reassure him that you think he’s ready for that roll, but if you really love him, you’ll also reassure him that you’ll wait until he is ready.
Sorry if this is mostly repeat from the stuff above! :)
Best of luck!
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