Spark In The Dark

May not be taking it consistently enough to achieve former results. :/ 3 months ago

I have purchased Rosetta Stone and set aside time to practice every night for the past several weeks. It has been both challenging and fun. Making slooooow progress. 3 months ago

I just have to say that if you don’t already do this, you most absolutely should. And I don’t mean a few mere moments during the work week where you “imagine” that your obnoxious coworker’s head has turned into a big balloon that just keeps inflating and that will eventually pop. I mean setting aside time to actively use your imagination. To formulate plans, to set up visualizations, to goof off with friends (I have an amazing friend who “pretends” with me all the time), to frigging invent things!

Why did we forget how to do this?? First, it is SO MUCH FUN.

Second, keeping your mind actively engaged in constantly trying to create things keeps your mind more alert, more receptive to new information, and better able to problem-solve.

Of course the first reason is the main reason I continue to do it at all, but really. I know this sounds unbelievably hokey, and I honestly had to force myself for awhile before the behavior set in. But it’s probably one of the best things I’ve ever done if for no other reason than it has proved one of the easiest/most effective forms of stress relief I’ve ever tried. 3 months ago

Since I wrote the last entry, I made a brilliant new friend who totally made me fall in love with her (in a completely platonic way) and then got offered an amazing job in NYC and moved away. All in the space of a handful of months.

What I mean to say is… that I’ve made plans to visit her in July, and I can’t wait. I miss her so much! She was such a strong, positive force in my life. 3 months ago

... I totally don’t even really want to do this one. I like soda a lot. In fact, I could probably give up ANYTHING else.

I just feel like I should want to stop drinking it. 3 months ago

By literally taking almost the entire season of Winter off from 43 Things.

Good news is I’ve actually achieved some of what I said I would, and am still making progress on some of the other goals on this list. I guess some things just require ones undivided attention. 3 months ago

It’s not enough

I was invited to a party and drank a little bit and it was just a bad idea. I was already in kind of a crappy place emotionally. That plus the booze was like enough. Being depressed and taking depressants usually isn’t a great idea. I ended up barely saying a word the whole night.

One night, having the time of my life. The next night just sitting there in silence. Just. Blah. 8 months ago

Feeling cut off from everyone.

Is it normal to feel like I have to pay for my happiness with bouts of severe depression? Like I can have it, but need to keep in the back of my mind that it doesn’t come without a price?

Is it normal? 8 months ago

So this “beating depression” thing isn’t coming together as I’d hoped. I haven’t pulled up stakes here or abandoned my goals, I just withdraw for awhile and mope and cry and think and then come back.

Who IS this other person? There are two of us: the one who wholeheartedly believes everything is okay (or if it isn’t, it will be), and the other who believes all the things I so desperately desire will always be out of my reach.

I don’t need to be ridiculously happy all the time. I know that no one is. But I’ve been blindsided so many times with these feelings of hopelessness that I don’t know what to do but submit. It’s that terrifying moment when the wind has just been knocked out of you and you’re not sure if you’ll be able to catch your breath again. 8 months ago

to only allow certain people to chat with you. I have all but a handful of people blocked from chat. That way no one’s feelings are hurt and I only chat with people who don’t bug me. 9 months ago

It’s the difference between those rose colored lenses and the other ones that distort events. I think about that a lot.

I used to take medication, and the difference between who I was ON it versus who I am OFF of it was so great it had me questioning which one was the real me, which one was the “right” one.

Having been off of it for a year, I can still say that it has helped. It has put a lot in perspective. 10 months ago

Ted Nugent, MST3K “we should watch it together”, a good smoke break even though I don’t smoke, hot chicken, God Particle. 10 months ago

27. A nice dinner and a nice chat.

28. Got surprised by Lucy Thursday morning at work. Love her.

29. Singing songs at close, getting to leave a little early.

30. Having stayed up into the morning talking with my girls at a friend’s new apartment. Listening to Prince on vinyl. Reisling.

7.01. Hanging out with my sister. True Blood on the east side, pizza.

02. Good news, the car is fixed!

03. More sister hang-time, trying to make out the writing on a postcard dated 1949 (“attempeneh”?)Hearing from friends: “Sure do miss ya” – “You’re one of the reasons this city feels like home to me”

04. A celebration with friends. Fireworks, a walk around a crowded city block, seeing old friends (C, L’s sis), texting even older friends (B. B.), Smashing Pumpkins on the drive home. 10 months ago

Thanks. MST3K marathon! 10 months ago

For some reason, before I read this, that thought hadn’t occurred to me. We know it’s true, feelings change all the time. But it’s easy to get lost in a sad feeling and wonder if that is how it’s always going to feel. If you’ll ever find your way out.

That last line in particular helps to keep things in perspective. 10 months ago

entirely possible.

There’s a strong part of me that feels at home there. Denying my inner mermaid might be the cause of the discomfort. Thank you :) 10 months ago

.. don’t even know where to begin. Any suggestions? 10 months ago