Amanda Riley

To record my personal growth. I want to write an entry every single day. So far I’ve been doing it but it’s only Day 3. 21 months ago

So yeah, today was only my fourth day at the front desk of that office by myself. But I feel totally changed with regards to social anxiety. It was like all I needed was to be around people and forced into a situation where I had a responsibility to talk to them.

I used to be scared even to talk on the phone. And on the first day, I didn’t want to call people if someone was there to meet with them, if a package came for them, or if I needed to ask them if they wanted to take a call. But now I do it all the time and I’m not even afraid of it. I realized it was because when I started, I wasn’t sure what words to say to people and I would get panicky, but now when I’m not sure about something I just say it and no panic.

I also had to learn to deal with difficult people… because there’s one employee who is always outside smoking and she never returns calls. So I get all the disgruntled people who repeatedly call her. But I just try to see where the person is coming from and be honest with them, that she is not in her office and they should try back later because I’m not part of the department and I can’t help them. Then they calm down.

Finally, everyone who walks through the doors (employees, customers, etc.) always say hi to me and I’m getting used to it. Now I’m the first one to say hi (as I should be for the job I guess, but it was hard at first). And I know it doesn’t just apply to the job, because today I went for a walk and I was the first one to say hi to my neighbors outside too. I usually keep my head down but this time I didn’t. I don’t feel awkward anymore. I hope that this is a permanent change, because if it is, I can totally mark this goal finished. 21 months ago

1.) My professor told the secretary in the psychology department that I’m at the “top of the crop” and I get my own project in his lab this year

2.) I’m going to be learning new things in school which outweighs the negative aspects and hardships of getting there

3.) I’m finally starting to get over my ex-boyfriend since he moved to Florida (1000 miles)

4.) I really do have a lot of freedom to do whatever I want right now

5.) My motivation to do things is improving, so I’ve been eating healthier and exercising more

6.) I’m getting a week of peace from my sister’s boyfriend since she’s on vacation

7.) I have Netflix again so I can watch funny shows and movies as well as documentaries

8.) I don’t have a lot of specifics but I’m starting to see that the world is open to me.

I really think this is my thinking that’s changing because nothing in my life has really changed, except I got a 1-week receptionist gig that I’m in the middle of. And I don’t have my troubled relationship hanging over my head anymore. 21 months ago

So I follow this website called Good.is (It’s the website of a design magazine, and I’m not a designer, but I like their personality/opinions.) And they started doing one challenge every month, and for August, the challenge is “unplug after 8.” It’s not like it sounds, though, it’s just about not using the internet after 8 pm (cell phones, computers, etc.) Well, I did it on the first night and then forgot about it until last night. But let me tell you, it helped me!

It was actually easier than I thought once I committed myself (I find that with a lot of things actually). I didn’t get anything done or anything… but I went to bed early! Maybe tonight I will get something done since I won’t be as tired.

This is a hard goal because, as long as I have no money to have a life, the internet is the only exciting thing to do (trust me, there is a lot of excitement to be found). And if I HAD a life, like some friends and some hobbies outside the house, I know I would barely be on the internet. But eh, it’ll be different once school starts. Also, there are quite a few things in the house that I could be doing with my time that are more productive. My room is begging to be cleaned (and I got a dust mask so no excuses). I’d love to improve at guitar, and there are several books I’ve been dying to read/finish. In fact, I also have a working telephone that I can use to communicate with people without typing anything at all! So if I stick to this 8 pm thing for a while, I might extend it to other hours as well. 21 months ago

I feel like I am actually getting over my problems. I really only have a problem with people in my house, as I’ve said before, but I’m starting to think I really do just hate the invasion of my privacy… So it’s not some anxiety problem that needs to be fixed; it’s just a natural need for privacy and alone time that I feel other people need to respect. Obviously they aren’t going to until I get my own place where I have a say in what goes on there, but I mean some deep breathing exercises will have to do until then.

Anyway, I’m temping as a receptionist for a couple weeks. I’m making pretty good money. But I’m also being forced to engage socially. I have to say hi to everyone who walks in the door and be friendly on the phone too. People like me. I’m really not that bad once I get into it. I’m way better than my mom, who also works at that office. I guess I learned my avoidant behavior from her, but I must have also learned and/or inherited normal social behavior from my dad. He’s super outgoing, persuasive and likeable. I used to act much more like my mom, but when I force myself to act outgoing, it comes naturally and it’s not as hard as I expect it to be. I don’t know if all socially anxious people are that way or not. I mean, I’m still an awkward person around people who don’t know me well because I don’t always know how to act properly, but I’ve been embracing that so I can joke about it and ask lots of questions. People don’t care. 21 months ago

Yeah, a while back I was obsessed with lucid dreaming and determined to do it, so I started doing all those cues. Well, I don’t remember what they were except the one that worked, which was checking your watch at regular intervals throughout the day, looking away and then looking back again. The thing is, you will continue to do it in your dreams! And in dreams, if you look at the clock once, look away and then look again, it won’t look the same! So this one time, I was having a dream that my grandmother died, and there was a digital clock, and I looked at it and it said one time… then I looked back at it and the lines making up the numbers were all jumbled up. But then I thought, “Wow, I just realized I’m dreaming!!” and I woke up… haha. Then I felt like I accomplished the goal so I stopped doing the watch thing. 22 months ago

If you have the opportunity to carpool or use mass transit, DO IT. Cars are way too much of a responsibility, there are so many things you have to keep checking. The last one I had broke and I couldn’t afford to get it fixed.

If you don’t drive, you get to do whatever you want on your commute instead of having to focus on the road. And you save money, and you help the environment. 22 months ago

I am not eating healthy and I’m not feeling good. This is because I don’t know how to cook and I’m too lazy to learn. But I don’t want to be anymore. I want to start eating a balanced diet and feeling satisfied with what I eat (without having to resort to high-carb, high-sugar meals just because they are convenient).

While I still have a month before school is starting, I’m going to commit myself to cooking three meals a day. Setbacks are okay, but that is the goal. I’m going to cook whatever I feel like eating. And if I need an ingredient, I will go out and get it. Well, we’ll see how this works. Tomorrow I am not going to allow myself to use the internet, watch TV or do anything else unless I cook myself a nice breakfast first. 22 months ago

Oh… yeah, that sounds like you might not be getting enough calories. Vegetables are not a lot of calories, but if you were eating a lot of beans, fruits and whole grains, you should be managing well enough. So try to focus on those more bulky foods.

Also, it’s okay to miss meat, especially in the beginning, because we’re so used to eating it. You should see about trying some meat/dairy analogues like soy burgers, hot dogs, etc. If you don’t want to, you can also experiment with your own. Some of my favorites are meatballs (using beans or eggplant), chickpea patties, macaroni and nutritional yeast “cheese,” (or Daiya—Daiya is the best) and baked/BBQ tofu. I also really like tempeh in any form, but especially pan-fried with soy sauce. I can give you specific recipes if you want! 22 months ago

What are you having trouble with specifically? Like what are you having trouble avoiding or what nutrient are you having trouble getting? I can probably help as I’ve been vegan for 3+ years. 22 months ago

Cats (before it got canceled obviously), Rent, and Hairspray… I might have seen Annie and Chicago. Annie may have been off-Broadway and Chicago, I may just be recalling the movie, which I’ve seen loads of times, haha. 22 months ago

1) I got a temporary secretary job from my mom’s office
2) My friend has invited me to visit her soon in one of my favorite cities (and cook for me!)
3) I am getting a tutoring job
4) I got to bond with my little cousin a bit today
5) Teen Nick is showing All That! and other nostalgic shows on weekday late nights/early mornings
6) I got to travel to Warped Tour with my friend last weekend with a press pass, and got to film some band interviews
7) I have a car, some extra money, and a month left of summer, so I can do anything I want
8) One of my idols said he will check out my nonprofit when I start it up
9) I got three vegan bumper stickers
10) At Warped Tour I got a magazine from an art/activism group that closely aligns with my ideals

I will write more later! 22 months ago

That’s good to know that you don’t feel as bad as you used to. I’m not sure how I would be as a mother when my kids’ friends came over. I imagine it would make me uncomfortable, but I’m not sure, since they would be so much younger than I am. Right now, there really isn’t anyone young enough to be my kid and old enough to reject me, haha. 22 months ago

Thanks for writing these two comments. Don’t worry about barging in, I think most of us don’t personally know the people we comment on; it’s nice to have support from total strangers sometimes.

It is highly likely that I have Asperger’s… I came across it when I was in a self-help phase and met many of the criteria. Similarly, my mom once came across it when she was trying to help me make friends and she also thought it described me accurately. But even after researching it, it didn’t seem to help me that much. I can’t get over my feeling that I am “right” and everyone else is wrong. I just think, why should I (or anyone for that matter) have to act or be a certain way in order to make friends? So I go through phases where I struggle to make friends, and other phases where I willingly spend all my time alone and want nothing to do with anyone. It always seems to be a struggle!

Anyway, my problem is also that I know I don’t hate people. In fact, I am always dreaming about bringing people together and saving humanity. I just have this disabling anxiety that I can’t get past. Well, it’s not that I can’t, I guess. That’s why I have this goal. 22 months ago

I think you’re right, I am more anxious around people I perceive to be cooler or more attractive. I don’t really make fun of them or try to come up with flaws, though—I just don’t want them around me. I guess they’re different coping mechanisms for the same anxiety.

I do remember a few isolated incidents of rejection (though I was rejected almost universally by my peers up through high school)... a lot of times I was called ugly, or got my clothing made fun of. More often than not I was more invisible… I was excluded but people left me alone. And I still remember in kindergarten when I was the only one who didn’t get an invitation to this girl’s party… she acted like my friend sometimes, and picked on me other times. She had said, “You’re not invited to my birthday” and then when I got upset, she said, “No, I’m just kidding, you are,” but I never was. I don’t know how any of that relates to this, but yeah. 22 months ago

Wow, I think I have exactly the same thing as you! Actually my dad and my sister (only sibling) do not act like this around people, well my sister does it to an extent. But my mom has a VERY strong hatred of people, but hers is very obviously related to anxiety.

I definitely think it’s the aspect of intrusion, like I said before. And I think socializing isn’t as scary (or annoying or however we feel) when you feel like you’re in control of it and making a choice to do it.

and thanks :) 22 months ago