u have to hit rock bottom before you have to claw yourself back again.
I feel like I have been rockbottom with this goal for this past month. its still been difficult. im not where I want to be, im where I used to be. a place I thought I left for ever. but today. tonight, ive finally had enough, and getting all my demons out my system. I don’t like how not being healthy looks and feels. how it takes a toll on me physically, mentally emotionally. laziness, bad eating and I even started smoking again but on a very small scale in that regard. regarding smoking, I do not enjoy it and I don’t want that. its like I felt like I had a free pass to just go nuts on these thigns cos im alone, folks are on holiday, no one will know but I know, and I feel, and it hurts me. and I hate it. I hate these feelings. that old me cant come back I wont let it.
it is shocking how much weight I put on this month, I looked in the mirror and I can see my face is fuller I feel bloated and I look like im pregnant (im not) I don’t like what I see at all. all that in a month.
its like something snapped and I just said I don’t care I want to just be and not obsess over health and fitness. but I could never find balance. ive always been for extremes. all or nothing. so I went from binge addiction bordering obese for last 3/4 years on and off, then this year I become a health nut and enjoyed it but I became too extreme, and then this month I couldn’t keep up with it and all the prepping and I let go. and I just made excuses not to go to the gym.
but nothing can beat how I feel after a good workout, and when I eat well and healthy consistenly. and I want that feeling back, and I don’t want to be a smoker again. I been playing with fire regarding smoking. but even tonight when I smoked, I hated it, it does not give me anything besides a headache.
so im ready to claw back. im ready to eat better again, but I don’t want to be extreme. I definitely want to stop smoking and I know I can, because I haven’t let myself get fully hooked as I don’t enjoy it when I smoke. and I will return to gym next week. a week I might add that is pretty hardgoing with 5 double shifts and I intend to go to the gym before work. but I just cant do it this week. I need to kind of detox my body from the crap I been eating before I can go run on a treadmill. that’s how bad I feel.
I want to eat healthier and better but not obsessive. no processed junk, home made food, clean, raw etc. it just tastes and makes me feel better. I feel like today when I ate, I couldn’t even enjoy or finish the pizza or the desert cos it tasted awful and made me feel awful. I am ready to return to better eating. quit the smoking. and return to the gym
just try to find balance. that’s what I need. I don’t want to throw away all my hard work of this year. and it feels like I have but I am not someone who gives up. I beat these demons twice in the last 5 years and I wll do it again.
I know I can. everytime I fall I get back up stronger and wiser and I learn with every mistake.
the toll it has taken on me emotionally is like no other, I believe there is something in me that is unhappy, im unfulfilled or lonely or something, and its why I just stopped caring. well I know when I start to care again I go back to happy me, and I want her back. I want to love me again.
I still cant believe I let it happen. I was doing really well and so happy with my progress. I want that feeling again. I felt so powerful and strong and happy and unstoppable. I can get there again. I had to hit rock bottom to know its time to get up again. ive done it before I can do it again.
I will get there. 5 months ago