everybody’s fool – evanessence15 months ago
revisiting my old music here… trip down memory lane. still love this stuff. 15 months ago
to listen to old songs I used to love
blurry – puddle of mudd15 months ago
on page 5 of a 12 page application online form.
I find it very hard answering questions like describe yourself in 50 words or less
and what is your best quality?
there are other personal questions but I needed a break when I came to those 2. will give those a go tomoz.
I find it very hard to answer such direct personal questions believe it or not. I can talk about myself freely on here cos its my personal thoughts but have always found those kind of questions in real life situations difficult to answer.
its like the quintessential “so tell me about yourself?” I hate them. 15 months ago
this on fb earlier today:
“shes the girl that believes what comes around goes around. the one that hopes for a better day. the one that wont give up on you. shes the girl that’s unlike the rest. the one that spent her days smiling, and her nights crying. she’s the girl that would love to be loved. the one that looks so damn strong but feels so weak. shes the girl that picks herself up every time she falls…”
it certainly resonated with me. 15 months ago
decided I don’t want to obsess bout anyone right now, esp as it all seems to be in my head.
I was walking home today and thinking I don’t want to care aobut crushes and the like, I want to care aobut me, I need to put myself first cos I feel like im in a rough patch at the moment. so I cant love me let alone anyone else.
so im not gonna care. im gonna have a word with polish dude in a calm nice way and tell him that all the flirting and nonsense must stop we are gonna be friends in a nice way and im gonna forget about my obsession about Portuguese dude who maybe wrong for me anyay and anyone else that may come along. I will be friendly and chatty but I dotn want to obsess bout nothing and overthink anything anymore. there is nothing there and I need to get back to the happy me before I can let other people in. I want to enjoy life again and let the universe do its thing when it is ready and when im ready.
I also seem to fall for all the wrong guys anyway, wrong for me, I want someone to fall for me for a change in the right circumstances and it feels natural and right, it just happens by surprise.
surprise that seems to be my word lately. I want good suprises. happy suprises. a bit of serendipity. it all starts in me. and I have been neglecting me so much and putting others first. if I look after me, everything will fall into place when the time is right and im ready for it.
I walked home today thinking along these lines, and I remember thinking it felt so good to think like this. felt freeing. like I have a clean slate. the thought even put a smile on my face.
if I ever fall in love again, I want it to be with a kindred spirit and I don’t think anyone I crush over has been that. I kind of want a good guy, a nice guy, some morals and respect, and not someone who only thinks of themselves.im not very good at dating it seems. even my long term relationships in the past were questionable. they weren’t bad people but not right for me. but first I need to get myself better again. I deserve a good guy.
so yeah its time to sit back relax and rediscover me and look after me and forget aobut this stuff.
if someone comes along and is kind and friendly and interested I will get to know them and come what may but until then its time for me to work on me. its very much needed. 15 months ago
for sharing this information with me. I will check out the site. I might consider trying it. I have had food issues over the last 5 years or so going from binge addiction to health freak this year and I seem to have come full circle again. so now I am ready to be healthy again. so I will definitely look at this. I don’t know that it is something I will do permanently but I like the idea of clean wholesome foods and cooking from scratch. I also have a dependency on sweetners etc so I definatley want to eliminate that. I don’t know that I could elimate dairy and grains permanently but I may try to the challenge to detox and see how I get on. and then re-introduce them. it does seem hard tho, without being able to eat grains and dairy I will admit. I know I am happy when I eat healthier but I don’t want to be obsessive either. I will definitely be doing some research. maybe even buy the book.
I want it to be natural and easy not a diet, not a strict regime where I feel deprived. thanks again. nothing tastes as good as healthy unprocessed good food. I will allow for the occasional treat probably as I am human but it will be just that. a treat.
ty for sharing. 15 months ago
u have to hit rock bottom before you have to claw yourself back again.
I feel like I have been rockbottom with this goal for this past month. its still been difficult. im not where I want to be, im where I used to be. a place I thought I left for ever. but today. tonight, ive finally had enough, and getting all my demons out my system. I don’t like how not being healthy looks and feels. how it takes a toll on me physically, mentally emotionally. laziness, bad eating and I even started smoking again but on a very small scale in that regard. regarding smoking, I do not enjoy it and I don’t want that. its like I felt like I had a free pass to just go nuts on these thigns cos im alone, folks are on holiday, no one will know but I know, and I feel, and it hurts me. and I hate it. I hate these feelings. that old me cant come back I wont let it.
it is shocking how much weight I put on this month, I looked in the mirror and I can see my face is fuller I feel bloated and I look like im pregnant (im not) I don’t like what I see at all. all that in a month.
its like something snapped and I just said I don’t care I want to just be and not obsess over health and fitness. but I could never find balance. ive always been for extremes. all or nothing. so I went from binge addiction bordering obese for last 3/4 years on and off, then this year I become a health nut and enjoyed it but I became too extreme, and then this month I couldn’t keep up with it and all the prepping and I let go. and I just made excuses not to go to the gym.
but nothing can beat how I feel after a good workout, and when I eat well and healthy consistenly. and I want that feeling back, and I don’t want to be a smoker again. I been playing with fire regarding smoking. but even tonight when I smoked, I hated it, it does not give me anything besides a headache.
so im ready to claw back. im ready to eat better again, but I don’t want to be extreme. I definitely want to stop smoking and I know I can, because I haven’t let myself get fully hooked as I don’t enjoy it when I smoke. and I will return to gym next week. a week I might add that is pretty hardgoing with 5 double shifts and I intend to go to the gym before work. but I just cant do it this week. I need to kind of detox my body from the crap I been eating before I can go run on a treadmill. that’s how bad I feel.
I want to eat healthier and better but not obsessive. no processed junk, home made food, clean, raw etc. it just tastes and makes me feel better. I feel like today when I ate, I couldn’t even enjoy or finish the pizza or the desert cos it tasted awful and made me feel awful. I am ready to return to better eating. quit the smoking. and return to the gym
just try to find balance. that’s what I need. I don’t want to throw away all my hard work of this year. and it feels like I have but I am not someone who gives up. I beat these demons twice in the last 5 years and I wll do it again.
I know I can. everytime I fall I get back up stronger and wiser and I learn with every mistake.
the toll it has taken on me emotionally is like no other, I believe there is something in me that is unhappy, im unfulfilled or lonely or something, and its why I just stopped caring. well I know when I start to care again I go back to happy me, and I want her back. I want to love me again.
I still cant believe I let it happen. I was doing really well and so happy with my progress. I want that feeling again. I felt so powerful and strong and happy and unstoppable. I can get there again. I had to hit rock bottom to know its time to get up again. ive done it before I can do it again.
I will get there. 15 months ago
wanted to do this for years with a particular artwork, piccassos “the lovers” “los amantes” but sadly the puzzle of it isn’t made anymore I believe. ive looked all over online Europe and the US a few years ago.
the annoying thing is I had that puzzle once and its still in my garage at home in SA except a lot of the pieces are missing. boo. but there are lots of other artwork puzzles out there so I will see if there are any other ones I fancy and buy one to complete.
think I will try one last time to look for the Picasso painting puzzle in the online world and hopefully one comes up but the chances are slim 15 months ago
does this goal mean to me?
well I want people to look at me and think, oh shes just a “normal”(lol I laughed when I reread this – I don’t think im normal – but hopefully its a good thing) average plain jane but apon getting to know me they find out that I am passionate about/take part/get involved in different interesting things.
so for example
I want to become fluent in Portuguese
I want to be able to write in shorthand easily
I want to excel in strength training and powerlifting
I want to transform my body into a finely tuned machine (aesthetics)
indulge in wanderlust (travel more locally/internationally)
move to another country and start all over again (im thinking Portugal)
live on a boat (at least for a week – my dream holiday in turkey)
a trained opera singer (no not really, its an example)
meditate properly (finding inner peace, haven’t tried this yet, need to research)
be a queen of sales if I can get a sales career. (I like selling I think its a good fit for me. esp retail and hospitality)
road trip one day in the good ol U S of A
learn to play poker and chess well
be able to do bar work in terms of fitness (pretty impossible – but can dream big here)
do 100 consecutive pushups
own some rental property
get on the Deal or No Deal tv game show. I am currently filling in the application form online. its 12 pages.
work for myself
try speed dating
run a half marathon
spend more time outdoors in nature maybe with a group like hiking or similar
get creative – make something with my hands (don’t know what yet)
master the art of dressing stylishly for work (future work). people are used to me in jeans and tshirts which I like but I do like to dress up when I have a reason to.
just try new experiences in life short term or long term.
anyway those are some examples. some serious some fluffy.
life is for living gotta remember that. and I like the idea of being interesting cos I feel so uninteresting and I want that to change.
I want to live an interesting and happy life. and do things that make me happy. just basically try new interesting things or follow my bliss.
I will add to this list in terms of goals I want to aspire to do, but also will create them as proper goals on here when I figure out how to make them happen or as it happens. some in progress, others just thoughts in my head still processing :) 15 months ago
apply for team secretary role email jan re referees
look for car insurance paperwork & send off – pending, in progress
look at recruitment sites see what jobs have eg Chiltern, platinum, bucks&berks, gumtree shorthand study finish book, start flashcards Portuguese study15 months ago
“There is one way to understand another culture. Living it. Move into it, ask to be tolerated as a guest, learn the language. At some point understanding may come. It will always be wordless. The moment you grasp what is foreign, you will lose the urge to explain it. To explain a phenomenon is to distance yourself from it.”
― Peter Høeg, from Smilla’s Sense of Snow 15 months ago
a book together. take turns reading or one can just read and the other listens.
reading a favourite book together. a chapter each night, or something like that.
its soppy but i think its nice. i cant see many guys liking this idea lol.
but its my list. so if this person ever comes along, will see if i could persuade them lol. 15 months ago
a midnight/night picnic, in a park or a backyard with food and wine, blanket on the ground. once enjoyed our picnic, layback and stargaze, slighty drunk but happy and content and relaxed.
always wanted to do this. ive done it on my own, where i had a half a bottle of wine, and i lay on the ground star gazing and listening to music.
ive also sat on a beautiful big balcony overlooking some land with lots of trees and plants and fields nearby a enjoying the night sky and the night sounds and smoking (when i used to be a proper smoker) and thinking bout life. there is something so wonderful about stargazing late at night. being outside at night. hearing the night sounds. its always been a peaceful experience. makes you realise how small you really are in this world.
so now to share that with someone would be nice. 15 months ago
is to trust people to be who they are. instead we trust people to be who we want them to be and when they aren’t we cry. – david duchovny
reminds me of yesterday with 20somthing kid. (no i didn’t cry) made me realise i idealise him/others, and then come back to earth. i do this a lot actually! that he is far from perfect and a moody one too. so now i am seeing who he is with eyes wide open and pink glasses off.
still like him but no more overthinking all this stuff. i don’t want to care anymore. im so tired of it all. 15 months ago
duolingo, memrise is another website I highly recommend for learning a new language (they also do learning for other things besides languages) and its free. like duolingo its a fun website.
and both duolingo and memrise have apps so you can work on your language studying on your phone when your on the go.
honestly I never thought I would enjoy this goal but I am really enjoying it. these 2 sites are like games and its addictive. I find this more fun than language cds and downloads cos its more interactive and its great that I can do them on my phone too.
there are also various language phrase apps you can download. so for example I downloaded some Portuguese, so whenever im bored and sitting on a train for example I listen to those and practice in my head when im not on these 2 sites that is.
im gonna be brave and try and watch a movie in Portuguese sometime.
I feel so motivated with this goal lately. im gonna practice my skills with my Portuguese colleagues. i wanna surprise them with how much i have improved :)
will take time tho but its fun trying 15 months ago