sicktotheheart

and realizing the changes I need to make in order to attract that sort of person. I will admit that I can be quite lazy, and this will require effort.
My first goal is essentially to be more altruistic, although that is a vague way of putting it. So i will have to limit the time for my selfish pursuits, and that is hard when you work full-time….in your off hours you really just want to vegetate :X

I’ve dated a lot of guys who “looked good on paper”, but too much in common can be boring!
You need someone to stimulate your mind and widen your perspective.
And good for you for trying to value yourself more and not be the “pass-around girl”.

That site is NOT a man-hating site. It encourages women to work with their partners towards having a fulfilling sex life. I recently found it and I think it is the best resource online for vaginismus. Sometimes it gets a little harsh on people who want sex, but I think it’s trying to overcompensate for the undue amount of importance society places on sex. Take that site with a grain of salt and you can learn a lot. I don’t agree with every point it makes, but it has a lot of good info.

It is clear, however, that if someone says something you do not want to hear, you twist it into something very extreme. I did not personally attack you at all, but you most certainly have personally attacked me and greatly, greatly twisted everything I wrote. I was quite compassionate and understanding, IMO. Before this post, I thought overall you were a decent guy with good intentions, but this post’s irrational outburst blew me away.

No one said to be “happy to die a virgin”, but sex is not the the central purpose to life. If you give it less importance then it won’t feel so frustrating to not be having it. Just keep things in perspective. Sometimes when you calm down about something, you can deal with it easier and find a solution. I guarantee you that simply having intercourse is not going to make you happy in your marriage….there are too many other issues going on.

Like I said before, you have much bigger issues in your marriage than vaginismus. A relationship that is otherwise healthy would be able to tackle vaginismus a lot easier. That’s the main point of that website: vag is a non-issue in a good relationship. Then, it is something that can be overcome with some patience. In a relationship with serious problems though, it just adds to them.

Please get therapy, even if alone. Your view of women and yourself is unhealthy. Suicidal thoughts are serious. Women are not superior to men, and not all that different from men either. We’re just human beings with different genitalia. You’re allowing your wife to manipulate you, and you don’t deserve that. So work on your own mental and emotional health, and then maybe you can deal with your wife better. It takes two people for a marriage though, and maybe you’ll get strong enough to realize you could be happier alone. Maybe your wife will come around and contribute more to making the marriage work.
In any, case, I wish you the best and hope you can get a handle on your situation.

It’s pretty normal to want to have sexual intercourse with your wife, but I think that people place too much importance on sex in general. It shouldn’t be the foundation for a marriage, and you can have a very fulfilling relationship without intercourse. I personally don’t think that intercourse is the most intimate experience for two people. I think that being close emotionally is far more intimate, and something that many people find even harder to achieve than sexual intimacy. Since when is sex a “need” anyway? You don’t need sex. You will not die without it, and you can be perfectly healthy without it. Dying a virgin is not tragic at all. There is so much more to life than sex.

Vaginismus does not have to be a lose-lose situation. It can bring couples closer really, and it sets the priorities straight for a marriage. Did you marry your wife, the woman, or her vagina? Sex is a plus in a marriage, not the reason for it.

Also, if willing, a woman can be very intimate and sexual with her husband, even with vaginismus. There’s many things you can do besides intercourse; get creative. It sounds like your wife has some interest in sex, so why not suggest exploring other routes to satisfy each other?
Some women with vaginismus may never get to the point where intercourse is painless or enjoyable. These women still deserve to love & be loved, like anyone. You may have to accept that your wife may be one of these women.

The fact that your wife avoids emotional intimacy sounds like a bigger problem. It seems to me, just from your posts, that there is likely some deep-rooted issues behind her vaginismus. Until she addresses the issues, she is not going to start dilating. Women who have vaginismus may have experienced sexual abuse, physical abuse, and/or emotional abuse; they may not be comfortable with their body and have been taught sex is “dirty; or they may have a fear from urban myths about painful first time sex with the hymen being forcefully broken. While vaginismus is a physical condition, it can be wrapped up with emotions and psychological issues that make it even more difficult to overcome, so these need to be addressed first. It may simply be a matter of her being more familiar with her body. Some women have never even looked at their vagina and seen the opening. Men don’t understand this, because attitudes towards women, their genitals and sexuality are different for them. It’s considered normal for men to be somewhat fascinated with their penis, but not so for women and their vaginas. It sounds to me like your wife does not even understand how her body works. Some women think you just lie there & the man does all the work. Maybe your wife needs some basic sex ed.

I might add, that being a “nice” woman does NOT mean you have to feel shame or guilt over vaginismus. It is NOT shameful and the woman has done nothing wrong; why should she feel guilt? She does not owe anyone sex.
Vaginismus is simply the body protecting itself from what it perceives to be an invasion. For some women, this is a benefit. Women risk a lot when they have sex: pregnancy, emotional pain, and even the way society views her. Vaginismus can be the body saying that they are not ready emotionally to handle these things, or that their partner is not the right person to risk that kind of vulnerability with.

If anything, shame and guilt would cause the reaction your wife is having: denial and pushing their partner away, even blaming him. You’ve labeled her vaginismus a “problem” that she won’t address, but she probably resents you telling her that something is wrong with her body, when her body is telling her that something else is wrong. She may not want to admit what that is, because it is too uncomfortable to look in the face.

So maybe change your perspective a bit. If the vaginismus is a symptom of a greater problem, then you need to find out what that is. It is wrong of her to put blame on you too, but in effect you’re doing the same thing to her. Stop the blame and work as a team. No one has a problem; it’s just a physical condition she has and you can be intimate in many ways without intercourse. Right now, the desperation and frustration is only going to compound it. Put sexual intercourse on the back burner for awhile, and try enjoying each other in other ways. See what reaction that suggestion prompts in your wife.

The best thing for you & your wife to do, IMO, is seek some sort of counseling. You can’t ask your wife to do this to fix her “problem” (that will just make her mad), you have to approach it in a “we need to work on our marriage” way. Put the vaginismus aside and address the other issues first, like communicating positively and being close emotionally. Find a therapist who has an understanding of vaginismus, but who also deals with other things. Don’t bring up vaginismus, but identify the symptoms so that the therapist can objectively tell your wife if she does indeed have vaginismus.

Also check out http://www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org/partners.htm