I’m afraid I’ve never been an optimist, though, so I can’t actually put any faith in the hope.
Thank you for having been my friend. Thank you for your honesty and support. I know you’ve struggled with many of the demons I’ve wrestled, and somehow knowing that it isn’t ONLY me makes it a bit more bearable.
If the site does close, I will miss you very much.
I will miss very very many people here very much. I’ve had more friends here than I’ve had in the whole rest of my life put together. More honest, caring, sweet, supportive interactions. More pure joy and humor. More kindness and understanding. More patience.
Having struggled (as you well know) with thoughts of suicide so many years (though not so much recently) somehow this feels like a punishment, or at least a test. Something about “so you thought death was no big deal? Let’s see how you deal with the death/cutting off of 43Things! Muwahahaa!!” Somehow it feels like a lesson about the value of life, and connection, and how it shouldn’t be wasted or thrown away.
It tears me up inside, it really does. I always thought dying would be no big deal, and if I were the one dying obviously it WOULDN’T be a big deal. Once dead, you have no feelings left to hurt. But I’m not dying, I’m the one being left alive and bereft of the love from here. It’s like being orphaned, with my whole family dying, but ME being left alive and lonely. I should be handling it better, but honestly inside I feel like a five year old, just crying and wailing and sad that nobody will be there for me anymore.
I suppose I could do more about that if I tried. I could make a popclogs account. I guess that’s what a lot of folks are doing. But somehow I can hardly bear that idea. It won’t be the same. Even if it were close to the same, how could I trust all this drama wouldn’t just happen again in a few years? I’m not good with this kind of abandonment. (Not by my friends, of course, but by the site.) It feels like I’m in a hurricane, and my whole town is being blown down.
I wish you the best, Zeroid. You have mattered to me, and I know you have mattered to many other people here. You never write much, but everything you say is always kind and full of a tender human spirit of compassion and connection. Whatever struggles you feel or face, you are a wonderful person who has still helped other people with THEIR struggles. I guess that makes you some kind of saint.
There’s a lot of saints here. But it may be about time for the band to play. I’m trying to face it with some modicum of strength, but if I don’t please forgive me.
When the Saints Go Marching In3 weeks ago