Draco

So I’m continuing to navigate my way through this thing I’m starting to learn is my quarterlife crisis. So many things have changed that I’m essentially living a whole new life. The thing is, I still feel very much like a college student. It’s been a hard identity to abdicate. And whereas before the goals were so concrete and laid out before me, now my core purpose is so much more abstract. I need a goal, I need to feel ambitious. I think the harsh realities of the real world have caused me to lose a lot of the anything-is-possible, optimistic attitude I had while I was a student. My career aspirations and personal interests are all being challenged now, because my needs are changing, my expectations have changed, and I am changing. I’ve noticed I’m much wiser than I was a year ago. Somehow, the loss of my naivete has been bittersweet. The world seemed so simple and harmless before; now it doesn’t necessarily seem worse. . . just with every decision I make, there is a whole lot more to consider in than I ever had realized.
Sometimes I miss the simplicity I remember. In terms of problem solving, I definitely think much more completely now, and I realize that adulthood is a lot of hard work. With the great freedom comes great responsibility. 2 days ago

I’m not sure what my peers from my graduating class are doing with their lives, because I avoid Facebook like the plague. But if they aren’t getting married and starting families, I wonder what they’re doing. I feel like I’ve been essentially living to work. My social life was much more colorful and active in college. Since then, it seems like nothing’s left in life except to somehow find a way to quickly procreate to make the miserably mundane 9 to 5 worthwhile. I don’t really see romance or children in my near future, so it’s going to be interesting to see what I end up doing with myself. For now I’m just trying to build a reputation for myself at work. Besides that, I clean and decorate my apartment in my spare time, and try new recipies in the kitchen. It’s a pretty peaceful, quiet existence. Not the most exciting life, but for now it is what it is. I want to figure out how to have more fun and be more social, but I don’t know how to make new friends.

My dream life would have me going on late night trips to New York City to drink and party, or random overnight stays in Atlantic City over the weekend. How fun it would be to know people all over and be able to take on such adventures. I’d love that. That’s what I want in my life: spontaneity. 2 weeks ago

“Catch My Breath”

I don’t wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I’ve spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I’ve spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go,
turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won’t be told what’s supposed to be right
Catch my breath,
no one can hold me back, I ain’t got time for that
Catch my breath,
won’t let them get me down, it’s all so simple now

Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I’ll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith kinda comes around
I’ll spent the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go,
turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won’t be told what’s supposed to be right
Catch my breath,
no one can hold me back, I ain’t got time for that
Catch my breath,
won’t let them get me down, it’s all so simple now

You help me see the beauty
in everything
Catching my breath, letting it go,
turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won’t be told what’s supposed to be right

Catching my breath, letting it go,
turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won’t be told what’s supposed to be right
Catch my breath!
Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain’t got time for that
Catch my breath,
won’t let them get me down, it’s all so simple now
(it’s all so simple now!)

Catching my breath, letting it go,
turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won’t be told it’s supposed to be right
Catch my breath!
Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain’t got time for that
Catch my breath
Catch my breath, won’t let them get me down,
it’s all so simple now 3 weeks ago

bad that I don’t write here as much as I used to. For several years, this Goal was the only escape from my overwhelming depression and unhappiness. I visit this page often still, and my darkest, most suicidal moments are by no means a distant memory. I try to remain realistic about this. I know that I need to constantly keep monitoring myself. Like I said before, chronic depression is like diabetes. Or a virus living inside of you that never really dies—it always has to be kept in-check. It takes so much practice to defeat old thinking patterns and let go of old unhealthy coping habits. It’s never easy!
My life is so different now though. In many ways, I feel reborn. The distance I have from my parents and stepparents is like being able to breathe for the first time. Finally I am able to make my own decisions and plans, and do what I wanna do. I do everything for me: I purchase and prepare my own meals, clean my kitchen and living room, sit on my couch and watch my TV. It feels like the sun is coming out for the first time in my life.
I renewed my lease. I’ve been on my own for a year now. It’s officially been a year, and I am so proud of that accomplishment; almost overwhelmed by that accomplishment! I do very much love my apartment and the area I live now. I feel . . . safe. That’s an awesome feeling.
I take life one day at a time still. Any more than that is just too much. One foot in front of the other is how I move forward.

Basically, in a word . . . I’m recovering. :-) 3 weeks ago

I am glad that you are OK and not hurt. 4 weeks ago

How have you been self-harming, and why? I think asking yourself “why” could take you far in figuring out how to make progress toward a solution. 4 weeks ago

too much free time destroys me. Working keeps me from getting stuck inside my head or dwelling on the past. 4 weeks ago

On the commute home (I commute by train), this one really loud girl was talking with a friend about someone who died recently by walking in front of a train. Rather than questioning why on earth someone would take his/her own life, she was complaining about the inconvenience that the deceased’s actions caused for the passengers on that particular train.

Loud Girl said, “what ever happened to just slitting your wrists or sucking on a tailpipe? There are ways to kill yourself without bothering other people.”

I was made livid by her remarks. I wanted to smack her and cuss her out. I maintained composure, though. I turned to her and simply said, “THERE IS NO WAY TO KILL YOURSELF WITHOUT BOTHERING OTHER PEOPLE.”

If her mother or friend “sucked on a tailpipe,” or just “slit her wrists,” I’m sure Loud Girl would be, at the very least, somewhat bothered.

How shallow and unbelievably insensitive. She can go to hell for all I care. 1 month ago

What kinds of things make you feel better? 1 month ago

when I was in college, any time off would basically terrify me. The lack of structure in off-time made me anxious and depressed and made me feel like there was no purpose in the day. I took summer classes and even classes over the long winter break just to keep myself focussed on something. 1 month ago

My first apartment was deep in the rural center of the state. I wouldn’t say I’m a “city boy,” but I’ve spent my whole life in, near, or around the City of Philadelphia. I went to college in the city, and now work full-time in the city. The pace of the city and the suburban region surrounding it feels entirely natural to me. It is home.

There was something mystical about the three months I spent out in the country though back in 2011. I miss the wide open spaces and beautiful mountain views of central Pennsylvania. I miss the feeling of being in some place totally different. I miss the smell of the mountain air. I miss the dirt-cheap rent. I miss the pretty Sesquehanna. I would never want to . . . live there again . . . But I sure would love to visit. 1 month ago

I was just “diagnosed” a couple months ago after a whole year of digestive issues. All my favorite foods were breads. Every morning I started the day with a cinnamon raisin bagel, or cereal, and on weekends it was french toast. French toast was my all-time favorite food, hands-down. Losing that is like losing a loved one.
Clearly, though, the French toast was a deceiver! All it did was hurt me! I deserve foods that treat me right :-)

Yes, the gluten was the root of my stomach problems. Since switching to gluten-free eating, my digestive system has been functioning like a normal person’s should, with the occasional mishap if I accidently eat something with gluten in it. 1 month ago

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it much here (because I’ve been trying consistently to live in quasi-denial) but over the past 12+ months, I’ve suffered from serious, chronic stomach pains and digestive issues. I didn’t mention it much because for most of that time I’ve been in denial.

How can you be in denial of something so prevalent and painful, you ask? Easy. I figured I had a “sensitive stomach.” My doctor said I had I.B.S. (irritable bowel syndrome).

Well, a few months ago, when I could not take the daily moaning bouts of diahrrea no longer, I went to the hospital and took some lab tests and was diagnosed with gluten sensitivity, because I didn’t have enough problems already.

I had to do a lot of research. I bought some books, because I didn’t know much about gluten at all, let alone its relationship to my digestive problems. As it turns out, gluten, simply put, is a protein found in wheat. This means, everything baked using flour (all pastries, breads, waffles, pancakes, bagles, cookies, pizza), or coated with flour or bread crumbs (like fried chicken or breaded shrimp and fish) contains gluten.

These foods now make me ill/sick, literally. They cause me to get sick with intense nausea and awful stomach pain.

I’ve had to give up the majority of my favorite foods. Most of the things on the list of 100 things that made me happy were wheat-based foods, like French Toast and waffles. I can still have them, but they must be gluten-free brands (which are always more expensive and not always easy to find).

Today’s stressor was that I had a horrible, agonizing stomach ache after eating an extra bowl of frosted flakes this morning, which I did not know contain gluten in the malt flavoring. Dealing with this has really been a challenge. Like I mean really. I’ve had to practice learning to eat all over again basically. 1 month ago

I just woke up from a horrible nightmare. In it, I got arrested for driving after having one drink. A hearing was scheduled and I was looking for an attorney I could afford. I was facing 6-7 weeks in the county jail if convicted. I was going to lose my job and my apartment. Every time I drifted back to sleep, the nightmare just resumed. It was so vivid and frightening and real. And now that it’s over, I just feel terribly exhausted.
Life with ptsd. 1 month ago

Do not give up. Don’t let the bad emotions sabatoge your life! You are bigger than they are. Emotions come and go like seasons. Don’t end your life because it’s a really cold winter, or a really dark night. 1 month ago

Working through my ptsd and traumatization. We covered a lot of ground tonight. He is very, very encouraging. 1 month ago

Chances are, I’m going to require some type of ongoing psychotherapy for the rest of my existence. The emotional damage experienced in my adolescent years could take decades to overcome. At least that’s how it feels for now. Hopefully I won’t feel trapped in my seventeen year old form for the rest of my life. 2 months ago

What kinds of thoughts do you have about yourself, your life, and the world around you when you are depressed? At what point in life did you begin feeling depressed? What was going on? Are there certain memories that make you depressed? Do you have anxiety about the future? Are there ongoing problems in your life that seem insurmountable?

How is your self-esteem? How do you feel about your body? Your education and employment? Your talents? Do you feel you have anything special or valuable about you? How do you feel about your accomplishments in life? How would you rate your social and romantic life on a scale of one to ten? 2 months ago

I am beginning to think that my medications are hindering my ability to feel. Maybe it’s time to have the dose reduced. My medications might not be as necessary as they were in the past. I believe I have been finding myself feeling a bit numb/lifeless and restrained. Medications are nothing to take lightly, but my fear is that they may soon be doing more harm than good if I am now able to funtion without them. I’m tired of not having any sex drive and feeling so heavily tranquilized. 2 months ago

Depression totally obliterated my teen years. Totally obliterated them. In that regard, I’m not that much inspiration. Honestly, the teen years seem like the longest time in life. After that, time starts going so much faster it seems.

The years 15-19 seemed like an eternal prison. Trust me when I say those years are NOT what the rest of your life will be like. Those years are just freakish, at least they were for me. 2 months ago

Bupropion works so well for me. It’s something how different medications affect each person differently. 2 months ago

“Lucky
”
This is a story about a girl named Lucky

Early morning, she wakes up
Knock, knock, knock on the door
It’s time for make-up, perfect smile
It’s you they’re all waiting for
They go,
“Isn’t she lovely, this Hollywood girl?”
And they say:

“She’s so lucky, she’s a star”
But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking
If there’s nothing missing in my life
Then why do these tears come at night?

Lost in an image, in a dream
But there’s no one there to wake her up
And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning
But tell me what happens when it stops?
They go,
“Isn’t she lovely, this Hollywood girl?”
And they say,

[Chorus]

“Best actress, and the winner is, Lucky!”
“I’m Roger Johnson for Pop News standing outside the arena waiting for Lucky.”
“Oh my god, here she comes!”

Isn’t she lucky, this Hollywood girl?
She is so lucky, but why does she cry?
If there’s nothing missing in her life
Why do tears come at night? 2 months ago

You know that. But then what happens, after your high is gone and there’s no more weed, and the money you needed for more important things seems to be disappearing as you smoke it up and your problems are still sitting there in front of you. It’s “part 2,” the sequel if you will, the second half of the image that we don’t like to think about. . . but we all know in the end that these quick fixes are not worth the trouble.

For me it was cutting. I got tired of the sequel for that one. What sequel? Oh you know . . . covering up the cuts with long sleeves in summer; making excuses, lying, making up stories to explain why there were always fresh scars all over my arms, having people worry about me and constantly asking questions. Feeling more alone than ever because I just buried my pain more from everyone else with more lies and deception. It wasn’t worth whatever quick burst of psuedo-relief I needed in the moment when I was overwhelmed and decided to harm myself. 2 months ago

As of February 26, my probation period is done! It was not extended until August. Great!

So when will I feel like I can relax a little? 2 months ago

I plan to get a new(er) car in the next six months definitely. 2 months ago