for three years now we have been going back and fourth. never actually committing to one another.
you can say that it is mostly my fault nothing ever stuck.
i was the one who always tried to come back, right?
i cant even begin to justify any of the times before now, but what i can say now is that i am trying to get something i cant have… that always seems to be an issue with me. especially with you. i want you until i can have you. then i move on when youre available and more than willing.
why do i keep coming back though? why?
i know i am only hurting you. i am technically wasting your time. i am lying to myself.
but then why am i even still trying to get what i cant have when i have been told it wont happen? why do i do this to myself? but really why do i do it to them?
i think its time to let go, move on, and start something new. 12 months ago
for three years now we have been going back and fourth. never actually committing to one another.
First and last. My first name has an S in it, not a Z… Unless specified for some reason…
And my last name really isn’t that complicated…
I just like when people are smart I guess. And pay attention. 14 months ago
Im rather proud of myself today… Relationships are made for two, but some bitches just don’t know how to count. And im usually that bitch. And as much as I listen to her unhappiness with her girlfriend I give her advice that will better their relationship. But that’s not why I am proud of myself… She spent the night last night, in my bed, and I didn’t try anything. Normally, especially cause it was her, I would have attempted anything, at least cuddled… But there are now boundaries and I am actually respecting her and her relationship choices…. 14 months ago
I am tired of sleeping by myself. I have Kitty, but there is always the chance I will wake up with pee on the bed or even better, on my shirt. Human affection, real and sincere, is needed in my life. And not just feelings from one side, but from both. Just the thought of that excites me, but I know it really is too good to be true. I meet a great, normal (this time she really is normal!) girl but I make myself appear at a literal drunk and even druggie which definitely ruins my chances. Why I do that to myself, I have no idea. At least I am not lying though, that is how I see it..
Whatever, all this girl really needs is her dog and computer. I am socially awkward anyways, lets just avoid all that bs together and live in peace… But thats not what I want, of course I want more so I keep doing this crazy same routine. Ugh. I will learn one day, I am sure. 14 months ago
i have become legit friends with AJ, and working on turing the relationship i have with Colleen into a legit friendship. its looking pretty good actually. and they are great friends. they really are. they were the only ones who took me out on and for my 21st birthday… if that doesnt say potential then i dont know what i am doing with my life. ha. 14 months ago
...or just date a photographer…cause then I can legit learn everything. like autofocus [; 14 months ago
67. Staying in bed literally all day with someone. Specifically in this case Hillary. Nothing was awkward. Everything felt right. There was no rush to get up or even stay awake. Anyone that lets me sleep in their bed all day with them is a star in my book.
68. Making the first move. I have noticed recently that as much of a wuss that I am, I always end up making the first move. I get it started, but that doesnt mean that I keep it going, ha. But its nice and comforting to know that through all the worry I put myself through about being social or alone with someone, I obviously have enough confidence to do something without questioning myself. 14 months ago
Just came back from a very crazy, and by crazy I mean it, trip from New York.
While there I was in Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx. Did I make it to Brooklyn? I honestly do not remember…. 15 months ago
I knew and I know what she writes is not about me. I am no where near anything like a lion at all. I have no mane! Though I am so sad, heartbroken almost, that those words arent for me….
“why bother be soft spoken when we could press hard against window panes and bed frames.”
i know i have had my time, i have had my words. technically i still have most of them, on the shelf. am i stupid for still reading them from time to time?
am i stupid for actually thinking that text was for me? that my plan was happening. it wasnt until now that i actually faced that fact that that was what i was actually trying to do. and now that i have made myself known to that, consciously, do i need to tell her that? it isnt right that i give her this attention under friendship terms. i cant let her think i can really live with her without expecting anything now… what perfect timing for my phone to have a delay..
but i know her, she wouldnt be associating back if something wasnt going to happen, right? i dont know. we are close friends now, it should be discussed. its not worth ruining the relationship.
i already know… its just not meant to be. 15 months ago
Finished watching a day in the life.
Had a nice day with Alison. Had a nice morning with her too.
Think im going to reflect this pasts months happenings over a nice chilled “water” bottle. I didn’t realize it had this much flavor. ;) 18 months ago
I never met her in person, but she saw a certain strength in me that I cant seem to find at times. I never was able to keep in contact with her, and I kind of regret that.
But it is a very nice necklace, and I was very undeserving of it.
It was probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.
The story behind the necklace is probably what makes me happy, really.
But, it means a lot to me now.
If only I could let her know. 19 months ago
While I am up in my room. He’s just strumming away. Not singing or anything. It’s nice to hear. I sometimes like to turn down my tv and see how long he will play for. It definitely makes me smile.
It doesnt happen as often as it should. 19 months ago
53. Having some ‘me’ time out and about, or just at home. With no interruptions.
54. My niece. She’s adorable, what can I say. And she is a little pistol. I love her!
55. My nephew. Only the cutest little thing ever. That kid has potential. I love him!
56. Gatorade. Its so delicious. And necessary.
57. Good smells. Especially when my car and room and clothes smell good. All the time. Mmmm.
58. Painting my nails. Making them different whenever I please, however I please. I feel pretty when they look nice.
59. My best friend Bunnie. She is great people to have around in your life. She literally is my
60. Watching the Golden Girls.. I’ll forever love that show. Go hate. haha
61. Kirby’s art. Especially when she gives me some of it. Even just the little dumb things, cause those are the ones I truly treasure. Yeah, those are really nice to look at.
62. Finally having the perfect playlist set up. I wont be hitting ‘next’ for a while, I’m sure. Thank you iPhone.
63. My three rings. One thumb, and two on right ring finger.
64. Reading a good story. Long or short. I like intensity. 19 months ago
been doing very bad at this..
just trying to fill up some time though, so i have been shopping like mad crazy.
it will stop.. soon.
yes. 19 months ago
its a comfort thing i have come to realize.. i think.
but i try to act like im not shy then it gets awkward.
sometimes i just get too excited so im not shy.
its crazy stupid.
yeah. need to work on this still.
social life, here i come. 19 months ago
Lets break this down.
Girls are attracted to me, yeah.
They only like me when they are drunk…
Now, I have draw this conclusion with the past 3 girls, but in actuality, all of the past girls with exception of one.
I dont even drink that often, so I guess that is why I have been so blind to this. But thats starting to change a little, and thats why I guess I have noticed this. And the patterns.
Ugh. I am definitely not proud of this. Who would be. I want someone to like me for me, when they are sober! Maybe I just need to meet people when they are sober. Then my chances would probably be way better. But.. me not being that social of a person doesnt help. Doesnt this just sound like a lovely circle?
Well at least now that I realized this, I wont fall for dumb hoes as easily. My wall definitely got rebuilt quick after some recent effects. But I am hoping I will be able to let it down again if the chance arises, or whatever.
But right now that doesnt matter. I dont need to start thinking ahead of myself.
I am starting to think that writing is actually more therapeutic than typing. With typing too many words come out too fast. I dont think my mind works at that pace yet.
Ah so much going on right now though. 19 months ago
taylor, i feel for you again. and i learned i couldnt tell you how i felt. so i allowed myself to get over you. then you wanted to know what was going on, so i told you and this gave me a little bit of hope back. i should have known better. too bad that only lasted for three days.
but thank goodness i didnt drop what i had developing with colleen.
so now for colleen. met her, hung out with her a few times. made a damn fool of myself, but things were still ok. tried to open up more last night, and it worked in my favor a little bit.
then her ex showed up today… while we were at her place. of course she didnt answer the door, but it was quite some time until she left.. so that just brings up a big issue with having her ex so involved still… like, i am not here to be played with. and now i am really regretting sending her that text a few minutes ago telling her that i like her…
it really does seem so pointless… ugh!!! i really did start to try. i am not really going to give up yet, but like this isnt a good sign..
i need Veronica. 20 months ago
maybe it would really be in my best interest if i kept my true feelings to myself.
it seems as though every time i tell someone my true feelings, its either too late or it doesnt really matter…
its really ridiculous. i do try, and i thought actions spoke louder than words, but i guess some people are really just too blind and need to be told straight to their face.
but of course, it never works out in my favor.
i just need to figure out how to respond to situations then if letting out my feelings if obviously the wrong thing to do. 20 months ago
according to some people, the most important people really, i’m too skinny.
thats not something that i am proud to hear in the least bit.
my weight does change often, but not too drastically.
but i am on the skinnier side for my height right now.. especially since i have started my gym program.
but, i kind of agree.
i think i should gain a little more weight. maybe i just need to change my diet.
this is definitely something i need to be paying more attention to. 20 months ago
the pictures taken of Loomis last night have been the best!!
oh he’s just amazing, and he’s getting use to the camera, and the flash.
same with my nephew, every time he sees someone pointing a camera at him now he smiles. he’s only one. but i’m so proud.
this goal has definitely been getting put into work lately.
...but now i just need to print the pictures… ughh. 20 months ago
i would go to the end of the world for you. 20 months ago
i drive by your house on a daily basis now.. and i kinda make sure its after youd be off work..
but of course youre never there.
everything has been getting to me.
im trying to think of what i could possibly say if you were even at your house.
but im starting to think you really dont live there anymore…
of all of the things that have come in my head to say to you i feel like you wouldnt respond to them well.
i really hope you dont marry her. is this really your dream? i will give you anything… i swear i will do anything to make you happy this time.
i really hate to come out of now where, without warning. but i couldnt stay away, i really cant fight this.
there isnt anyone comparable to you.
i hope you havent forgotten. thats all i have begged.
this really hurts.
i wish you knew.
time really flew by. i wish i could take it all back. i really do. i would take every single thing and time back.
for me, it isnt over.
you have my thoughts all jumbled. its really my fault, i know.
but if someone means this much to someone else, doesnt that mean something?
i think i know either way this isnt go to end well.. i cant accept that though until i try. 21 months ago
Since I haven’t had time to go to the gym lately since I have been dealing with family, I recently purchased a yoga mat so I can at least continue to work on my core and stuff in a room.
Not too bad I figured.
Im still trying. 21 months ago
i havent used negative words once.
so why does she keep crying?
i know this is a tough time for her, and no amount of words can heal her for a while, but i thought words were suppose to be powerful.
maybe i should be using better words.
i just hate seeing her like this. she didnt deserve any of this. i hope court goes well on Monday. since i will be going with her i better go look for those ‘better words’ now.
..i dont think i can stand to even look at john anymore. i just dont see him the same. 21 months ago
I read this book when it first came out, before his integrity was questioned as well, and it has been close to the top of my list of favourites ever since. 21 months ago
How I did it: I just started cutting. I knew how i didnt want my hair, but i didnt know what i wanted exactly. but i have confidence and i just went at it.
Who do I miss more than anything?
Who do I want more than ever?
... I know we already had our chance, and I realize our history is literally history and older than anything else I have had.
But I thought we made a promise? One bitch is all it takes for your to break your promise?
Then why do I still want you so much?
Because I know how great at everything, besides this, you actually are.
I have seen how much you have grown. How responsible you have gotten. To some degree.
There is no one that compares to you. To you looks, to your abilities.
Why do you allow yourself to be controlled by this bitch that isnt even totally faithful to you? This was only suppose to be a fling that lasted a few months at most. So why are you still with her?
Why have you allowed yourself to be happy, then miserable, then happy, then just settling when you do not have to??
Do you really not see that I am here, practically waiting for you?
You know how reliable I am, but I only do that for you.
I’m just hoping youll see one day.. she isnt right for you. But I am not saying I am right for your either.
I want to try again, I dont even know where you stand on that.
Much comment cant be made because you are with someone, but if we just pushed that aside, am I waiting for no reason?
I am seriously willing to do anything.
I have become so proud of you.
4 years doesnt seem like that long. But when we are dealing with what you had and did back then to now, it is such a huge difference. I am so proud of you for that. I know your past. I know your present. I am ok will all of it. I am more than ok with it.
How can I tell you all of this? How can I talk to you without interference?
So much of my thinking time has been taken up by you within the past couple of months. I cant keep doing that. I need to know if I have to get over you…again… Which I am sure will be the case because I honestly know you well enough to know that you are going to wait til the relationship with her gets to the worst to end it.
You start talking about her, and you sound happy, and that hurts me. I try to keep quiet on the phone. Then the more youre talking the more you start to complain and then I can tell she is texting you… needing to know what youre doing and such. I dont mind listening to you go on about the things you hate about your relationship. And its not because I’m hoping those will be the deal breakers, but because I just enjoy hearing your voice, talking about anything. And I know this is the only thing there will be time to talk about, because soon youll have to abruptly end our call to call her.. then who knows when the next time I hear from you again will be.
But whats new, right?
Youre happy, or at least content. I am here making myself miserable. When I could be with a few different girls of my choosing, but thats not who I want, so I cant and I wont fake that attraction in any manner.
I know what I want. But I just dont know if I can have it. If I can, I will wait. I wont intentionally break up the relationship. I can wait. But if thats not even close to an option, I need to know. I really cant be this alone anymore.
...I miss what we had, how we were. How you are.
I miss you. 21 months ago
First off- You can ‘Thank’ me all you want, but your head must be really up in the clouds if you think I am really trying to help you. Dont forget I’m not actually your sister here. [Thats something you never thought of, as you had no reason to]
I probably will never back you up ever again. I regret every time I ever did.
Youre going to need more than luck for now on, sir.
And aslo. Trust? As a whole I do not believe in such thing. Ever. When have I personally ever been completely God honest true to someone about everything?...[meaningful, I mean]
Ehhh, thats all. 21 months ago