ja, ja!

Recent entries from oncekel
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oncekelmore and more

I understand how little difference age makes in making friendships. Maybe it’s harder in our teens & twenties to realize that older people can be non-judgmental about younger people & be honestly open to friendship across a large age span, & not just to play a role of mentor or substitute parent. People really can learn new things from each other no matter what age they are, or just kick back & laugh together. (maybe because older people have all been younger, but younger people haven’t been older yet) 20 months ago


I remember my grandmother saying she felt a freedom around other people when she got older. She always liked talking with people, hearing their stories, and found it a relief to be old enough that men wouldn’t think she was hitting on them & women didn’t see her as any sort of competition. 20 months ago

oncekelThat is never easy

Our animal family members give so much so freely to us, & it seems like they just don’t have long enough lives. It hurts so much when they are gone. It is the painful part of otherwise wonderful relationships.

It’s really hard to make the decision, draw the line between this moment & that, this day or another, but we don’t want them to suffer needlessly.

I am their friend. They don’t understand the causes of pain or illness or death.

They trust me. I’m willing to do the hard job of making painful decisions for them to help them have less pain. They are spared the mental anguish & the grief that we, as their human friends, take on because we love them. 20 months ago

oncekeldisturbing thoughts

& images sometimes pop into my head. It’s different if I’m watching a documentary abt something awful, because I expect it to be bad in a way that will boost my awareness & understanding of things.

If an ugly thought or image pops in (like after I read a headline abt child abuse or animal abuse or anything that has caused intense suffering or fear in someone) I acknowledge it, but try to replace it with something useful.

Usually the disturbing pop-ups serve only to make me feel pain abt things I can’t do anything abt right then. Maybe something dysfunctional inside me would get a perverse pleasure out of suffering emotionally? I don’t have a clue. I just know it’s senseless & would drag me down & senseless pain is a waste of time. 20 months ago


Part of me would like to believe in reincarnation. I’d love to experience a ton of different lives, but I’d really want to remember it all instead of having to live each one from scratch. And I’d like to recognize the souls of other people I meet who I’d known in previous lives. At least remember a little about them. 20 months ago

oncekelright now?

None. 20 months ago


After I stress here that I am very, very young – not even 40 yet :) – I’d say I am beginning to notice (not often, still being so young & all, as I might have mentioned) that I am gradually becoming semi-invisible to some people in their early twenties or younger. I’ve heard older people (like over 50) comment on that, although they seem to take it in stride & think of it as more of a problem the younger people have than a problem for them. Since I’ve always had friends from every age group who’ve been really interesting & creative & nice, I find it sad that some old people dismiss all people whose faces have no wrinkles as being too young & inexperienced to ‘matter’, almost, & that the younger people judge according to gray hair & wrinkles.

I wonder how many more or less friends we’d have if we all looked like robots, each of us identical, with no indication of how long we’d been hanging out on the planet. 20 months ago

oncekelhard lives

i found a cousin of a friend’s ancestor who, at age 60, was a black prisoner at Parchman Farm (Mississippi State Penitentiary). That place has a long, ugly history, & its residents weren’t always convicted with crime as even a side issue. I don’t know the man’s story, if he was a serious criminal or simply an irritation to some local white people, but I can’t help feeling a shiver about the densely packed memories of suffering that must lie about that location. 20 months ago

oncekelokay, & these are some I like, myself

the Inkheart Trilogy by Cornelia Funke
the Nicholas Flamel series by Michael Scott
the Ranger’s Apprentice series/John Flanagan
the Septimus Heap series/Angie Sage
the Dreamhouse Kings series/Robt Liparulo
the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman/Brian
the Vampirates series (older teens)/Justin
Tamora Pierce has good titles, too. 22 months ago

oncekelsome of the

people who have several generations of people who lived in some of those Louisiana parishes inherit an incredible mix of backgrounds. I’m jealous 22 months ago


it’s weird how a long-term addiction can just go away after awhile. Total loss of interest. 22 months ago

oncekeladdictions - a few, but

not the usual stuff. Nothing that ever threatened to derail my life, thank god. I saw way too much of that in friends & family.

Strange, though, what things can become addictive.

Exercise, becoming a “collector” of something, some PC game, even following a blog.

Maybe right now I’m addicted to avoiding certain things… 22 months ago


tweets or twitters.

I’m not all that social.

I was surprised that the quality of interaction on 43T is a lot better than I’d originally predicted – way better than a bunch of random people I sit with on public transit, which is how I viewed all Inet social sites.

FB is semi-okay, too. I keep 2 accts – one mostly for family & mutual friends of family, making it easier to stay in contact without ever having to speak live or by phone, another for online people, mostly ones I met at 43T. I’m not all that active on either account, but the family one is for self-defense & the other is because some of the Inet people I met, I just don’t want to give up or lose touch with entirely. They are really nice & very interesting. It’s maybe a selfish thing on my part, since I don’t participate as much as just check in on them. but, hey, i’m not all that great with people in person, either – geek/outsider/ that’s me! 22 months ago

oncekelvampires and werewolves

I’ve always loved a good vampire book or movie. Still do, although the big vampire fad brought on by those fucking stupid Twilight books has tons of vampire slag getting produced right now. That’ll pass.

Werewolves – never much interested in them, although the main one in the Buffy series was okay, and I do like the BBC Being Human, or did like it.

No obsessions, though 22 months ago


yeah, looks are bound to make a difference, but no two people have the same likes & dislikes when it comes to connecting with someone, and a person’s looks can be viewed way differently after I get to know them.

Looks can matter, but there’s no predicting who will be seen as attractive & who will be seen as unappealing to which viewer.

The media plays on stereotypes & gets it all wrong. 22 months ago


capital punishment – as hard as it is to let some scumbag assholes live after what they’ve done, I don’t think killing people is the answer overall. No.

corporal punishment in schools? No. No. Yes, I was a recipient of such despite of legal ban. It is a sign of a teacher out of control, unable to deal with kids in helpful, instructive ways. 22 months ago

oncekelI have a hard time seeing the point

Stumbling thru life from a childhood lacking direction or common sense discussion from any nearby adult, into flailing thru young adulthood, able to just barely grasp a clue abt how to get an education to take me in a general direction I might enjoy & life with. Plowing thru day to day requirements of work, sleep, work, sleep, build a foundation of a life, get a place to live, build up friendships, work, sleep, work, sleep, hit and miss with the opposite sex, one or two ‘real’ relationships, work, sleep, work, sleep, family shit & good stuff, work, sleep, recognize & fight off inner demons, have my heart ripped right the fuck out of my body suddenly and permanently just weeks away from joining up with a wife & child, work, fuckin work, work more, sleep when possible, work.

So, years go by. MIddle age approaches. Lessons learned, view expands of self & others, & realizations of more lessons needed to learn. Wisdom acquired thru experience, reflection on experience, work, sleep, work, sleep…

Does it all just lead to getting even older, a gradual shift from having to work to retiring & being able to have more choice of daily activities, work or interests, a different phase of life, not being ‘out there’ in the mad rush rat race, but having, finally, the experience & wisdom you sure as hell could have used back when you were in the middle of all that & having to make important decisions amid chaos.

So what the hell good is the wisdom thus acquired? In old age, most of it applies to past life stages, not the here & now of the older years. Younger people don’t want to hear it – and they probably shouldn’t bother since your experience & what you gained from it was created inside you, your unique needs, & who can say if it’d do anyone else any good anyway. As the body wears down & the pace of life must be slowed, no matter how active the brain still is, a phase of reflective pondering seems to be what people tell me sets in in one’s life.

More learning from the past? More details on self-awareness, more focus & ability to work on one’s fears, weaknesses, strengths, inner snags? WHAT GOOD WILL IT DO THEN? What’s the friggin’ point then?

Maybe it’s because I haven’t reached that reflective, wise, pondering thought stage of life, but I’m not sure what good it does. Okay, if a soul passes thru this life & moves on, I guess a process of facing oneself, dealing w/the inner bullshit, coming to some sort of inner peace before moving thru the death portal into the next stage – yeah, that’d make sense. And that’d provide a good reason for having these bodies slow down & wear out, forcing us to stop our manic activities & stop & think abt things.

Otherwise, there just ain’t no point to nothin’ 22 months ago

oncekelaw geez

tooo much stress this week
biggest item – waiting for word on brother’s scheduled hearing & possible trial date. maniacal lying scum who filed false charges were fighting having some vital documentation blocked from use. hope the judge realizes exactly why – because it would unveil their maniacal lies!! hopefully, common sense will take the day.
also:shit, nevermind. stuff that can’t be fixed doesn’t deserve to be ranted about.
maybe i’ll review a few of those meditative yoga positions and try to find the zone of peace and serenity… 2 years ago

oncekelis it possible for a man to

dump all he knows & holds familiar, grab a select choice of belongings & whatever cash he can gather & just go live on a beach for the rest of his life without big regrets later? (or house-sit in a friend’s house on the beach for a couple of years, anyway?)

Sounds so good. The fact that I’m twisting into a pretzel over the decision leads me to think that I’m not quite the easy vagabond I dream of being.

Oh, it can be so tempting to chuck it all & peel out sometimes. Do people actually do that successfully – like I mean without ending up homeless & also miserable when they get old?

Yeah, I could use a good dog’s company right about now. Cats are fine – all animals are great, but a dog is better suited for this kind of situation, is all. 2 years ago

oncekelI'm popping into this late,

but the photo of Woody Allen wasn’t posted at the very start was it?? 2 years ago

oncekelthe ones still

living are 2 cat brothers. I’m very near to adopting another dog. A smaller one this time. It’s just strange not having a dog around. 2 years ago


mostly I really do carry mine around in my head so I can slip into it any time, any place, any chair, etc. Maybe someday I’ll have a study just like Sherlock Holmes or someone – paneled walls, small fireplace, great looking bookcases, & comfortable leather chairs. No opium, though, of course. :D That’d be easier to acquire than a private little valley in a mountain range where I can ban all other humanoids & their noises. 2 years ago


goes for me, too 2 years ago


Mildly sick feeling – I get quiet & just get on with the job.

If I’m really sick, I withdraw & don’t want to interact with anybody, just want to zone out into my sick-time altered state of consciousness until I’m well again. I’ve been told that as a patient I’m “no fun at all” for someone who likes to play doctor. 2 years ago

oncekelOh, um,

I know I’m coming in really late on this thread. I haven’t been checking in at 43T much at all, but I did today & wanted to add a big pile of my own encouragement here. I know a little about family & depression & baggage & health problems, and I also know you’ve (Poetry Man) had a heck of a difficult series of experiences the past few years. I’m sure, though, that you’ve got a ton of skills & perceptions & abilities & stuff to create & express & to share, so you definitely rate all the encouragement available. 2 years ago

oncekelmaybe this

picture is better – whichever one fits best, you are the close-up shot, starring in your own life. Those other people are down there in the background.

Okay, to be totally accurate in some weird way, each of your family members & acquaintances would also be in their own picture with themselves in the close-up shot & you’d be one of the people in the street below, a background character in their life – but I know you get the idea!! 2 years ago

oncekelgreat input

The common sense, reality of dissertation-life advice above all sounds good.

When you describe your family’s reactions & the people they know & all, it’s like you’re posting from inside a cave with them all & no one in there is used to viewing things from the outside or even from another cave’s point of view.

If you’ve been in there with them, it can be hard to keep your own perspective, even when you know that they don’t know your world at all as well as you do.

YOU are the one who is starring in your life & all those people will fade more & more into the distance as you continue on (see picture).

You don’t owe them a detailed, confessional-style explanation for anything. I like the simple, sensible stuff the others have written. It’s too bad your parents jumped the gun before anything was finalized – not your fault. 2 years ago

oncekel 2 years ago

oncekelimaginary world

I sort of use an imaginary world to help me relax at night. I’ve used it for several years for that reason. An unspoiled area inaccessible to people in general, populated by a small-ish group of like-minded, good people, animals, and a nice climate. I have a small, comfortable home there, a couple of good neighbors, and I do a walk through, breathing deeply & letting my guard down whenever I need to un-tense myself. 2 years ago

oncekelif you

manage to keep being yourself, you’ll never feel “old” inside, you’ll just feel like “you.” That’s the best way to be, whatever age you find yourself at. 2 years ago

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