Beat my depression

I’ve been crying for the last half an hour, over what seems to be nothing.
I just needed to.

I don’t help myself on this.
I kinda expect others to come to me with no effort on my part. I have to start making an effort rather than complaining about it.

Looking at photos of when I was a baby / young kid make me sad.
If only both my mum and me knew what a wreck and what a loser and dickhead I’d become.

I want to be able to look at those photos and be happy. In other words, over come all my problems and make people proud of me and not ashamed.

Impossible when you have a family that doesn’t care and actually admits they are deliberatly nasty to me.

I am my own worst enemy.
I really am.
I can’t just leave things, no matter how pissed off they make me. I have to chase them, drag them in and mutilate them.
I’m such a loser.

“we’ve all been sorry, we’ve all been hurt. But how we survive is what makes us who we are.”
Beautiful. Absolutly beautiful.

I’ve been really angry lately.
really angry.
I lash out at the most trivial things.
Well, actually, it’s mostly over food things. I don’t have an eating disorder, but I do obsess over what I eat. Which causes arguments that are usually my fault.

This stems from my depression, and yet my depression thrives upon these arguments.

fuck this.
I finally get something to look forward too greatly, and it becomes ruined by the action of a single person.

Oh yes, I still get to do this thing, but will I enjoy it? Not half as much as I should.

Spoke to someone about my ‘dad’ situation. I still dunno what to do. I mean, i don’t want to do it alone.
but I have no one to come with me.
There is someone who lives near me who I could ask.. I might. I need to do this.

I won’t do it this week end, but next week end.

Sometimes I wonder should I meet my dad?
I mean, on one hand, I want to see him, I know exaxtly where to find him, we live in the same bloody village.

On the other hand, he knows exactly where I am, but he never expressed a wish to see me.

How fucking horrible though, that people who I see everyday know my father, my friends know him! when I have only seen him once. And that once, i didn’t know it was him and I didn’t even say anything to him.