Danadanadana

I have not had much success at making bread in the past, but I’m willing to try again. http://www.43things.com/things/view/4481790/make-bread-alligators 22 months ago

From what I have read online today, it looks like I actually might be better off next year if I do not work (very part time) this summer.

Because if I work and earn only a hundred dollars or so in a week, those weeks will be ‘worked’ weeks at a very low income and will reduce my EI payouts considerably for the entire next year.

That seems dumb. I guess I should phone and find out during the week. I’d rather work a bit than not. I don’t want to be completely bored for the next two months! 23 months ago

Got the symbol, location, and rough sketch. Here it is.

(Inspired by a group of 6-year-olds down the street who nabbed me for face painting this afternoon.) 23 months ago

Stagnation is a definite problem for me. I simply cannot handle it, it drives me bonkers to feel like I’m not making any progress, don’t have direction and purpose.

I believe that it a big part of why I was (am?) depressed for the past year or two.

However, at this point I am trying to reflect and figure out what lessons I can glean from this experience.

Perspective
Part of the problem is that I see things as stagnation/ wasting time/ just spinning my wheels, but in reality it might just be lack of patience on my part. Or unrealistic expectations, fear of failure and avoidance, etc., lack of commitment (until I am committed TO first)...

Automatic Reaction
At other times, when I had run out of ideas or inspiration, I have pursued work (or education) at the expense of any kind of personal/ romantic/social life. Since my mind is again tending to go in that direction (I guess it’s an odd sort of ‘escapism’?), I need to remain aware that – all the other times I have done something similar – it has not really solved the underlying problem (whatever that is!?).

Hermitizing
I do not feel social, I stay home most of the time. I don’t have any good friends here anymore. Or even activity partners, really. Except one of my roommates, but I don’t want to hang out with him too often or people might think we are a couple (small town), and I think he might be interested in me, so – no. Otherwise, I have a few acquaintances, but that’s it. Other than this guy I used to sleep with, but you know what? When I think on it, he’s actually more of an acquaintance than a friend as well. Sure he’d be offended if I told him that, but it’s still true. He doesn’t know me any better than anyone else does around here, he just thinks he does – or more accurately he already knows me as well as he wants to, which is not very well at all.

Anyway, I don’t go out because I don’t want to show up to events alone and be all awkward standing by myself, not talking to anyone. 23 months ago

I’ve got 2 little planter boxes – one for lettuce and one for parsley and cilantro.

I can’t wait to be able to go outside and graze on my green stuff! (It’ll take a couple months yet, though.)2 years ago

I need to ask Steph for a reference. Even though she decided not to hire me for a position this year, I need more references and I know she likes me, I just don’t have a specialized enough degree.

And she is moving on to another district, so I need to swallow my pride quickly and just ask her. (And I should probably ask her if she has any advice re: what would make me more employable in the field I want to go into. Might as well get some useful feedback, while I’m grovelling.) 23 months ago

in general order of appearance this season…)
Halibut
Dungeness Crab
(but no razor clams or other shellfish because of toxicity alert this summer)
Salmon
Salmonberries
Boletus
Strawberries
Huckleberries
Salal berries
Chanterelles 23 months ago

in other places – the far north, specifically. Waaaay up in the Arctic circle, on Victoria Island.

The pay is great, but it is in a tiny isolated village. No roads. Winter all school year. Dark all the time. Hmmm.

On the other hand, I have no close friends here, a not-really-existent relationship, a bit of a job, a bit of debt and I’m not seeing a lot of opportunities for growth here.

I can’t see myself staying there long term, maybe 1 or 2 years? Or if I can save a lot (like 40 grand a year?) maybe just stay there til I can afford a Master’s degree and a nice little house somewhere. After all, school’s only 10 months of the year. It would be nice to have money to, say, hang out in Paris and Munich for 2 months in summers.

The cost of living is ridiculous there of course, so it’s hard to guess how much I could save… $13 for milk does seem extreme, and so does $500/month for basic utilities, never mind rent!

But the one thing that I’m not sure I could handle is a whole year (well 10 months) without lettuce, spinach & other fresh veggies.

I think it would pay around $90,000, including the extra northern living allowance. 23 months ago

I went for a walk on an active logging road. Some sections had been logger this week, other sections about 10 years ago, judging from the regrowth. In a boggy area, surrounded by moss I happened to see a flash of pink. I don’t remember ever seeing these pretty flowers before, they reminded me of cherry blossoms, but the plant looked like labrador tea (except those have fuzzy leaves & white flowers with 5 thin petals). I had seen labrador tea during my walk as well.

Bog Laurel: Kalmia polifolia I do believe it’s toxic. Pretty though! 23 months ago

a koi, or an octopus (?) 23 months ago

This is hilarious… OK, here’s the goal I found . (Note that I do not have a first tattoo, but what kinda sissy would let that stop them?) 23 months ago

Hmm, not even sure I want a tattoo. Well, I will think about it. First of all where would I locate this tattoo?

NOT on my butt, NOT on my arm or shoulder, not on my lower back (I’m tall and my shirts sometimes are shorter than I’d like…)

So, I’m pilfering ideas from other people who have this goal, and one person has the idea to get a tattoo to mark a particular time/ event in their life 23 months ago

Let’s see what I find… 23 months ago

in Quebec. 23 months ago

it’s time to start looking forward in different locations. Something’s gotta change – and it needs to be something BIG. 23 months ago

feel like I’m not good enough. I know that’s BS logically, but seriously, I’m getting so tired of banging my head against a wall.

I’ve been avoiding playing politics and games, but it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. It’s nearly time to move on. I need to cast a wider net. 23 months ago

I am always trying to learn from my mistakes, but I think learning from other people’s mistakes is even better (because then you don’t have to deal with the setbacks, just gain the wisdom)! 23 months ago

or would that be the Bear Necessities?!

I just found my old read-along book and tape for my niece (4 years old). She loves the story and I can’t get the song out of my head. Used to be a favorite – and still is!

Yep, Baloo’s got it down! 23 months ago

with a man that values me, takes time to get to know me, and (equally importantly) to whom I am very attracted.

I am pretty good at finding excellent men who think I am fascinating, the trouble is that there’s only one man who I’m really attracted to and he doesn’t value me or want to get to know the real me.

I’ve met lots of good-looking, accomplished men. Why is it so hard for me to find someone I am attracted to then? It’s horrible!

My last relationship was 4 years with someone who did value and know & understand me. I tried to make it work, I really did – I was attracted to his mind and his personality, just not his physicality. But by the time 4 years had come and gone,I knew that wasn’t going to change. I wasn’t going to fall in love with him, though he was my best friend and I care about him. He deserves better.

I am so frustrated with myself. 23 months ago

on Friday, and it really didn’t go well.

The timing was horrible: I was stressed out, in pain and sleep-deprived, and not properly prepared.

I might have been better prepared if I hadn’t had such a crazy work-week (but to be perfectly honest, I might not have been properly prepared even under ideal circumstances). I hate behavioural interviews. Hate hate hate.

Of course I could hardly think of any “Specific examples of a time when…” my mind went blank. Yeah I have dealt effectively with all the situations they presented, but did any idea or example leap out at me to relate to the interviewers? Hell no.

So, unless I want to remain very underemployed, I guess I need to start keeping an end-of-week journal to record any situations I come across that would make good anecdotes for those types of questions. Then I can read through that before an interview and hopefully it will help. 23 months ago

that’s awesome :-P 23 months ago

“It will open up new things for you when you solve this.”

Ha – yeah, like a lot more peace of mind. Wouldn’t THAT be nice… 23 months ago

• 2 more cover letters – at least one will be easy (applied for a similar job last week)
• laundry and plan work outfits for the whole week (yay, a whole week of work coming up, but it’s out of town)
• empty the fridge as much as possible (don’t want to deal with rotten food when I get back!)
• take the garbage out early (ditto on dealing with stinky garbage next week!) 23 months ago

I have finally come to terms with the fact that if we can’t change this involvement to something more positive and growth-oriented, then I’m done.

I’m not even interested in sleeping with him again until / unless we can develop some kind of real relationship (and that would take a looong time). Otherwise, I’d rather be alone.

I was tested last night while we were at an event (we hadn’t gone there together or on a date, we both happened to be volunteering):

• He wanted to dance, I said I was just here as a volunteer, not a participant.
• Later, he wanted to go ‘fool around for a few minutes’. I just looked at him blankly.
• Then he mentioned that he wanted to go out to a bar afterward. I didn’t say anything.
• Then he said he would only be out for about an hour afterward and would be home later. I didn’t go over to his place.
• I left quickly as he was busy locking up the venue, so I could avoid any further attempts.

So I know I can stay away from him. BUT I also know that in order to be fair and respectful to him, I need to be straight with him – tell him what the problem is, and why I am not acting interested anymore. 23 months ago

Ugh. I would reeeeally prefer not to do this. Avoiding seems so much better. But it’s not fair of me to do – he doesn’t deserve that. And it doesn’t give me any sense of closure or satisfaction. Avoiding is just a weakness.

Edit: Well, he went and got himself a new girlfriend, so I guess he figured it out without getting his ‘closure’. Or maybe the fact that this beautiful girl kissed him and called him ‘Honey’ right in front of my face was actually closure for me!

Aaaaanyway, moving on. [So, does that mean I can cross this off the list? Cause I didn’t really do it, but it is effectively done.] 23 months ago