we talked on the phone last night.

it was painful. we had nothing to say to each other. i couldn’t wait to get off the phone. i think he felt the same

that makes me sad. sad that i wasted two years on him. i keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. i had to spend those two years – no matter how wasteful i see them as – to learn and grow into the person i’m becoming.

i’m sad that for the state our relationship has reached. that painful silence on the phone where you’re not saying the things you actually want to say.

i wanted to scream at him about how much he hurt me. i don’t want to hurt him, but make him understand what he put me through. i want to tell him that nothing will happen when i come up there. i want to be strong enough to turn him down. i want to tell him what a selfish person he is and how eventhough i do know he’s better than that, i’m not wasting my time on someone who CHOOSES to be less of a man than he actually is….

and instead i said things like “yeah. my week’s good. BLAH BLAH BLAH”.

i’m sad. but i don’t want to be with him. i guess that’s better.

i have an email typed up in my drafts folder to him about how we shouldn’t talk anymore…. i’m not sure if i’m gonna send it.

less than 2 months til i’ll see him again. first time in almost 18 months.

FUNNY STORY:

ok. so. a while ago i mentioned this fabulous guy that i dated last year. he’s pretty much the only guy i’ve really dated/seen/been involved with while getting over the man i’ve been “trying to get over” for… well, forever.

mr. fabulous and i are extremely close friends and talk everyday.

we’ll call mr. fabulous bob and the guy i’ve been trying to get over jim. for the story.

anyway. while bob and i were seeing each other this girl we knew (we’ll call her sally) started talking extreme shit about me, to all of my friends. how i wasn’t pretty, there was no way he liked me because i wasn’t pretty, how much prettier she was than me. how he didn’t like me and just felt bad… and lots of other horrible things that i’ve tried to put out of my mind. all because she was crazy about him. now, i’ve never really liked this girl. she seems immature and her voice gets about 10x higher and louder than any human voice should when she’s excited… but i’ll be the first to admit that i don’t really know her. and i never confronted her but dealt with the shit and just let everything pass. let it be mentioned that her and bob are no longer really friends after this whole ordeal. mostly because the way to a guy’s heart is not by talking shit about the girl he’s seeing. however, he did get drunk and do… lord knows what with her while him and i were on the outs/over/just “friends”

now. please remember that bob and jim are the only two guys i’ve really been involved with emotionally in the last TWO YEARS.

well jim. the man (man? HA!) ... the boy i’ve spent all this time and effort trying to get over hangs out with sally because she goes to the city he lives in to see some friends. and in a usual daily email conversation during work he tells me all about how cool she is and how much fun he had with her and blah blah blah. i mention that i she doesn’t really like me. he asks why, i tell the whole story…. and he proceeds to tell me that he feels that he should tell me that they KINDA WENT ON A SEMI DATE.

ok. a semi date. i can handle that. she doesn’t live there. he notes the lack of possibility that ANYTHING will come of it. things continue on as usual.

he stops calling. i usually assume that this means he is busy or semi interested in a girl in his own city.

i did not imagine that he would email me and tell me he can’t talk to me anymore right now because things with her have progressed and they’ve been talking.

UM, EXCUSE ME?? you’re talking to her on the phone means that we can’t talk any more??

it really hurts my feelings that we can’t talk anymore because he is talking to sally on the phone. HE SAID nothing is going on but talking. HE SAID he’s not looking for a relationship. HE SAID that they don’t even live in the same city and there’s really no immediate future there. and yet things are SOMEHOW serious enough to warrant me being put on the back burner and i feel disposable.

not to mention that fact that now the only two guys i’ve even CARED about in the past two years she has somehow gotten in the middle of.

i feel like fate is making her an enemy.

uuuuuuugh. i hate feeling like #2.

my theory?? he has to establish another phone relationship where the girl is crazy about him but it can’t turn into anything…. because ours is about to end when i get up there…. and she’s still in college so in no way a threat to his fear of emotions and commitment in the near future.

i haven’t really spoken to him.

we’ve been talking a lot lately.

i’m going to see him in exactly 2 months.

maybe i shouldn’t see him? in all honesty… that’s kinda impossible. that means seeing no one else i know.

my friend made such a good observation – she said “you need to move forward. i feel like he is such a part of a past life for you. a time when he was more important everyday than you were to yourself. and i’ve seen you grow and find yourself and gain independence that you’ve never had before since then and i’m scared you’re going to lose all that”

that impacted me a lot. maybe i shouldn’t even acknowledge that i’m moving to the same city as him. i mean…. clearly i can’t ignore him. but i’m moving to one of the coolest cities in the country, with how many people? come on… who the f*^% is he?

and of course things have been so good lately. i just hate that i’m basically waiting to move there and have my heart broken again. i just want this all to be over.

what does that say about me?

i completely and 100% for real like someone else.

it’s the best feeling.

last entry i wrote… “the fact that he hasn’t called me doesn’t bother me. i know he will. eventually.”

he called me saturday night.
he called me sunday morning.

he knows i’m moving there soon.

i think i’m becoming real to him again.

luckily this is the least attached i’ve felt in YEARS.

in all honesty though, i think of it’s foolish of me to pretend like this’ll ever really be over before i get there. and we see each other, etc.

things are good. stable. that’s more than i could hope for.

i realize that i’ve marked this goal as completed. and yet continue to write.

1) i find a lot of inspiration here.

2) yes, i am over him. but that’s still a process. and like recovery from anything. there’s the possibility of a relapse. this is kinda like my AA.

about a week ago he was talking to me a lot again. we fought. went back and forth. i mostly didn’t care. kept asking him why we were still talking. made my case about his lack of and inability at having a friendship. he apologized. promised we’d be friends. whatever. i put no faith in him.

monday we talked all day. while both at work. emails. friendly. nice, i suppose. whenever we are just friends it feels like a joke. like something is missing. we’ve never been good at just being friends. but hey, we’re trying.

that was the last time i talked to him. i am putting little to no effort into our friendship. he always burns me and ends up making me feel small and pathetic. if he wants to talk to me, so be it. i’m happier when i don’t talk to him.

i feel less controlled by thoughts of him. less like a victim. more free.

besides. no matter how long we’ve gone without talking one of us caves. he always caves. the fact that he hasn’t called me doesn’t bother me. i know he will. eventually.

i’m stronger.

i’m better.

i still think of him often. but that’s just a part of this, right?

well. let’s see.

things – of course – still not over.

his level of effort has increased about 200%, of course… because he could feel that i didn’t care anymore.

and i still don’t. any contact in the last week has been initiated by him.

i’m not ignoring him. i’ll talk to him. but i don’t call. i don’t email. he’s into this whole friendship thing now. i’m not opposed, but i made it clear to him that if were friends then we are REALLY friends. like we used to be.

i’m going to see him in exactly 3 months. I AM TERRIFIED. but he doesn’t know that.

i’m convinced i’m going to cry as soon as i see him.

but all in all i’m doing really well and i feel less controlled by thoughts of him. which is really positive.

so, i’ve claimed to be “over him”... and how’s that going?

surprisingly well.

we’ve been in different cities for a really long time now. (only four more months, though!) and we both have office jobs and forever now we’ve just emailed back and forth most of our days at work. well, we did that when things were good.

not lately, because he’s always too busy for me. yesterday he emailed me while i was at working wanting to chat.

i told him that i think he’s a selfish asshole. that he uses me. that he doesn’t make me happy. he makes me feel worthless. that he doesn’t bring anything to my life. i told him i didn’t want to talk to him anymore.

he wrote me back, apologetic for making me feel that way. saying maybe we shouldn’t have stayed so close through the distance because it ruined our ideas of each other, what could have been, and basically just made us both unhappy. he said he can’t wait to see me when i move there so we can start fresh and new like when we first met and put this all behind us.

i don’t know how i feel about seeing him yet. i’m just trying not to think about it until it happens.

i feel good. i feel great. it’s soooo hard. it’s hard not to call him at night, after i go out, when i miss him. but i can do it.

all i keep reminding myself – if i want to call him – is that when i do break down and call him it DOESN’T make me happy. it ONLY makes me more upset. that really really really helps.

:) thanks for all your cheers!

i can’t remember the last time he/it made me cry.

i don’t stress when he doesn’t call me back. (example: on thursday i called him. he picked up laughing, “you ALWAYS call when i’m out at a party or with people! i may leave soon though, i’ll call you later.” he never did. i’m not even concerned)

i don’t stalk him on facebook or myspace.

new pictures of him on either of the aforementioned don’t upset me, making me realize i miss him.

i don’t even really miss him anymore.

the situation with us hasn’t upset me in a while, because i haven’t let it. i haven’t really talked to him. so there’s nothing to be upset about.

i’ve started looking at other guys. flirting.

i had a sex dream last night and guess what? ... he wasn’t in it!

i’m worried about moving in 4 months and seeing him frequently. i’ll cross that bridge when i get to it, though.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

well. i’m moving there in october.

i’ll probably see him in september when i go up for the pre-move visit.

he said i could stay with him…. right. right. how weird would that be?

in a way i’m excited because i’ve always felt that i wouldn’t REALLY get over him until we lived in the same town again so we could actually see if this is right or wrong. so if anything, i’ll know by the end of the year.

he calls when he wants to. doesn’t even return my texts, even though we are “good” right now.

what a jerk.