rosewilder

Walked 3 miles. Very happy with my progress.
May total: 26 miles.

I only wrote a tiny bit today, but a tiny bit is better than nothing. Go me!

I haven’t been my usual happy self the last few days. I’m having trouble staying grateful and positive. I know part of it is PMS, but I’m concerned. I slept over three hours in the middle of the day today, and that is after a decent night’s sleep the night before. I hope I’m not coming down with something.

I’m upset about my work, and more importantly, not making the changes I need to not be upset about it. I don’t even want to look at my email because I’ll get upset. It can’t stay like this, and the change has to be all in my attitude.

I want to be bold and brave and pursue joy, and all the things I wrote about yesterday, but I don’t know exactly how to go about being that way. What steps can I take towards that? 18 hours ago

I am sitting in the snack area of the local ice-skating rink. I took my almost-11-year-old and her friend to Friday night DJ skate.

They are giggling and staring at boys. I am watching at a discreet distance. Frogette’s friend has already gone through puberty, and Frogette, while flat, is gorgeous, so the boys are looking back.

If it was 1981, this would have been my mother taking a friend and I to the roller rink. I am watching them, and thinking, “It wasn’t so long ago that this was me.” (Although the boys didn’t look so much.) I feel like this is a definitive moment in my life. The passing of the torch.

Next, middle school. 18 hours ago

So I got some reflection questions from the internet and spent some time completing them. Here is my reflection on the first third of 2013:

2. What am I most proud of? What do I most regret in the first third of 2013?
Most proud of submitting my story to the contest. I most regret worrying what unkind people said or did (not respecting myself).

3. What do I want my intention to be for the next third of 2013?
I want to feel great about myself- physically, mentally, and psychologically. I want to be brave and bold, making myself fulfilled and happy.

5. What was the smartest decision you made this first third of 2013?
Entering the contest and making time to finish my story.

6. What do you wish you had done more of?
Eaten more healthy, walked more, wrote more, and, had more fun.

7. What do you wish you had done less of in the first third of 2013?
I wish I had done less of what other people wanted me to do and I wish I had worried less about what unkind people (S., my in-laws, etc) thought about me.

8. Who made you laugh the most?
Frog

9. Did you suffer illness or injury in the first third of 2013?
This has been a very healthy last few months overall. I haven’t had an illness or had to go to the doctor at all. I credit the walking.

10. How did you manage your stress?
In a pretty healthy way- by taking a long walk. I would, however, like to add more mediation/guided relaxation to this regimen, as I have a lot of stress lately from my fluctuating schedule and my parenting/work conflicts.

11. What do you wish you would have done differently in regards to your health?
Made more healthy food choices and brushed and flossed better.

12. When did you feel most inspired at work?
The only time I feel inspired at work is when I teach a class or (better yet) do a presentation.

13. What is one way you grew professionally in the first third of 2013?
Sigh. I am feeling very stagnant professionally right now. I guess I acquired some minor technological skills.

14. What was your greatest challenge at work?
Self- confidence and dealing with a very poor supervisor.

16. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this first third of 2013?
The internet (minus 43 things).

17. What was the best way you used your time?
Being with friends.

18. What was your beditme and wake up time?
Too late and too late. I need to go to sleep and wake up earlier.

19. If you had more time this first third of 2013, what would you have done with it?
Walked and written more, or seen friends more.

20. I would use a magic wand to
change my self-esteem.

21. I want to repeat
the fun times I’ve had with family and friends.

22. I was embarrassed by
gaining back the weight I lost in the juice fast.

23. I lost
time that I wasted.

24. I gained
experience.

25. I felt most alive when
having fun with good friends.

26. What do I want to let go of?
My clutter- my “just in case” possessions.

27. What do I want to embrace?
Self- confidence and joy.

28. What risks do I want to take?
Being more forthright.

29. What joy do I want to pursue?
Israeli dancing, beach visits, and laughing with friends.

30. How do I want to change?
I want to be braver, bolder, and have more confidence in myself. 1 day ago

I wish you a wonderful birthday celebration, and the best year ever for you. 1 day ago

Walked 3 miles.
May total: 23 miles.

Wrote a little more. ; )

I went to sleep early last night, and then woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep. Yuck. That bad night’s sleep, combined with PMS, made me feel very vulnerable today to S.’s usual disapproval of me. Then I was disappointed in myself that I am still letting him get to me. I should have more self-confidence and a thicker skin by now, but I don’t. I hate feeling not good at my job and really resent the complete lack of communication except when he thinks I’ve done something wrong, and the worst part is that it is completely in my power to make the situation better by not caring so much, and I can’t seem to do that.

Yuck. 1 day ago

because the internet might be interested in my answer.

I do NOT believe in love at first sight. Too rational for that. I’m crazy about my husband, but our love took quite some time to develop. However….
my father met my mother 56 years ago. He swears that he fell in love with my mother the first time he saw her coming down the stairs at a friend’s basement.
When I was a teenager, and a young adult, I figured that my father was extremely attracted to my mother at first sight, and then fell in love, and rationalized it/altered the memories in his mind. But now, I’m not so sure anymore. My dad is a pretty rational person, and I figure he’s considered all the arguments against the irrational notion of love at first sight. Yet he believes he did fall in love with my mother the first moment he saw her.
56 years later, they are still happily married, with all the usual ups and downs but the sustained love and romantic passion of a great marriage.
So who am I to say he’s wrong? 3 days ago

I get happy.
; ) 3 days ago

when you are coming. 3 days ago

You must be in great shape.
How long does that take? 3 days ago

I don’t mind if the kids give me a homemade card or letter (in fact, I cherish those), or even an art project, but no storebought junk. 3 days ago

But since those are usually homemade, I don’t mind so much. However, I understand your general principle. 3 days ago

I am so grateful for:

1. Finishing today’s work on time to get in a good, long walk.

2. My increased stamina that let me go longer and faster than I used to.

3. Pulling off a delightful Mother’s Day get-together.

4. All the yummy leftovers in the house from the above.

5. Finding frozen veggies (lightly seasoned Asian steam bag) that my girls will happily eat.

6. Barbara Streisand’s powerful, lovely voice.

7. Cat pheromone plug-ins that seem to have calmed my older, cranky cat down. 3 days ago

Wrote a little, walked a lot.

May total: 20 miles.

I realized that I have completely forgotten how important it is to get enough sleep. That will have to be a priority again. 3 days ago

one of my top ten highlights of my life memories is of you standing on my basement couch showing me how you spin wool. 4 days ago

about your thoughts and feelings. 4 days ago

I have put a moratorium on presents for any of the minor holidays- the ones pushed by greeting card companies like Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day, etc. NO chocolates, no flowers, no nothing but maybe an excuse to have the extended family or friends together.

I love hearing your thoughts. 4 days ago

Walking had to go by the wayside for the most part while I worked late and cleaned in the hours I had before bedtime.
The good news is that I got that spring cleaning done that I’d neglected last month!
May total: 17 miles.

I did have time for a wee bit of research and writing. (I am very content to go as slowly as I am with the writing, as long as there is some movement.)

Starting Monday, I am going to spend some time reflecting to tackle that insightful question asked by my old friend, and see how I can restructure things to make sure I am getting all the joy I deserve out of life. 6 days ago

That’s exactly what I did. So when I didn’t have time for 24-32, I just said, “Oh, well, my guests will love me despite the windowsills not being scrubbed. At least they were dusted.”
; ) 6 days ago

Enjoy the color. 1 week ago

Walked: 2 miles.
May total: 13 miles.

Wrote: Still working on the research. I hope to get back to the fun part by Friday.

Cleaned: I have a list of 32 things to clean before my Mother’s Day gathering and I’ve crossed off 7. 1 week ago

excellent advice. 1 week ago

I really appreciate your thoughts. 1 week ago

Walked 2 miles.
May total: 11 miles.

This is going to be a very difficult week. Frog is working overtime, and so am I, and then for my third shift, I have to prepare the entire outside and inside for having the family over on Mother’s Day. I’m going to have to do all that spring cleaning that I neglected for the April bootcamp!

I need to stay focused and use my time wisely. 1 week ago

I appreciate your thoughts. 1 week ago

I saw L. for the first time in 25 years yesterday. (I thought that we were both the same as we were at 17, which amused me to no end, but that’s another story.) She commented on Tadpole as a go-getter, and I told her how I wanted to be Tadpole when I grew up- how she grabbed all the joy from life.

L said, “Why don’t you do that?”

Boom.

That question profoundly affected me. I hadn’t meant it as a complaint about my own life, just as a compliment to Tadpole and her strong will. However, as generally content as I usually think of myself, her mild question (we didn’t follow it up with more conversation, as our attention was turned somewhere else) is making me realize that I have a lot to do to live up to this goal. 1 week ago

I was in EM [my childhood hometown] again, walking on C. Ln. where R who I used to babysit lived. I was walking north past C. Dr. which led to M. Ave. when three girls in burqas came down C. Dr. behind me onto C. Ln. I felt bad for them that they were all covered up on such a warm day.
They walked to their mother, who was tending a fire on the curb, and she said a prayer with them and gave them something to drink. I realized it was Ramadan.

As I walked past their house, I saw that the street was covered in thick sheets of duct tape, multiple bright colors with beautifully intricate mosaic-like designs. It was lovely. As I walked on north, [the street was longer and narrower than actual], the houses on the street dramatically changed.

I walked past a few Jerusalem stone, big and beautiful buildings. One of them had a stone patio with walls and a roof, long rectangles cut out for big windows and no glass. [Like the entryway to the kibbutz school]. I walked in, and it was the “lobby” of a multi-story house and what seemed like a smaller apartment, although I couldn’t tell the size from the outside. I went up the stone stairs from the open lobby to look at the house. Rather than being the typical suburban house with a flat lawn, this house was three stories, but narrow, made of that white/gold gorgeous Jerusalem stone, and each floor had small outdoor spaces, like terraces but with solid ground, dirt and flowers and plants, little nooks and crannies all over to sit in. I was entranced, in love. I wanted to live there so badly, and although I knew I probably couldn’t afford it, I thought that maybe I could afford the apartment, if it were ever for rent or sale.

I walked back south on the street, and saw, to my surprise, an open- air bar, made of the same Jerusalem stone, rectangles cut out for windows, and I walked into the bar and leaned out of one of the windows. The bar looked out onto a lake [where Ch. St. should have been], and I was delighted- I would come to this bar every day if I could. As I leaned out farther, peering around the corner [looking where M. Ave. should have been], I saw that the lake led into a larger bay or sound of some sort. There were all sorts of boats on the sound, and then I saw the area around the sound. There were wide roads, where throngs of people walked, and large, architecturally beautiful buildings. It looked like Europe! I was amazed that all of this was right here, in EM.

[Hm- more discovering amazing, expanded living areas in formerly known places. Hm. I couldn’t shake this dream from my thoughts when I woke up. Not sure if it’s just a wish fulfillment dream or a message of some sort of psychic growth trying to happen.] 1 week ago

1. Writing: I researched a few things I need to get straight about this time period. Lots more research to do.

2. Walking: 6 miles, pushing myself to go briskly. Yeehah!
May total: 9 miles.

3. Self-Nurturing: I talked to Frog about some of the things that were bothering me.

4. Pursuing Joy and Pleasure: I went to see J and I and their new baby today, and I surprised me by inviting over an old friend of ours that I hadn’t seen in person in 25 years. It was an amazing experience to see her again! 1 week ago

I love this theme!

In May, I will bloom and grow by
1. Writing- my new project
2. Walking- pumping up the mileage and speed
3. Nurturing myself- in body, mind, and heart
4. Pursuing joy and pleasure- I want to love my life every day.

Today, I walked three miles, and I did it FAST. I want to make my exercise more intensive now. I want to be strong and fit!
May total: 3 miles.2 weeks ago

of things to do!

Go you! 2 weeks ago