How is it that your smile can make my entire day? 2 hours ago
Today I’m grateful for…
1.) Cell phones which connected me and my favorite running buddy this morning.
3.) Jeanette Winterson’s words: “What kills love? Only this: Neglect. Not to see you when you stand before me. Not to think of you in the little things. Not to make the road wide for you, the table spread for you. To choose you out of habit not desire, to pass the flower seller without a thought. To leave the dishes unwashed, the bed unmade, to ignore you in the mornings, make use of you at night. To crave another while pecking your cheek. To say your name without hearing it, to assume it is mine to call.” (Winterson, Written on the Body) 2 hours ago
I need a desk.
I need to clean out the stuff that’s in there and organize the closet in there.
I need a computer. I need internet at my house. I don’t have a lot of that, but it doesn’t really matter that much, I don’t miss it that much. I kind of like not having internet at the house, aside from the fact that I can’t listen to streaming music and I can’t watch movies. That’s the only thing. 7 hours ago
1. What did I learn/remember last week?
2. What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week?
3. Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why?
4.What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week?
5. What can I do right now to make the week less stressful?
6. What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week?
7. What did I spend the most time on last week? Was that good or bad?
8. Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped?
9. What have I been avoiding that needs to get done?
10. What opportunities are still on the table?
11. Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to?
12. Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘thank you’?
13.How can I help someone else this coming week?
14. What are my top 4 goals for the next 3 months?
15. Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals?
16. What’s the next step for each goal?
17. What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week?
18. What are my fears?
19. For what am I most grateful?
20. What can I do to make life more beautiful today?* 7 hours ago
Today I’m grateful for…
1.) VINTAGE CLOTHES and the ATTENTION they get. Today I’m wearing my beautiful black and white canvas dress that my mom modified for me from my grandma’s closet. Yesterday I wore a FOUND pair of vintage red and white checked Levi’s and they got a lot of positive attention, too.
2.) Coach commenting on my “great form” and being right behind Aaron (one of the fasted guys on my running team) on the track.
3.) Passion Fruit Zico, coffee, and AJ’s blueberry muffins (AJ and PJ for sure as people) 1 day ago
Thursday, June 13
I’m grateful for…
1.) My ability to write moving poetry which changes people and changes me.
2.) My slow, heavy beautiful Novara commuter bike
3.) The minute and a half that I rode my Novara bike with no hands down my street next to my house after a fun ride downtown.
Friday, June 14
I’m grateful for…
1.) My personal record that I got in the 5k yesterday which proves that I’m most definitely in the best shape of my life.
2.) DH, coach, and PJ my cheer squad at the race last night.
3.) AJ who did the race with me and ran back to the running store with me in the dark after the party. Also, the party-goers and Luke’s crew who invited us to sit with them, cracked jokes, and were overall really sweet, nice, funny, and delightfully drunk.
Saturday, June 15
I’m grateful for…
1.) The baristas at Austin Java who not only know me and say “hi” in a familiar nice way but who are also patient with me when I’m zonked after a workout.
2.) The team and coach’s support after my PR 19:28 – Coach saying that I need to start carrying around paper and a sharpie for autographs (Apparently I’m a running celebrity, cute, huh?)and AL for saying that he’s never ran a 19:28 on that course to very deeply complement me.
3.) The rush I got seeing the AA-S publisher rappel from the One America Center and the rush I got from doing something amazing like that event with my co-worker CT.
Sunday, June 16
I’m grateful for…
1.) Yoga with Zoe on Sundays at Pure Austin.
2.) My clean tub which I scrubbed for 25 minutes
3.) My ability to do over 100 lunges and still keep working my a$$ off after that.
Monday, June 17
I’m grateful for…
1.) Barton Springs being free after 9 p.m. and the clarifying feeling of jumping in with nothing holding me back.
2.)Introspection and all the journals I’ve kept throughout my life.
3.) Passion 2 days ago
I live from workout to workout. I’m going to be so cut up once I get through this.
I did over 100 lunges yesterday on my front porch after my trail run. 2 days ago
She said: “I’m going to have her edit this into something that people can digest, good start” (gee, thanks). 2 days ago
My writing buoys me. 4 days ago
I got 3rd overall female last night at the race; two professional athletes were in front of me by 1 minute, 30 seconds. 5 days ago
Called my sister for her b-day and you all will find out tomorrow if I win tonight. 6 days ago
My race is tonight. I don’t know the entire field that is going to show up, but I know that my legs have the ability to give whomever toes the line a run for it. I’m excited, I’m scared to face this interesting situation with me and several of my team-mates racing together. I know I am the strongest mentally and the fastest physically, it’s just execution and the belief in my own power that is going to take me to the finish line first. I hope to hear “Mercedes, lead woman, coming down the straight away” this evening. It will be yet another wonderful racing experience for me. Hopefully the clock reads 19:xx… 6 days ago
I’m getting nervous for the race tomorrow. 1 week ago
3 things I’m grateful for today:
1.) The espresso maker, and how 1% milk froths so well and meshes so well with Starbucks espresso.
2.) Hearing the sound of someone I love’s voice.
3.) Camila, who slept in the crook of my legs all night last night, not waking me up once. 1 week ago
I have a vast capacity for understanding and compassion. 1 week ago
To my friend PJ.
3 things today:
1.) My co-worker, CT, and his understanding of what motivates me.
2.) My quick wit.
3.) My deep, unending compasssion. 1 week ago
I’m still in so much pain, and it was punctuated by hours of crying this weekend. My eyes feel dry when I’m not crying, and I think it is because I’m not used to crying THIS MUCH.
I had a bout of tears in my car after running in the morning on Saturday morning, which felt good, but hard, too. Saturdays have been the hardest days, characteristically, in this mourning process. My friend DH says that “crying lets the sadness out” which I agree with, and I love. I think that quote is incredible, and I really adore him for saying it to me and being there for me. I thanked him for his support, which he said “I’m not sure what I did” and he thanked me back “for sharing my feminine energy.”
My massive loneliness which was punctuated further by hearing from my guy late on Saturday evening for the first time in weeks. I almost lost it. I flipped out. I wanted to punch things, to feel physical pain, to leap out of my skin. I called him. We talked for seven minutes on Saturday evening. We talked for an hour and a half on Sunday morning. We talked this morning, too. And it’s like my whole world is caught on fire again.
There is no ground. It has been burned out.
The only thing left is me. It’s like I’m flame retardant in the best way. 1 week ago
I need time and space yet the world feels like it’s crashing in on me. 1 week ago
You gotta want it. I want to win another race this year, not sure where it will be…I’m doing a 5k next Thursday night 6/13 at 8:00 p.m. —maybe I can win it. The winning time last year was 1 minute faster than my finishing time. I think I can be a minute faster, though, don’t you think!? WISH ME LUCK. I have to run at least sub 6:30 min/miles to even have a chance. 2 weeks ago
Finances: Trying to be careful, but honestly not that worried. I got a bonus at work, things are pretty steady here, I have a lot saved, I’m doing good this month and probably until I decide to move, if at all, will I need to worry about this again. I contemplated getting a room-mate, but I realized that doing that was a crutch and would distract me from the work that I need to do on myself right now. Though it would help financially and emotionally, I need to find my own two feet by myself right now.
Well-being: Last month I felt great, really excited and full of possibilities. A little bit of that faded as the month ended, and now it has faded to black. On the outside I’m doing great, on the inside I’m a mess. I’m okay with messy and I am ready to slowly but surely wade through the messy. I’m doing yoga more, still running like a crazy person, going to be cycling more, too.
living space: Moved all the furniture in the living room. It has a very zen feel from the kitchen now, which I like. It doesn’t so much matter how a house looks upon entry, I think, it actually matters more how it feels when you are in it. Next project: my bedrooms. Total revamp. My bedroom I want to move the bed and get rid of stuff hiding in the corners. My second bedroom I want to make into an office.
Interpersonal Relationships: Lots of things on the horizon, but I’m holding off anything serious for at least a few months. I have a lot to sift through, and I want to do so slowly. I am doing a lot of writing about getting through one of my most recent interpersonal relationships that has ended, and that has been helpful to get thoughts on paper. I have a notebook dedicated just to that person. I think this is healthy, and I’m going to continue to do it until I feel I am through the grief, loss, love, and longing. In terms of my long term relationship – things are more difficult. I’m pushing those thoughts aside, not dealing with anything when it comes to L right now. Which isn’t healthy, but it is a coping mechanism that I have adopted to “get through this” tough time. Maybe one day I’ll be able to be at peace with the end of that, figure out a way to talk about what we were, and move forward. That’s why time is necessary. B is not pushing anymore. C is pushing. I wish D was pushing, but D is far away. So many complicated things. My best friend asked if D took precedence, and I told her I really wasn’t sure. I’m so messy. I’m so muddy. It is going to take a while to clean off the mud.
Fitness: The team dynamic is changing a little bit. As new people come on and others leave, there is an ebb and flow to it that is unsettling. I wish that it could all still be the same, but as my cross country coach has been quoted and re-quoted, “if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” That is something that I’ve come to realize with my fitness, too. If I don’t put it all out there, if I don’t embrace the full burn, the deep pain, then I’m not going to get anywhere. I’m not going to win. I’m not only doing this to win, but I’m doing this to be the best that I can be and have success and happiness based on that. If winning happens when I feel I’m at my best or reaching for my best, then great. I won my second race on May 26. That was a huge athletic accomplishment for me – with a field of over 200 women behind me. Only 5 men were ahead of me. Two of them were my team-mates and one of them was my coach. It’s an accomplishment I won’t take lightly, and I will enjoy for the rest of my life. The feeling of crossing that finish line after giving it my absolute all, was incredible, indescribable. I’ve only won 2 races in my life, but in both of them it was during the last 400 meters or so that I paused inside of my head, stopped the pushing and thought for a minute “I’m really winning this. I’m first female. I’m winning this [5k, 8k] and it is really happening. I’m on top, and it feels divine.” It’s a precious winning moment that I’ll never forget. In my first win, it was the announcer saying it for me that made me realize it, and I was so filled with joy and excitement as I crossed the finish line I don’t really remember anything else. Simply looking at pictures of the wins inspire me. So yes, fitness is great. I’m dedicated to running with my team. I plan to bike ride this month, too.
Where’d I spend my energy? My inner life. My mind. Growing it. Reading. Listening to myself think. Taking time, walking places. Riding my bike. Running. Winning. Being LOVE. Being myself.
What’d I learn? I learned that even when you think the hurt is over, there can always be more hurt. But the depth of my emotionality is so great, so vast, that it still only scoops out a bit from the pit of pain, and I’ll always be okay. I’m that amazing. I’m that strong.
What areas of growth would I like to explore next month. Getting back on the bike. Hanging out with new people. Casual dating, NOTHING serious. Trying new things, figuring out how to do things alone. Being alone and being okay with being alone. Calling people, stop being so phone shy again, when did that come back up? Work it out. When all else fails, just do lunges, push ups, and sit ups. Get ripped. On the outside and on the inside. The depth of my well is unimaginable. 2 weeks ago
It’s inside of me. 2 weeks ago
Really is helping me, though he doesn’t know it. Pushing me to do things outside of my comfort zone. Usually this is the other way around—me getting someone else to do things outside THEIR comfort zone. I need to be careful at the things that I tell him, because wow, that was a powerful influence.
I am really surprised and how well it worked. I let myself be influenced by him and it felt good. It made a difference last night, it really did. He’s helping me get through this, and I hope that one day I can thank him for it. 2 weeks ago
Pain is something that I am skilled at navigating, and working through. 2 weeks ago
A friend of mine said yesterday that I am most beautiful when I’m grieving. That I grow so much stronger in grief. This mystifies and intrigues and inspires me. So that is why I brought this goal back onto my 43things. I’ve done the “get through this” thing before and rewarded myself accordingly after getting through and now there will be yet another reward at the end of my journey here. So much has happened to me recently that is painful and hard and would stop any person in their tracks. I organized the most stressful race to date for my job, a week later I survived the attacks of cowardice at the Boston Marathon, my baby niece was born the night of the marathon, my grandfather died that same week, I put helped organize the funeral, I came back home and went through emotional turmoil of a heart-break ending my relationship of 5 years. It’s been a wild two months. Yet I’m not stopping, maybe that’s what my friend is talking about. Adversity inspires me. Tough decisions inspire me. Hardship, sadness, and pain fuel me to be better, do more, and kick ass. I will try, because that’s all I really know how to do. 2 weeks ago
My battle is with myself and where I need to be (I realized it while running Boston) for the first time in a long time, I was running toward something—TOWARD FREEDOM. 2 weeks ago
My heart feels completed cracked, no, ripped, wide open. 3 weeks ago
How I did it: I made some tough decisions in my life. I talked to myself, I really LISTENED to myself think and realied that I was unhappy. I loved and lost, and then moved forward. I am going through a vast transformation right now, full of beautiful decisions that I am both proud of and inspired by. Read how I did it… 3 weeks ago