evoxus

been pretty under the weather since last week saturday so the whole of this week so far i have had rest days… and i finally got back in the gym today even tho i am still technically ill. but hoping im in the recovery phase been way too long now.

have a awful cold which has been bearable, sore throat on and off, but most annoying of all is a very nasty cough… which has been so so bad… and kept me up at night last few days.

anyway it was awesome to be back in the gym today… loved it! 3 months ago

nothing happened today with the algerian, as he wasnt there when i went to buy my coffee. which is probably just as well.

i think i need to step back a bit, as, as much as i like him, nothing will probably come of it. and if it did, would probably be complicated. and already lately i am overthinking it. when maybe i need to just let it be and what will be will be.

still think hes cute though… but i have a habit of going for men who tho they are not bad people, they tend to be unsuitable in some way or just wrong for me. hence i find myself still single.

well what can i say… i dont do boring. i like interesting people of different ages and types. variety is the spice of life. i cant do cookie cutter. ive tried it and it was boring and or they hurt me still. that my be my problem… i admit it… but what can i do???!!

anyway… what will be… will be… im still the happiest now, than i have been for a long long time. single and all. 3 months ago

my folks away overseas on holiday for a week, has been really nice for me as i have the house to myself and i have been doing my own thing.

reminded me that i really need to work on this goal and get my own little place. i would like it this year. money is tight, due to bills and expenses etc but i would just have to budget like crazy. i think im gonna start looking now.

i want my only little place. even if its a small studio flat or a tiny one bed place. i want my own place. it sucks that i live in an expensive ish area. so i will either live in my area and try to make ends meet or i could compromise and move somewhere a little cheaper but transport will be an issue. but then maybe i buy a crappy little car then to get to work, or catch a bus. i need to look at my options. but i wanna work on this. and look at it from all angles. its time to live on my own agian. 3 months ago

i went to pret this morning to get my skinny late. my algerian crush was there. his friend made my late and he put the order through. i smiled and asked him how he was he said good and asked the same. i then thanked him again for giving me the free coffee yesterday, so he just smiled and said it was nothing. i then took out the small chocolate (pack of 3 ferroro rochers) i had in my bag, that i bought for him and gave it to him, telling him he did something nice for me, so i wanted to do something nice for him. that made him smile… he then called to his other colleague that was accross the store… saying “look what i got!” laughing and smiling as he said it, and waving the chocolate in the air, at his colleague, then he winked at me saying he wanted to make his friend jealous lol. anyway… he then said you know what i think u can have this coffee free too… to which i said nnnooooooooooo! not gonna let u do that! i totally refused. and he let it go. he then asked me where i work, to which i replied i dont come here to work i come here to study. he thought i worked in the area. he asked if i lived nearby, i said i dont live in london, again he was suprised. suprised it took me an hour and a half to get there. he then asked what time i finish studies so i said sometimes 3 sometimes 4pm depends how i feel. i asked him what time he finishes he said at 3pm and then he goes to the gym across the road. scored a massive point there… :) so i told him thats good, i also go to the gym. so hes like u go to that one, i said no, the one where i live. so he says i should go with him to his one lol. i said i will go there if u pay for my membership, sure lol. anyway it was a mish mosh of conversation. and then i said goodbye and he said goodbye. it was nice. i think hes interested but also scared to move quickly. maybe he will never make a move. i dont know. in my ideal world he would ask me to meet him after he finishes his work and i finish college and we could go for a coffee/drink/meal to get to know each otehr properly.

but so far taking it slow, and getting to know each other slowly. still both a bit shy. i like that he is a bit playful like what he did with the chocolate i bought him, to his friend. but yeah dont know if he will take it any further. and i will not initiate that cos im just too scared and i dont want to do it, if he isnt that interested in me. so if he does it, its better. thats if he does it at all.

tommorow is valentines day… dunno if i should go in there or not and get my coffee. i dont usually go there all week, but i have a week off work and decided to go to college all week to catch up on my work. anyway…. it may be too much going in there on valentines day after all this silly stuff going on. it maybe a little too obvious to him. i dont know. maybe i go there and he is busy serving someone else and i barely get to say 2 words to him. maybe it will be awkward.

ah well i think i will treat it as any other day. i dont think anything different will happen tomoz.

but yeah was a good day, we had a little chat, and he seemed pleased that i bought him a chocolate to say thanks. and we had our little interesting chat. i get so nervous around him. my hand trembles a little and i could see he noticed it. anyway i dont wanna get ahead of myself here. he could just be really nice to me. maybe he doesnt want anything serious to come out of it and he is jsut messing about. who knows. but it was nice.

i have a feeling for some reason, because ive had 2 really nice days with special little moments… that tomoz on valentines day of all day… it will all sort of end abruptly ie he wont be there, or he will be but he will be busy with other people and we wont be able to have a quick silly chat. or he wont be busy, but it will all fall flat and we will be shy and not say much besides a polite how are u and can i get a skinny late please. thank you bye bye. thats happened many a time. sometimes we have had small little chats. other times its jsut silence and making eyes and nothing.

i dont know. i overthink it i know. and that aint good. but yeah, he is my algerian crush. so lets just be positive and enjoy it for what it is. i dont know if i could handle it getting actually serious anyway, i like him, but i know it would be a bit different to past relationships. anyway, let me not get a head of myself.

anyway im proud of myself for being brave to give him the chocolate! hope it made him feel special like he made me feel special yesterday.

geeez you would think i am 16 the way i am about this guy! 3 months ago

i am a bit of an insomniac and have been for years. its something i hate alot… and struggle with. so this is something i want to work on. yesterday evening i had a small success i went to bed at midnight and slept like a baby! the main reason for that was becasue the night before i had gotten very little sleep.. i had stayed up till 330am then finally passed out… then got up at 830am to go to college. anyway at college my energy levels were pretty low… i was super sleepy, regardless of the coffee i drank or even if i went to get some lunch to wake me up. it is not the first time i have been super tired in college. i have been caught sleeping while sitting upright lol! no joking here. dead serious! anyway it totally affects my ability to study sometimes i jsut sit hunched over my book/pc with my head in my hands covering my eyes and i sleep for a few mins incognito cos im sooo shattered. usually when i jsut cant take anymore, i just pack up my stuff and leave and im done for the day cos im too tired. anyway yesterday was one such day… just physically shattered in college. so i left…. then i was on my train… again i passed out on the train cos i was exhausted… managed to wake up in time for my stop… got off… got in the taxi… told the driver where i live… then i nodded off in the taxi for 10 mins agian… woke up in time just before we got to my home. so yesterday was my wake up call that i need to get my sleeping patterns better… cos it affects me pretty bad… the only reason i dont fall asleep at work is cos i am standing and walking circles round the restaurant all day, but i do feel i would be far more alert at work and more on the ball if i got better sleep. this lack of sleep makes a huge impact on me. i am one of those people who needs 8 or more hours, but i dont necessarily give it to myself. its also hard cos i sometimes finish work at 11pm, midnight or sometimes 1am… but in those cases… im jsut gonna have to try and go as soon as possible when i get home from work.

anyway because i went to bed at midnight and got up at 830am this morning… i felt amazing all day… and had no sleepy situations all day! not at college, not on the train on the way to college and back… and not on the taxi home… i was super alert and got loads done. i jsut felt allround better for it. and no doubt the circles under my eyes are a little smaller today (i hope!)

so this something im gonna work on. midnight curfew each night. and on the nights that i come home late from work… just try and get all my nightly stuff done and then climb into bed as soon as possible. this is something that is super important and i want to finally nail it and be a better sleeper and look forward to going to sleep! 3 months ago

and had a 1 hour deep tissue massage today. i booked it in london and went after college.

it felt amazing and he really hit all my tension spots and worked on my knots. it was painfull at times esp when he massaged a new area, but after 5 mins i got used to it and it felt better. then he would move on to other parts of me.

was so relaxing, some people find it too painful, but i like it quite hard… so it was fine. its amazing how certain areas were more tender than others, due to our lifestyle and the things we do, our posture and how we sleep. i left there feeling so much better and still feeling awesome now. he did say i might get some headaches for 2 days but i feel ok at the moment. neck schoulders back and lower back all feel better for it.

this was the first time i had a professional massage and i really needed it and enjoyed it. i plan to have more in future when body feels tight, tense and sore esp due to my work and gym. 3 months ago

em gee! :))))

something awesome happened today that made my day. ok maybe its not that big a deal but its a big deal to me :)

i went to london to college today… and as usual i stopped in pret a manger to get my usual skinny late… ^{and perve on my algerian crush :)}

anyway, he served me and i asked for my skinny late. so he made it, and when he gave it to me, and i took out my card to pay for it, he said it was on the house!!! i looked at him dumbfounded and said what?! he said again its on the house and smiled… i was in small state of shock and said “are u sure?”... he nodded… i asked again… “u sure?” he smiled again and nodded. i think i was in bit of shock and then smiled in my shocked state and said thanks back. i wanted to speak to him more about it at the time… but i left it, cos i dont think he was even allowed to do that! and his other colleages were nearby and his boss was in the office. wouldnt want him to lose his job! so i left it at that. maybe he paid for it out of his own pocket, who knows.

but yeah i was abit gobsmacked! so… now i think thats pretty obvious that he likes me jsut as much as like him. its not all in my head lol. but i think he maybe jsut as shy as i am or at least a bit. i think we would probably talk more of his colleagues werent around so much.

anyway i am gonna go there tommorow and give him a small chocolate to say thank you for what he did. a small gesture. ive contemplated sticking a post it note on it, with a small note saying thanks, and my name and number…. but well im not sure if im ready for that just yet, but more so, i am a bit old fashioned and would rather he asked me for my number or gave me his number. i dont want to rush this cos i dont know what will come of it, and i find it all a bit cliche-y around valentines day. i am happy to take it slow, should anything come of it. or let him make the moves.

but yeah i was on cloud 9 for a while after i left the shop and went to college. and i thought it was really sweet and special, not had a guy do something like that in ages. nice gesture, very sweet and kind of him.

so the least i can do is give him a small chocolate to acknowledge him and say thanks. im pretty sure he knows i like him. and i think hes made it clear he likes me. so… i will just give him the chocolate and then the ball can be in his court. oh be still my beating heart. knowing the 2 of us… we will jsut smile and say nothing for awhile…. :)

he makes me feel like a teenager with my huge crush. i get all nervous sometimes. and he is the only guy i have had a massive actual crush on for ages… like years! its kind of surreal. and whats ammusing, is that i think he might be younger than me. though i could be wrong. and i would prefer him to be my age of course. i have no idea how old he is.

oh well time will tell what happens in this story… 3 months ago

Banana pancakes today for breakfast! Mmmm happy pancake day y’all! :) 3 months ago

back to work earlier this evening… in the dark… in the rain… music in my ears… with a smile on my face. why? cos i felt free. i felt happy. i felt good to be single.

i felt happy that i was alone and not in a relationship that wasnt making me happy or going nowhere. that was what i was thinking about as i was walking, sometimes running/skipping to avoid puddles.

this is the first time in years i feel ok to be single. i found myself thinking… maybe i will date, maybe i wont, maybe i shall take a lover, maybe i wont… i shall jsut explore this time, and enjoy it. even if i spend it all alone. at least i enjoy my own company. and i wanna stop chasing love. if it comes to me, that is great but the online dating stuff should stop, its never brought me any happiness only headaches. instead i can focus on my studies and fitness, as well as other things i am interested in, and live my life, instead of wasting my time doing that online dating stuff.

i feel like i need this time alone to get back to me, who i am, what i like, and what i want to be doing, and go and do it. if i am to be single for a long time so be it. maybe i shall never settle down. so be it. but i shall carry on doing, or chasing my passions.

maybe someday my “soulmate” will come along, and we shall connect and it will finally feel right… but i just cant see it with online dating. i know i will have my days where i feel depressed about it, but im sorry i jsut cannot do hopeless or bad relationships any more. i cannot sit through another online date, wishing i was at home. i jsut cannnot. im sick of that stuff. so only old fashioned dating from now on. see if i get lucky that way.
so i shall enjoy being single for what it is. and see what the future brings.

i am excited by the prospect of not knowing what or who the future may bring. and that i have a choice regarding that, when it comes and shows itself. single or not single, i aim to be happy in life.

it wont always be easy, but i think it will be worth it. 3 months ago

this song

when you were young – the killers3 months ago

i think i need to change my name on here. as a privacy measure.

i dont want to tho. :( 3 months ago

for the eve.

lithium – evenescence3 months ago

monday i will be going into week 5.

all is well. loving the trainer… happy at meal times.

this is a new lifestyle for me, that i plan to stick to. 3 months ago

long shitty day. people at work.. douchebags. seriosly. i actually let them get to me, but i kept it on the inside.

i have zero respect for these people. who pick on people for no reason, or dumb reasons. they need to grow up. 3 months ago

tissue massage booked and paid for… for 1 hour… on tuesday at 430pm in London.

my body is so needing this. cant wait. hope i come out feeling like a brand new person with no more aches and pain

apparently these massages can be quite painful but i hope i can withstand it. otherwise will ask practitioner to go a bit gentler on me. however, i always prefer massages to be firm and realling kneading into the skin. and really doing the job. dont want a soft massage that makes not much difference.

heres hoping i wont eat my words! 3 months ago

finished product

yummy! 3 months ago

is my homemade banana popsicles. before and after chocolate :) 3 months ago

the recipe for my banana popsicles that i love so much AKA chocolate banana and peanut butter popsicles!

this is a healthy treat and much better to have instead of icecream or normal popsicles. in my opinion tastes just as good if not better. the banana once frozen gives the consistence/impression as if it were real ice cream. really good treat if u have a sweet tooth but dont want to be naughty!

this makes 4 portions.

ingredients

2 bananas
peanut butter
tsp coconut oil
3/4 blocks dark chocolate (also really good with mint dark chocolate)

basically u cut the bananas in half. then slice the halves vertically. then you spread some peanut butter on one of the banana slices. insert a skewer on the peanut butter spread. put the other banana slice on top. then secure them together. do that 3 more times so that you have 4 banana peanut butter skewers. i then wrap mine individually in some grease proof paper and put them in the freezer to freeze until firm.

once your popsicals are all the way frozen. take your dark chocolate and melt it with the coconut oil. i like to put it in a mug and put it in the microwave on a very low heat so that it doesnt burn. it needs to jsut melt. once that has melted, i take the banana popsicals out the freezer and hold them by the skewer and dip them into the melted chocolate in the cup. and keep dipping until the whole banana is covered. you will find that the chocolate hardens and dries within 3/4 seconds, due to the fact of the hot sauce on frozen banana. once these are done, u can enjoy immidately or pop back in the freezer, and have them when ever you feel like a “ice cream treat”. i actually still ahve one of these left in the freezer so i will prob have it now :)

i usually will have one after supper as desert :) seriously my favourite healthy desert. this is great for kids too.

the above picture is taken from the internet where i found the original recipe. i will post my pics of my ones in the next 2 entries :) 3 months ago

made a delicious healthy chilli dish for supper tonight! a healthier take on traditional chilli con carne.

ingredients

1 onion
clove garlic
about a tblsp coconut oil
2 cans chopped tommatos
2 cans kidney beans
500g cubed chicken peices (minced in food processor)
chilli pepper (salt & pepper and any other spices herbs u want to add – i added some thyme and a bit of parsely)

traditional chilli con carne is usually served with beef mince i believe and rice… however i opted for no rice, and used chicken which i minced instead of beef mince. i served this with a cup of mixed veg instead of rice.

anyway basically saute the chopped onion in coconut oil in a pan (i used a wok). then once thats nearly done add the garlic… then add the chicken mince and cook till the chicken is no longer pink. then add the chopped tommatoes and the kidney beans. and finally all the spices to taste. once all mixed nicely… set to a meduim heat, cover and cook for 30mins.

serve with rice or mixed veg or salad. or whatever u like. this made a big portion. it will probably last me for the next 3 days as i am the only one who is eating it. or 4 servings.

came out really nice, tasty and spicy. this is gonna be a staple for me. and a really healthy dish!

om nom nom :) 3 months ago

that for this goal… i will be getting a 1 hour deep tissue massage on the day in london when im finished college.

have just booked and paid for the appointment. i wouldnt say this is something considered fun, tho i think it will be enjoyable, however it is out of character for me as i have never booked a professional massage for myself ever.

so am really looking forward to this esp with all the hours i spend in the gym and with the strength training i do, lifting dumbells and barbells alot… my neck shoulders and back are riddled with tension and nots… and i struggle with it alot… so think this will help alot.

really looking forward to this! 3 months ago

i suck… been thinking bout the hotel thing… and much as i want to do it… i just really cant justify such an expense for no reason. even tho i would enjoy it, it seems pointless, and a bit of a waste of money. if i dont need to be doing something important in london that i can stay overnight for.

so not gonna do that now… will stick with my cornwall time away which is definately worth it… and book a few days off and enjoy being by the sea. will do that for summer in a few months. 3 months ago

was a really great day… had a bit of lie in as i had the day off… woke up made a fantastic easy healthy breakfast then got ready for gym… did that… had my me time there… only girl in the weights room :) then came home took a nice hot bath… got dressed, did my hair thought i looked nice and pretty in what i was wearing, went to meet my cousin about 430pm at a newly renovated pub near where i live. my other 2 friends were supposed to come with but they couldnt make it. so cousin and i hung out and chatted and looked at her wedding pics and caught up, and ate yummy (healthy food)... then came home, helped dad with computer stuff and just chilling now… it jsut all felt really good.

gym definately makes me happier and i feel better every day even when things dont work out in other areas in my life… working out feels good and i know im doing good. i feel better, fitter, body is changing. i dont crave junk food anymore, and i feel more positive aobut life now. i know things can only get better. when u hit rockbottom only way is up… and even tho people come along and knock me down now and again… i know im strong and i can pick myself up again. i am a fighter… i am not a quitter… and one day i shall be a lover again… when the right person comes along. right now however… is my me time. 3 months ago

breakfast pancakes i made to day for the first time! only 2 ingredients! well 3 if u add a bit of protein powder (optional) ingredients: 1 banana, 2 eggs. mash banana up in bowl, add eggs (i left the yolks in) but you can leave them out if u want, add maybe half a spoon protein powder (again optional) mix in bowl. then cook in pan with a bit of coconut oil. once cooked, serve onto plate and drizzle with a bit of agave nectar… (you can also add a bit of cinnamon if u like) and bon apetitite! seriously delish and easy… this is definately gonna become a breakfast staple for me! 3 months ago

for the day :)))

played this song a few times today… had the main chorus in my head all day and thought would check it out on youtube… been loving it ever since lol. everytime i listen to it, start wiggling and bopping. find it hard not to do some form of dancing to it. i like it, its sexy sweet and groovy all rolled into one.

ub40 – the way u do the things u do3 months ago

my initial idea of going to cornwall next week… whilst i love it and would love to do it… i think it will have to wait… the main reason is that it is super duper cold right now… and we are set to get a bit of snow soon… and no doubt rain and wind and all sorts of horrible weather… and thats just down here… so can only imagine what it will be like in the coastal town of cornwall. so basically i dont want to go there in such crappy weather… cos will end up sitting in my hotel room or restaurants too much. i wanna be able to go there and enjoy walking along the beach on a summers day… and enjoy being outdoors that kind of thing… therefore i have decided to do that in summer now.

but… i still wanna get away next week… soooo… have decided i will stay in london for 2 nights… at a chic boutique hotel close to paddingtonstation which is my main station i get off to catch the tube to college… so will stay there and still go to college all week… but spend 2 nights at this gorgeous hotel. it also has a gym so i will be making sure to use that facilitie! :)))

havent booked it yet because i havent quite decided on the dates yet. not sure if i wanna be there on my own on valentines day… eating out alone and staying there alone… but at same time… thinking i must just embrace it and im treating myself on valentines day. there are lots of bars and restaurants about… so can go to those. also wanna see if there is a local spa nearby cos i wanna see if i can fit in a massage session at some point… so yeah basically get away to treat myself a bit, do a bit of soul searching… and be my own date on valentines day… and jsut enjoy spending a couple of nights in a gorgeous boutique hotel.

this may seem vain… but i think i deserve something nice… i put others before me, ive had my heartbroken more times than i care to remember, felt the pain of rejection, spent many a night in tears, over men, weight issues, self esteem issues etc felt the pain of depresion and work really long crazy hours sometimes in a hard physically demanding job and a whole bunch of other things… so i think i deserve to treat myself to this little get away.

also i always do the same things, go home, go to work, go to college etc seldom anything different or exciting beside meeting the odd friend/family member for lunch or something. so i wanna get away and do something that i wouldnt normally do for a change. dont have anyone else to share these treats with and im sure as hell done waiting for someone to walk into my life so that i can finally have a partner to do things with… so i date myself and i do it alone… for me… cos its what i want. i am not gonna put my life on hold waiting for “maybes” so yeah… i am not single… im dating myself and happily so :) 3 months ago

my chocolate banana peanut butter popsicles are the bomb!

made three yesterday. had 1 yesterday, 1 now and one for tomoz. seriously yummy healthy snack… its my desert after dinner :) 3 months ago

what im thinking of doing next week toget away…

i wanna go to cornwall… to get there will go by sleeper train overnight.

just looking at days and options and gonna look for accomodation too.

this is what im thinking about. pretty excited. hope i can make it happen. 3 months ago