Ok, so I’m posting this after having successfully completed my first year of uni studying Civil Engineering and having spent the past month attempting (and failing) to find summer work.
I’m doing my best to keep going but it’s so difficult when application after application gets shot down. Lord knows how I’ve made it this far, although the constant pressure of competing with my classmates and other job applicants has no doubt made a substantial contribution, no matter how exhausting it may be.
Ironically my parents, my former source of motivation, are now the ones driving my thoughts towards suicide and other such acts. Every day when my dad returns from work he makes a point of lecturing me for up to an hour on how I should be out there knocking on doors and actually doing SOMEthing instead of hiding away at the computer.
I do feel like a douche though, being so self-obsessed and not taking the time to deal with people as often as I should have seriously isolated me and are probably both sizable factors in why I started feeling this way in the first place. I’m alone, and despite the huge changes and seemingly endless possibilities that uni brought, I don’t see that changing any time soon.
So, on the battle goes, the end seems almost in sight, but it could be mere wishful thinking. I’ll just have to keep fighting till something gives. 13 months ago
My uni experience so far has been a combination of stressful work deadlines (as I expected), sitting around watching tv/listening to music by myself, and alcohol-fuelled social gatherings (I’m getting better at these).
The housemate situation is driving me insane. Two of them move my stuff without asking, leave me bitchy notes instead of doing the grown-up thing…actually talking to me about things and avoid me as much as possible among other things. It takes all my willpower not to tear them a new one when I see them. The others are alright but often when I go out to clubs etc with one in particular (and a group obv) I’ll turn away for a second, turn back, and he’ll be making out with girls from his course, leaving me feeling like crap (which is normally when I slip out and go home alone, fists clenched etc the whole way).
But since this new term began I’ve sort of become part of a number of social groups which is really nice, I almost feel like I belong for once. When I go out with one group of people, I always see other friends there too. And of course the alcohol helps me to relax around people too :D .
So really it’s been a fairly typical uni experience (minus the rage). I’m starting to feel better and more confident within myself and I’m being more assertive too. A friend of mine is in the Christian Union so I’m planning to start going to that with her each week which will hopefully help me socialise further and strengthen my faith too. To anyone that’s bothered to read this far thankyou, and I’m sorry it’s such an essay, I just had to put my thoughts somewhere. 18 months ago
I increasingly seem to dwell on my past experiences, especially my screw-ups and get incredibly angry with myself over being so stupid and pathetic. I know there’s nothing I can do now to change the past and that all this self-hatred really isn’t constructive, yet I continue regardless. I guess it’s habitual, but try as I might to focus on my present and future, I can’t seeem to break free of the cycle: low moods/self-hatred, then a stupid/pathetic action, followed by reminiscence, which brings me back to low moods/self-hatred. Over the christmas holiday I’ll try to turn things around, I’ll improve my appearance and join clubs and try to find a girlfriend. Then I’ll have more confidence and fewer negative things to keep replaying in my head and torturing myself with. 21 months ago
What countries are you from and studying in then? 21 months ago
No Southampton, why? 21 months ago
Seriously, it’s like everything I try goes to hell and leaves me drowning. I’m still only part the way through my first semester and already I’m starting to have doubts about whether I can cope with all this. I’m out of optimism, motivation, and clean clothes, and I’ve barely begun the real work (which is already too much to handle). I’ve also looked at my timetable for next semester and it’s even more grim than my current timetable whilst other people seem to only have a fraction of what I’m having to do, which I guess is just my luck. I’ve got a full essay with all the referencing etc, which hasn’t been adequately explained to us, for monday. I’ve got 3 weeks left before christmas into which I’ve got to cram a frankly absurd amount of work into, and what do I get out of it? Just a third of my year’s total marks, towards a degree that I’m losing interest in with every passing lecture, just great. Maybe I’m just feeling a bit out of my depth because it’s all new to me and I’m feeling kind of isolated but if this is all university has in store for me, I’m not sure I want to be here. 21 months ago
Thanks, but I’m already beginning to wish I wasn’t here. I don’t know what I’d do instead but there’s already too much for me to do and not enough time to do it in. But c’est la vie I guess. 21 months ago
In addition to the above, you have to believe you can do it, I know how hard that sounds, and self-belief is often half the battle, but I believe you can do it so you should too. 21 months ago
I’ve had some really great moments here where I’ve been truly happy, most of them alcohol induced, but for the most part this has been pretty hard-going. I’ve yet to get used to looking after myself properly (I don’t always eat properly at weekends when I often lack the energy to go out to the shops etc), the workload’s increased exponentially faster than I can get a grip on it, and I’ve been home just once so far (compared to every few weeks like everyone else). I’ve really been making an effort to keep on top of my depression-related feelings by doing moderate exercise, eating fairly healthily and spending time with others but it’s so difficult when all my housemates are the total opposite of me and I haven’t been as sociable as the others so I’ve only made one or two friends outside my house (and the neighbours’). I feel like I’m starting to slide back again, and I’m not sure what else I can do (apart from joining societies and clubs, I’ll do that over christmas). 21 months ago
I’m so exhausted. I’m so tired of having to do everything for myself, as well as putting 100% effort into all my coursework and exams (I’ve already had two exams, and I’ve got 3 more before christmas and 4 coursework deadlines before then too). Having to fit what I do around my 4 housemates whom I don’t get along with fantastically (they’re all very different to me) and still not having much of a social life. The course itself has been pretty interesting and I’ve haven’t really struggled in understanding what I’m being taught, it’s just the workload combined with a disappointing social life that’s been dragging back to melancholy central. I’ll keep trying though, given how much money I’m spending on this and just how useful this degree will be(hopefully an MEng). 21 months ago
I do when she’s got them but she doesn’t have anything quite like that to open up about (she’s very positive and upbeat). 22 months ago
Earlier today I opened up to one of my housemates. Whether it was a good move or not I don’t know yet, but unlike the others I’ve tried to explain it all to, she sat there and listened without getting impatient with me for being negative and not just doing things like everyone else. It was nice having someone actually listen and understand (she had a friend back home who was suicidal), it was something not even my own parents could do. And now she knows why I’ve been a bit awkward and uncertain about the whole social scene etc, why I never get hammered with everyone else, and why my demeanour is rather more dark and cynical than other peoples’.
I also bought some Bio-oil last week and have begun to use it on the scars. Does anyone know if it actually works? 22 months ago
I get that too, as you’ve proably gathered. But if it helps, one of the things that’s kept me going is the knowledge that nothing lasts forever. As in that Billy Joel song, sooner or later you’ll get your second wind, you just have to keep going until then (easier said than done I know, but you can do it). 22 months ago
Even working up the courage and energy to see a therapist is difficult when things are really bad so congrats on taking that step. I’m sure you didn’t need telling it’s a long process, but I’m sure if you persist, you’ll get there. 22 months ago
:) Thankyou, it’s difficult with so much new stuff and practically no time to myself to figure it all out but I’ll get used to it I guess. 23 months ago
Yeah, I guess. It’s annoying though because I came here looking to deal with the issue as opposed to worsening it. I mean when I was out at the clubs and bars around the university, it was killing me seeing all the people drinking, dancing, and having a good time with other people. I tried talking to people there but I got virtually nothing back and I decided to get the hell out of there, I’d only manage to stay until about 1-2 before it became too much for me. Anyway, sorry for being so self-obssessed all the time. 23 months ago
It’s too late for that now, all the housing’s gone, I’ve signed the contract. It’ll be fine, we probably won’t be around each other all the time when we get into our courses so I won’t end up snapping and killing someone, lol. 23 months ago
Thankyou, I don’t get that from people very often. I’ll get through it somehow, I always do. It’s a real struggle because not only is it stuff I’m not used to, but it’s stuff I’m not especially keen to do either, like the whole club scene. I’ve been out to clubs 4 times in the past 10 days, bars even more than that, and it’s always the same music and atmosphere and guys groping girls, it’s all so tasteless and tacky. Okay, there’s my mini rant done, for now. Sorry. 23 months ago
Thanks, it’s really difficult to keep pushing myself to do all this social stuff when I feel so out of touch with it, it’s frustrating. I’m studying civil engineering. 23 months ago
Thanks, there’s only so much I can push to develop those relationships though. 23 months ago
My degree course starts on monday, I moved into my house with 2 guys and 2 girls on friday, and I’m already pretty sick of it. I enjoy the evenings as we always go out or have people round and once I’ve had a few pints I really enjoy spending time with those people, but when I wake up in the morning my room feels like a prison cell. I’ve really tried to make the effort to be sociable, to go out and talk to total strangers in the clubs and bars as well as those on my course but I’m so exhausted of it all. My roommates go about being sociable with such ease compared to me and I just wonder why I bother because I very rarely get anything back. This was supposed to be the perfect fresh start I’ve been waiting for for years, but maybe I just wasn’t ready for all this. Maybe university wasn’t the right move for me, I know I’m supposed to be there to study but it’s no place for a natural loner. 23 months ago
I’ve been at university for a week now and I’m already more angry than I’ve been in a long time. I thought I could handle being around people 24/7 but it’s driving me insane after just a week in this house with four other people, going out or having people over every night, meeting total strangers and having to make conversation with them all the time. I feel resentment at their ignorance, interest in other people but lack of it in me and at the fact no one seems to share my interests/tastes, to name just a few things. For the past few days I’ve had a burning desire to hit something or someone, which I’ve suppressed and tried to vent through chin ups, long walks, and throwing stones into the sea. Alcohol seems to help but it’s not really a long-term solution. If I can’t make it through just one week, how will I survive the next 9/10 months? 23 months ago
Sunday night saw the start of my university fresher’s week/fortnight. 7-14 days of late nights, drinking excessively, dancing, bars, clubs, a bit of student induction and meeting new people. We’re only part way through and I’m already kicking myself for not being more confident. It’s so frustrating because I want to make new friends and be sociable but after just a few nights of this, I’m too tired to work up the courage to talk to new people. And one of my housemates goes about it with such ease that I’ve begun to resent him, he just wanders up to someone, talks to them for a bit, and gets their number. I feel so awkward just standing there in the clubs etc, even if I’m drinking, but I don’t know what to do anymore. 23 months ago
The past year has given me levels of anxiety unlike anything I’d experienced previously and so seemed utterly terrifying. I had to attend interviews, give presentations, meet new people, make new friends, be sociable, take the most difficult exams of my life and rent a home for the next 9 months. All of which are way out of my comfort zone and are things I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing this time last year. But now, although I still feel anxiety about most things, it doesn’t seem to paralyse me as much as it used to, allowing me to function despite it. Like last weekend when I found 4 roommates I’d never met before, secured a housed with them, made new friends and went out for a few beers with them. The scariest bit was meeting my first roommate, then after that my worries seemed to almost melt away which was rather unnerving to say the least. But it seems to be getting easier. 23 months ago